Monthly Archives: July 2012

NFL Preseason, After the Draft, Post OTAs, Training Camp Power Rankings

If you couldn’t tell by the ridiculous name of this blog article, this is the most trivial thing columnists, experts, random bloggers (hey, that’s me!) post, which meant I obvi (yeah, I said it) had to do it too.

A few disclaimers real quick, I am doing this totally unbiased except I put the teams I hate lower while I put the team that I love higher (just kidding, but seriously.).  Also, this will clearly be wrong once injuries start happening, like tomorrow, and there’s always those sleeper teams that come outta nowhere like an outbreak of herp…well, nevermind, let’s get to it!

32. Jacksonville Jaguars – New coach – check, star running back holding out – check, quarterback with beautiful goldielocks flowing down his back, but is afraid of getting hit once he says “hike” – check. They have the makings of the worst team in the NFL and could spell the end of the Blaine Gabbert area, oh we hardly knew ya.

31. Miami Dolphins – When Matt Moore and David Garrard are battling for the starting quarterback spot and your most prolific receiver is changing his name from what seemed to be his age back to an actual name you are not going to be good this year.

30. St. Louis Rams –  The Rams had a nice offseason this year, but baby steps, you still have to get shell-shocked Sam Bradford to not roll up into a little ball screaming “Mommy!” every time he takes a 3-step drop.  Personally, I would’ve taken RG3 and traded Bradford.

29. Indianapolis Colts – Congratulations Colts fans, you went from having Peyton Manning to having the next great thing potentially in Andrew Luck, too bad the rest of that team sucks.

28. Minnesota Vikings – The Vikes have their best player injured with Adrian Peterson, and their franchise left tackle who they just drafted, Matt Kalil, still unsigned, while trying to get Christian Ponder ready and they still don’t play Percy Harvin enough, if this was Madden I would give him the ball every game.

27. Cleveland Browns – Notorious noodle-arm Colt McCoy is being replaced by 29 year-old ROOKIE Brandon Weeden, who keeps quoting Aaliyah singing “Age ain’t nothing but a number”.  The Browns have some good players in place but it’ll take some time especially in that division.

26. Oakland Raiders – After the Raiders failed to draft any player that ran a sub-4.3 forty in the draft, Al Davis has decided to haunt his former team, as evidenced by his son’s haircut.

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs clearly quit on their coach last year and because of that I lost in “The League of Extraordinary Buttholes” Fantasy Football League and for that I hate you, Tampa.

24. New York Jets – I cannot wait for the “J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!” to be replaced by the “T-E-B-O-N-E-R BONER! BONER! BONER!” chants.  Admittedly, it doesn’t have the same ring to it.

23. Washington Redskins – The Redskins have a formidable D, they spent a buttload of money on players to surround RG3, who they gave up a plethora of picks for, but they are in the wrong division to be starting a rookie QB.

22. Arizona Cardinals – Once again, another great QB dilemma Kevin Kolb vs. John Skelton, I hope ESPN concentrates on this fierce QB battle all training camp long!  The Tension! The Excitement! (I hope this reads as sarcasm),

21. Seattle Seahawks – Seattle is the toughest place to play in the NFL and probably has a top 5-7 defense, but with Marshawn Lynch potentially being suspended it could hurt their chances in the NFC West.  Pete Carrol has made one mistake while coaching the Seahawks — Matt Flynn/Tavaris Jackson as his QB’s.

20. Tennessee Titans – The Titans have all the makings of an exciting offense — a 37 year-old quarterback who has no arm strength, an overpaid running back who gave up after getting paid, and a top receiver who has had three knee surgeries in the past year!  Watch out NFL!


19. Cincinnati Bengals – I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for the ginger starting quarterback for the Bengals, Andy Dalton, and by soft spot I mean I was born with a birth defect because I’m a Ginger, damn you genetics!

18. Buffalo Bills – My dad always told me BILLS stands for Because I Love Losing Superbowls, well they won’t have to worry about that this year, because they aren’t going.

