‘Twas the Night Before Half-Christmas

It’s time to dust off that ugly sweater that you’ve been hiding in your closet the past six months, bust out your secret stash of “Christmas in My Mouth” (Peppermint Schnapps & Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup), and fire up your BluRay version of Jingle All the Way, so you can see Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad duel it out like it was always intended, in 1080p. 
The only fitting way for me to get in the Half-Christmas spirit is for my own rendition of **‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.  So sit back with a glass of your favorite Keg-Nog and enjoy the remix.
**It is a poem wrapped in a mystery, if you can guess who Half-Santa is, please do it in the comments and you will win a prize!**

‘Twas the Night Before Half-Christmas
‘Twas the night before Half-Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, they were all passed out.
The stockings were hung by the chimney in the rear,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would bring more beer.

The alcoholics were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Mrs. Claus and friends danced in their heads.
And on the TV played Jingle All the Way,
The best Christmas movie they ever did play.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window we stumbled,
Tore open the shutters and wondered what Ross just mumbled.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
We knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

And then, in a twinkling, we heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As we questioned our sobriety in our heads, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed like a diva, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A keg of eggnog, he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a gardener, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was petite and round,
And the beard of his chin was nowhere to be found.

His tongue was sticking out of his tight little teeth,
And the scarf encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and lost his little round belly,
That no longer shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was annoying and lazy, the opposite of a jolly old elf,
And we dry heaved when we saw him, in spite of oneself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
We knew this was something that we all had to dread.

He spoke so much broken English, but went straight to his work like a good Mexican,
And filled all the stockings with copious amounts of alcohol, like he’s trying to be American.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He jaunted to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Happy Half-Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

-Lance Cartelli

Posted on June 25, 2012, in Arnold Schwarzenegger, Drinking, Half Christmas, Jingle all the way, Sinbad, ugly sweater. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Half Christmas Santa is obviously Maor Levi

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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