Cross’s Corner: What Chicks Are Really Saying: A Woman-to-English Translation

Women do a whole hell of a lot of communicating, I read somewhere that on average a man says about 1,000 words a day, while a women says on average 7,000. Holy tits. Given the length of my blog entries…. I don’t need to see the studies, I believe it.
With all this word slinging that we do, you would think that the understanding gap between men and women wouldn’t be as wide as it is. So I thought about it because I have nothing better to do with my time.
After a great deal of time spent pondering I have come to a few conclusions. These conclusions gentleman make me feel the need to issue an apology of sorts on behalf of all women. The problem is not that we don’t communicate….we do….we communicate until we are blue in the face, but the essential things that you would love us to just flat out say…..we have to wrap in layers of hints, mystery, enigma, contradictions and hormones, bombs, grenades, active landmines and heat-seeking missiles. So for that I apologize.
That said, I would like to present you with a survival guide of some of the most common things that us Befuddling Bitches say and what we actually mean. Because flat out saying it would be just too easy. You’re welcome.

1. “I’m fine”
This seemingly innocent and straightforward statement is anything but, it is a loaded gun. When a ladyfriend says this she might as well have just written you and essay about how not fine she is. For one reason or another, she is just NOT FINE. I repeat, NOT FINE. Do whatever you can in your power to make it better, but don’t I beg of you respond with “Okay!”
Exceptions and Warning Signals. (These apply to all mentioned translations)
A. If this is said over text message, treat it with as much care as you can possibly muster, everything you do from that message on out can tip the scales either in your favor or send you straight into fuckville, where she is the mayor.
B. If this is said by said ladyfriend in person and she’s making direct eye-contact with you… like unnerving stare-into-your-soul overly attached girlfriend eye contact, then again…she is definitely not fine and she is hoping that eye contact will communicate that well enough. In this case, treat her and the situation as you would a frightened or wounded animal: Proceed with caution, speak softly, move slowly towards her and don’t make any sudden movements.
C. If this phrase is said in passing, in a casual manner, if you will, with a brief shrug and normal amount of eye-contact chances are this is the one scenario where a girl says she’s fine and she actually is, in fact, fine. But it’s better to tread carefully just in case, you can never be too cautious.

2. “Okay.”
(said via text message, usually after some form of disagreement or mildly distressing situation)
You know how I said “I’m fine” is a phrase (in women speak) akin to a loaded gun? This phrase is a torpedo in the water and you better believe it is locked on target and a whole world full of shit and chaos is about to rain down on you. There is no getting out of it now, I don’t care what you did or if it’s even your fault if you want to steer clear of her wrath you start apologizing and make it better in any way you can. Trust me, it will save a lot of lives and shorten this battle by at least 3 months.

3. “Will you rub my shoulders?”
Unless I ask you to rub my shoulders with your dick, THE ONLY THING I want is a goddamn back rub. They feel nice, so keep your pants on.

4. “Of course I don’t mind if you go out with your friends tonight, have fun”
For the rational and logical females out there (yes, we do exist) this phrase means almost exactly the same in our language as it does in yours. But what we don’t say at the end is, “have fun, but not too much. Don’t do dumb shit, text me a couple times and I’ll see you when you get home”. If you’re lucky enough to have one of these in your life, reward the logical and rational behavior and you’re sure to get more of it. Now, if you have a crazy — That sentence translates to: “Yes, I do mind if you go out with your friends, so I hope you have a terrible fucking time and therefore want to spend more time with me”. Proceed with an air of caution with that one gentleman.

5. “How do I look?”
Translation: “Tell me how pretty you think I am and you will get sex tonight, tell me I look fine and I will end you.”
I don’t really think I need to explain that one. There you have it folks, these are the only ones I could think of off the fly, but if you have any other landmine riddled phrases you would like me to translate I would be more than happy to. Most of you know where to find me.
Take it Sleazy,
Cross
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Posted on July 2, 2012, in Love, Relationships, Women. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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