17. San Diego Chargers – AJ Smith had a nice offseason, is it 2004 already?  But can this team overcome the Broncos signing of Peyton Manning, the Chiefs getting better, and the coaching of Norv Turner?  Don’t worry Charger fans after the team goes 8-8 they will resign Norv Turner to a 100-year 8 trillion dollar contract!

16. Carolina Panthers – This is my sleeper team, Cam Newton has potential to score 50 touchdowns (I hope no one from my fantasy league read that), but that defense still needs work.  Keep up the commercials Cam!

15. Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons should have a resurgent offense this year as long as they don’t decide to run with deteriorating running back Michael Turner, but they still have to play the Saints and Panthers twice.

14. Chicago Bears – Another team I wanted to put higher up in the rankings, but then I realized that Jay Cutler is good for 20 heartbreaking interceptions and the body language of a teenager going through puberty.  

13. Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens were a dropped pass away from the Superbowl and now come in as the #13 team in the NFLPADPOTASTC Power Rankings (same that one time fast).  With the loss of Terrell Suggs and that defense not getting any younger, I see a step back for them.

12. Kansas City Chiefs – The Kansas City Chiefs are solid at every position other than one, the quarterback position, and seeing as it’s not the 1950’s and the forward pass is legal, you kinda need a good quarterback in the NFL.

11. Detroit Lions – I can’t wait for week one when the Lions get presented their offseason award for Most Arrests Ever in an offseason, congrats Detroit!

10. Dallas Cowboys – The Dallas Cowboys are gonna be so good they’re going to make you wanna slap yo mamma!

9. Denver Broncos – This ranking could go from top 3 to lower teens based on one player…Eric Decker! Just kidding, it’s all about Peyton Manning and that damn neck of his.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers revamped their whole offensive line and have a chance to be a dynamic offense with Todd Haley taking over as Offensive Coordinator, but one piece of advice Todd, If Big Ben asks you to go to the bathroom with him, don’t do it! He’s not gonna go over the Flea Flicker.

7. Philadelphia Eagles – Nothing says Dynasty more than starting off 4-8 last season as the “Dream Team”.

6. New Orleans Saints – I hope they don’t put a bounty on my head because I have them outside of the Top 5.

5. Houston Texans – The Texans were my Superbowl pick last year before Matt Schaub hurt his foot, resigning Arian Foster helped a lot, but there is question marks on that defense after losing Mario Williams, I still think they take the AFC South easily.

4. San Francisco 49ers – Are you surprised I didn’t put them as the #1 team?  I am!  In some Vegas hotels, the 49ers are favored to win the Superbowl and were two terrible fumbles away from beating the Giants by double digits (I managed to type that without crying, who says I’m not strong?)  They have all 11 starters on defense back and improved their offense, if Alex Smith can convert on third downs and in the redzone this team will be scary.

3. New York Giants –  The defending Superbowl champions needed to win the last regular season game of the year just to get to the playoffs, but Eli Manning became ELIte Manning and they have the best defensive player in the league, with JPP.

2. New England Patriots – Notorious regular season champions, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots will probably go 16-0 again in the regular season just to prove that they can’t do it in the playoffs…again.

1. Green Bay Packers – One of the most, if not the most, talented teams in the NFL that had a terrible loss at home verse the Giants last year, they will come out hungry trying to avenge what they think should’ve been a repeat Superbowl season.  Remember, Week 1 GB vs. SF!

-Lance Cartelli

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What the Fuck is Wrong with People?

I woke up this morning like I do every morning — in a pretty good mood, other than the annoying alarm clock beeping at me way too early and my iPhone group chat going off every other second — I was thankful that it was Friday and that I have another day on this Earth.  I cannot say the same for the tragedy that occurred in Colorado which is being dubbed the “Batman Massacre”.   In all, 71 people were either hurt or killed including an infant (!), which makes me ask the question: ‘What the Fuck is Wrong with People?’

What the fuck was going on in the head of James Holmes, 24, to make him hurt or kill 71 people that just wanted to see The Dark Knight Rises?  He’s 24 years old, he was a PhD student studying neuroscience at University of Colorado before he dropped out in June.  Let me get this straight, a guy that pretty much studies the brain was actually crazy?  He had no criminal history other than a few parking tickets, what makes him snap and want to hurt these innocent people (including an infant)?  People are just absolutely psycho.

For the past four years, I’ve been looking forward to seeing The Dark Knight Rises as I’m sure any of the people seeing it at midnight were.  In no way can I imagine how these innocent people have had their lives altered, how can they step foot in a movie theatre again?  How can they feel safe outside their homes?  How can anyone feel safe when these things keep happening?  It really dumbfounds me how anyone can ruin so many lives and do that to anyone, not to your worst enemy or a complete stranger.  How fucking cruel and psychotic can you be?

I really just wish that Batman and Bane could’ve teamed up and came out of the screen to brutally destroy this psycho that would do that to these innocent people.

I’m not very good at this, I like writing about sports and attempting to be witty and funny but this really just bugs me and makes me hate things.  I have family that work in Aurora, CO, and it’s only 20 miles away from Columbine, how does this keep happening to Colorado?

I had a conversation with my Dad today and this is pretty much how it went:

Dad:  No matter what, if you’re looking for a job or going on a vacation stay the fuck outta Colorado.
Me:  I don’t care if it’s a dream job I’m staying away from that hell hole.
Dad: If you thought Arizona was messed up, take a look at Colorado*

[After a lengthy talk about random shit]

Dad: Well I’ll see you Sunday for The Dark Knight.

*I thought Arizona was bad, but congrats AZ you are no longer the worst state in America, Colorado takes the cake — I don’t count the South.

This guy clearly has a screw loose and he will assuredly burn in hell whenever he gets there, I’m sure sooner rather than later, but if you take anything away from this enjoy your time on this Earth and enjoy waking up everyday (even if it’s so damn early you’re cursing at your alarm clock and wondering why the snooze button is 9 minutes, honestly who came up with that?).

Everyones thoughts and prayers at Casually Ginger are with the family and friends of the victims of this terrible tragedy.

The Perfect Chai

A Beginners Guide Into the World of Hipsters!

Have you ever found yourself staring blankly at a Starbucks menu not knowing what to order? Fearing that moment when the cute hipster barista approaches you for your drink order and you can do is mumble a few words you picked up from some scarf wearing weirdo; then have no fear this blog is for you. Now, after reading this blog don’t think for a second you’ll become a Starbucks snob like the many, who similar to In-N-Out fanatics, know the secret menu to ordering the perfect chai. However before we barge into the world of vanilla bean powders, double pump, soy milk, hold the whipped cream talk we should set some ground rules.

Rule Number 1:
When in doubt go “skinny”

Skinny is the new hipster! Whether you’re ordering a skinny bitch (vodka, soda water, double lime) or trying to switch it up to sugar free, it’s never too late to jump on this bandwagon. Gone are the days when you worried about having that abdominal bulge while wearing your favorite v-neck. With this new low-cal styled drink you’ll have all the confidence in the world.

Rule Number 2:
Espresso because Coffee is so 2008

Let’s get this straight, office/home brewed coffee sucks! It’s true, so why waste your time trying to recreate that delectable drink that had your taste buds exploding in orgasmic proportions.  Don’t be that guy who’s still holding onto his Ray Allen Celtics Jersey, nobody likes that guy…move on. Save your time and write this down!
Espresso cheat sheet:
1 shot- dirty (single)
2 shots- filthy (double)
3 shots- raunchy (triple)
4 shots- Paris Hilton (J/K! since I’m not a crazed person we’ll keep this one with its original name “Quad”)

Rule Number 3:
Iced vs Hot

While many credit the Big Bang theory as the great debate, we cafe connoisseurs rather argue iced vs hot. Now each one offers its distinct twist on the infamous chai (a true staple of any cafe or espresso shop), however, given the fact that it’s summer (as confirmed by the water weight shed at the Hand Wedding) Iced takes it by a slight edge. Check back in a few months for my winter edition.

So there you have it, some of the most basic rules that should get you by most awkward cafe encounters. Now back to the “mother of god“, the “creme de la creme” drink order, yes this coveted chai that will have barista’s asking if you are a partner or some crazed cafe junkie.

Either way, this stare are you a wizard is sure to come. To start the order repeat after me “I’ll have a filthy (two add shot) Venti Iced Non Fat Chai w/ 3 pumps of sugar free vanilla.” This drink is like sipping on a nice bottle of 08′ Cab Suav by Nickle and Nickle Winery, it will leave you feeling like your taste buds and brain just got mind-raped by the team from Inception. Not only does the sugar free vanilla complement the black pepper, cinnamon and black tea with non-fat milk, but the espresso gives you that kick in the rear to get your day started off right. So go on my children, download your Starbucks app and begin enjoying chai’s the way they were meant to be.

– Levi Martinez

How to Fix the MLB All-Star Week

If you’re like me and you sat through the dreadful Home Run Derby last night, then I’m sure the only pleasure you got was Robinson Cano getting booed throughout the Derby, it was entertaining and depressing at the same time, it was like watching an episode of Jersey Shore, where you despise yourself so much for watching these talent-less orange, juiced out freaks but damn you if you aren’t entertained.  In between my yawns and consistent complaining of “why the f*** am I watching this?!”, I decided to come up with some ways to spruce up the terrible MLB All-Star Week.

Skills Competition:
The NBA All-Star weekend is the only really watchable all-star game of all the sports and one of the main reasons is their Skills Competition.  So, of course, the MLB should jack this idea and add onto their HR Derby with other skill competitions, Like…:

  • A Charging the Mound Contest:  Have the biggest rivals of teams & players that hate each other and put the most loathed pitcher versus the most despised hitter and let them go at it.  How great would it be to see Cole Hamels take on Bryce Harper after their spat earlier in the year?  Or even better pretty much any Boston Red Sox player go at one the New York Yankees?  
  • Stolen Base Contest:  Have the fastest players in the majors try to steal bases off the lefty that is clearly balking while he’s pitching to the best defensive catcher in the league trying to gun him down at 2nd.  
  • One-on-One Gauntlet:  Everyone seems to agree that Mike Trout and Bryce Harper are the future of the majors, but they are in different leagues and you rarely will see them go head-to-head, but if you put them in events like a HR Derby, fielding and stolen base contest, etc., we would get to see what everyone wants to, the future (and present) of the majors head-to-head, it’d be like seeing Kevin Durant go one-on-one against LeBron James (that would be awesome).
  • Fixing the HR Derby:  Now this is a tough one because it’s pretty much a boring slam dunk contest (which is boring too).  Here are a few things I would do:
    • Bring back all the washed up players from the Steroid Era like white Sammy Sosa*,  old yet still ripped Mark McGwire, and his Bash-Brother turned enemy Jose “Steroids Effects Your Brain” Canseco.
    • Add a Shot Clock so players can’t take pitch after pitch.
    • For money balls (balls for the last out), have actual money on them and the person that catches it gets that amount.
    • Allow major league outfielders to rob home run’s.

*Seriously people, don’t do steroids.

Common Sense Fixes:
This is too easy…

  • How about making an exhibition game where no names come in at the end not decide home-field advantage for the World Series?
  • Have Chris Berman go back, back, back, back…HOME!  If he isn’t going ridiculously crazy on someone, then he’s making annoying calls.  How could someone get so bad at sportscasting so fast?
Fixing the All-Star Game:
  • You can’t. It sucks.
With that being said, have fun watching a meaningless exhibition game where your favorite player is done after an inning!
– Lance Cartelli

This Week in Sports

In case you were out enjoying your life instead of counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until NFL Training Camps start, here’s what happened this past week in sports:

  • The Los Angeles Lakers traded for Steve Nash in exchange for four draft picks.  When asked about having a future hall-of-famer join the Lakers, Kobe Bryant said, “Wait…I have teammates? When did this happen? I can still shoot 35 times a game right? This Steve Nash better not ruin the Los Angeles Kobes”.
  • Tiger Woods won the AT&T National with a score of -8 for his 74th win of his career putting him second place all time in total PGA Tour victories.  After surpassing Jack Nicklaus, Tiger triumphantly said, “I defeated the evil reign of the Jack Nicklaus empire, I’m coming for you next Sam Snead, your records will burn you communist!”  [maniacal laugh]
  • Former New York Giants wide receiver, Armani Toomer, said in an interview that Tony Romo is a better quarterback than Eli Manning.  Sources close to Toomer said that after multiple concussions Toomer was confused and he actually thought he was a cowboy in Dallas and that Tony Romo was the name of his horse. 
  • The New York Knicks and Jason Kidd agreed to a three year deal that will keep Kidd a Knick until he is 42 years old.  In related news, the Knicks are signing Betty White for the mid-level exception and are moving all their games to 4:30 pm so they can be in bed by 8:00 pm.  
  • Roger Federer defeated Novak Djokovic in four sets to advance to the Wimbledon final in England.  Asked about the win after the match, Roger Federer said, “I’m 30 years old they said I was too old for this sport–“, Federer’s phone then started to ring, on the line was New York Knicks General Manager, who after hearing he was old offered Federer a 100 million dollar max contract. 
– Lance Cartelli

Slow Your Roll Laker Fans

Champions of the Off-season, it’s a nice title and gives fans a sense of hope for the upcoming season, but ask the Philadelphia Eagles (recent Champions of the Off-season) what kind of trophy they got for winning the off-season.

That’s why Los Angeles Lakers fans need to take a deep breath and stop trying to figure out what ring size Steve Nash wears.  

I’m not saying that this isn’t a great trade, it is for the Lakers.  Steve Nash is a future hall-of-famer and the greatest point guard that has ever suited up with Kobe Bryant.

(Hold on…a huge BUT is coming…)

BUT (ah, there it is), he is 38(!) years old, has a history of back issues, and contemplated retirement as of a couple weeks ago.  After signing a three year, 27 million dollar deal he’ll be playing with the Lakers until he is  41(!!) years old, joining the AARP and wondering what time The Price is Right is on every day**.

**BTW, I absolutely love TPIR and if I didn’t have a stupid thing they call a job I would DVR the crap outta that show, I miss you Bob Barker, we’ll always have Happy Gilmore.


This trade also makes the Lakers even older, while giving up four picks that very well could’ve helped the Lakeshow get younger and more athletic.  As I wrote earlier in the week, the NBA is now all about athleticism and, I’m sorry, but 38 year old point guards lack that essential quality.

But enough of being a huge Debbie Downer, I believe this firmly puts the Lakers as the second best team in the West behind the Oklahoma City Thunder and the third best team in the league behind OKC and the Miami Heat.  It also takes a huge amount of pressure off of Kobe Bryant, no longer does he have to run the whole offense while bringing the ball up court and getting double and triple teamed, now Nash can run the offense and use his superior passing skills to get the ball inside to Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol (if either of them are on the team in October) and Nash and Gasol running pick-and-roll is absolutely deadly especially when you have to worry about Bynum and Kobe.

There’s also the possibility of trading for Dwight Howard. The likely trade would have the parameters of Andrew Bynum and Metta World Peace for Dwight Howard and Quentin Richardson, Richardson would provide outside shooting but little else and the Lakers get rid of two crazies in exchange for one crazy.  Only one little problem, Howard is coming off back surgery and they do not know when he’ll be back or how healthy that back is, kind of a big deal when you pretty much propped your championship window open three more years.

All-in-all it’s a trade that the Lakers had to make and gives them a shot for the next three years, and never  underestimate super competitive guys like Kobe and Nash.  Just beware before you buy your Laker championship gear for 2013 and let the season at least start people.

Top Reasons to Watch the MLB All Star Game/Week

Ah yes, the crack of the bat, hot dog smell in the air and the beer is following as Kansas City, Mo at Kauffman Stadium (sure, let’s put the ASG in the most humid city right now) is set to welcome the games future and present all stars this week. You may be thinking “Hey, why am I reading this?” or “It’s baseball, who cares”, “Man, I’m hungry” well you’re right you are hungry and yes it is baseball and it’s not all that exciting to everyone but I want to give you reasons and other alternatives for entertainment so let’s not totally turn off quite yet people.

1. All Star Celebrity Softball Game:

Everyone enjoys some follies or bloopers from time to time, right? Well think of the celebrity softball game as the TMZ of baseball, plenty of stars from baseballs past and current celebrities living their dreams of being on a professional diamond (train wreck waiting to happen right?). Oh and did I mention seeing Kate Upton play as well.

2. “This time, it counts”

This has been the slogan for years and it gives incentive to fans who’s teams are still it in by this time (if your team is out of it just like mine then it’s skip or DVR to your lone all star representative) but if you’re a baseball connoisseur like myself you’ll watch anyway for the National or American league to win. The winner gets home field advantage in this year’s World Series. Besides, it beats the hell out of watching the NFL Pro Bowl.

3. “Back, back, back, back it’s gone!”

Chicks dig the long ball.. with corked bats and stimulated baseballs (real mature). What makes baseball so tolerable for fans is seeing someone hit a ball almost 500 feet regardless if they’re on roids or if the bats are corked. Plus I enjoy how funny Chris Berman’s voice can modulate with his breathing along with when he throws back some “Deux Deux Deux’s” during a break. (Thanks to PFT for always mentioning this)

Well let’s make the best out of this year’s mid-summer classic. Unless you’re working like me (luckily at a TV News station) these nights of the all-star festivities, why not throw a BBQ or go to a sports bar, after all it is summer and why not enjoy summer with some company. This can give you a reason to watch and not feel like such a baseball nerd like myself, maybe even talk to females finally after reading Kelsey Cross’s advice posts. (It’s not you Cross, it’s me)

– Ryan Pedersen

The Future is Now in the NBA

Are you a person that loves sequels?  Do you enjoy every summer movie season with sequels on top of sequels? Are you patiently waiting for Saw VIII where people get brutally dismembered and inevitably killed while waiting on the edge of your seat for the plot twist? Do you like answering rhetorical questions? Am I asking too many questions? (Yes)

If so, you are going to love the NBA for the next five to ten years.  If not, from October until June you might want to start a dynasty on NBA 2K13-23 and trade all your shitty players for your favorite players (don’t act like you never did this).

The Miami Heat and Oklahoma City Thunder are the present and future of the NBA.  After the Miami Heat won the title a couple weeks ago, there was a monumental shift in the basketball world.  No longer is height the end-all-be-all of basketball, having two 7-footers Ala ‘The Twin Towers’ of the San Antonio Spurs dynasty, Tim Duncan and David Robinson, or ‘The Ostrich The Lazy Ass‘ of the dominant Los Angeles Lakers.  Now it’s athleticism.  Who runs the fastest, who jumps the highest, who has LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Kevin Durant, and Russell Westbrook.

The scariest part for why these two teams can and probably will be next two rival dynasties to go head-to-head for the next decade in basketball is the youth, athleticism, and will for the Thunder. For the Heat, it’s simple LeBron actually figured out how to use his unparalleled athleticism, NFL tight end body, and God-given talent.  The only aspect missing from LeBron’s game was learning how to put it all together, and he did.

Let’s start with the Heat and why they can be the next dynasty in a sport filled with dynasties and three-peats:

They figured it out and the best part is it was involuntary.  When the Heat were struggling it was due to the fact that LeBron and DWade couldn’t play together, they are similar players and somehow could not put the puzzle pieces together, but then Wade’s bum knee slowed him down and LeBron had to take over. Wade had to take a step back and be Pippen to LeBron’s Michael Jordan (still not comparing them).  When it clicked was LeBron’s Game 6 vs the Boston Celtics, his Man’s Game, his game where everything clicked, his game where he flipped the proverbial switch. He dropped 45, 15, and 5 (!) against his biggest rival.  Watching  it was like when Neo from The Matrix got up after being shot a ridiculous number of times by Mr. Smith and he started seeing The Matrix and then stopped bullets, jumped through Mr. Smith and made the agents run away like little girls*.  LeBron now sees in the Matrix and that is terrifying if you aren’t on the LeBron Express Bandwagon**.   Miami knows exactly who they are now, LeBron is their new ‘point-forward’, Chris Bosh is the starting center, DWade is Pippen, and the rest of guys have to make 3’s, simple as that.

*Spoiler Alert, but if you haven’t seen The Matrix then shame on you, you deserve the ending to be ruined. BTW, that is one of the coolest scenes ever.

**The conductor of the LeBron Express Bandwagon is none other than Morgan Eugene Lawler.  The caboose you ask?  Levi Martinez, of course.

The one team that has the ability to stop the Heat from getting not one, not two, not three…(you get the point) is the Oklahoma City Thunder.  OKC has the speed, athleticism and talent to dwarf the Miami Heat, the only problem is they didn’t have the experience, and after losing in 5 to Miami they are a little more seasoned.  The Thunder are the 2011 equivalent of the Miami Heat — the inexperienced team getting beat-down by the vets who have been there before.  The only difference, the Thunder have a core of Kevin Durant (23), Russell Westbrook (23), Serge Ibaka (22), James Harden (22) — all of which are younger than me (it pains me to write that sentence).

In no way am I saying I can tell the future or that I’m Miss Cloe, but this is how the NBA operates, in dynasties.  The NBA is synonymous with the Boston Celtics, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Chicago Bulls and both these teams have the ability and potential to be in the same sentence (I just did it) when it’s all said and done.

– Lance Cartelli

Cross’s Corner: What Chicks Are Really Saying: A Woman-to-English Translation

Women do a whole hell of a lot of communicating, I read somewhere that on average a man says about 1,000 words a day, while a women says on average 7,000. Holy tits. Given the length of my blog entries…. I don’t need to see the studies, I believe it.
With all this word slinging that we do, you would think that the understanding gap between men and women wouldn’t be as wide as it is. So I thought about it because I have nothing better to do with my time.
After a great deal of time spent pondering I have come to a few conclusions. These conclusions gentleman make me feel the need to issue an apology of sorts on behalf of all women. The problem is not that we don’t communicate….we do….we communicate until we are blue in the face, but the essential things that you would love us to just flat out say…..we have to wrap in layers of hints, mystery, enigma, contradictions and hormones, bombs, grenades, active landmines and heat-seeking missiles. So for that I apologize.
That said, I would like to present you with a survival guide of some of the most common things that us Befuddling Bitches say and what we actually mean. Because flat out saying it would be just too easy. You’re welcome.

1. “I’m fine”
This seemingly innocent and straightforward statement is anything but, it is a loaded gun. When a ladyfriend says this she might as well have just written you and essay about how not fine she is. For one reason or another, she is just NOT FINE. I repeat, NOT FINE. Do whatever you can in your power to make it better, but don’t I beg of you respond with “Okay!”
Exceptions and Warning Signals. (These apply to all mentioned translations)
A. If this is said over text message, treat it with as much care as you can possibly muster, everything you do from that message on out can tip the scales either in your favor or send you straight into fuckville, where she is the mayor.
B. If this is said by said ladyfriend in person and she’s making direct eye-contact with you… like unnerving stare-into-your-soul overly attached girlfriend eye contact, then again…she is definitely not fine and she is hoping that eye contact will communicate that well enough. In this case, treat her and the situation as you would a frightened or wounded animal: Proceed with caution, speak softly, move slowly towards her and don’t make any sudden movements.
C. If this phrase is said in passing, in a casual manner, if you will, with a brief shrug and normal amount of eye-contact chances are this is the one scenario where a girl says she’s fine and she actually is, in fact, fine. But it’s better to tread carefully just in case, you can never be too cautious.

2. “Okay.”
(said via text message, usually after some form of disagreement or mildly distressing situation)
You know how I said “I’m fine” is a phrase (in women speak) akin to a loaded gun? This phrase is a torpedo in the water and you better believe it is locked on target and a whole world full of shit and chaos is about to rain down on you. There is no getting out of it now, I don’t care what you did or if it’s even your fault if you want to steer clear of her wrath you start apologizing and make it better in any way you can. Trust me, it will save a lot of lives and shorten this battle by at least 3 months.

3. “Will you rub my shoulders?”
Unless I ask you to rub my shoulders with your dick, THE ONLY THING I want is a goddamn back rub. They feel nice, so keep your pants on.

4. “Of course I don’t mind if you go out with your friends tonight, have fun”
For the rational and logical females out there (yes, we do exist) this phrase means almost exactly the same in our language as it does in yours. But what we don’t say at the end is, “have fun, but not too much. Don’t do dumb shit, text me a couple times and I’ll see you when you get home”. If you’re lucky enough to have one of these in your life, reward the logical and rational behavior and you’re sure to get more of it. Now, if you have a crazy — That sentence translates to: “Yes, I do mind if you go out with your friends, so I hope you have a terrible fucking time and therefore want to spend more time with me”. Proceed with an air of caution with that one gentleman.

5. “How do I look?”
Translation: “Tell me how pretty you think I am and you will get sex tonight, tell me I look fine and I will end you.”
I don’t really think I need to explain that one. There you have it folks, these are the only ones I could think of off the fly, but if you have any other landmine riddled phrases you would like me to translate I would be more than happy to. Most of you know where to find me.
Take it Sleazy,
Cross

This Week in San Diego Sports

Did you hear it? Did you feel it? Did your windows shake a little?  I don’t think that was just a sonic boom the other day from a Navy F-18, it was a lot of San Diegans (San Diegites, San Diegans?) worlds’ getting rocked again by rumors of their beloved Chargers moving to Los Angeles which was their original home for a year in 1960 before moving to San Diego in 1961. Recently NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell sent a memo to teams about how they could apply for a transfer to move franchises to Los Angeles in 2013. L.A. has been team-less since 1995 after losing two teams and has been starving for the NFL after years of snubs other cities receiving teams (like Jacksonville, seriously?) So yes, that was not a sonic boom; it was fans in San Diego booing Roger Goddell (If you didn’t feel it, it was most likely blacked out in your area).

As we hit the all-star break coming up, the Padres (surprise, surprise) are dead last in a cellar battle with the Colorado Rockies in the NL West. Recently there have been break out players like Alexi Amarista (traded from the Angels for eventual AL All-Star Ballot candidate Ernesto Frieri).  Amarista has been providing some surprising pop and speed the Padres needed after Orlando Hudson’s release.  As expected OF Carlos Quentin has been hitting the ball well for the only power hitter on the team and catcher Yasmani Grandal (one player involved in the Mat Latos to Cincinnati deal) hit 2 HR’s in his debut a day after the club sent down slumping starting catcher Nick Hundley. On the bump Andrew Cashner and Huston Street have been bright spots with Cashner tossing a potential no-no against the Astros before running out of gas. So far it has been yet another disappointing season heading into the mid-summer classic and the only Padre that can help an eventual NL champion is Street making his first NL All-Star roster spot (hey, they had to send someone).
Look for the Friars after the all-star break to get into trade talks since it would take an absolute let down by the entire NL West for something to happen. The Pads as predicted to play spoilers again down the stretch as young players continue to develop and adapt to Petco Park. In other words all you Time Warner cable subscribers without FSN San Diego, you haven’t missed much.
Keep on truckin’
Pedey
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