The Perfect Chai
A Beginners Guide Into the World of Hipsters!
Have you ever found yourself staring blankly at a Starbucks menu not knowing what to order? Fearing that moment when the cute hipster barista approaches you for your drink order and you can do is mumble a few words you picked up from some scarf wearing weirdo; then have no fear this blog is for you. Now, after reading this blog don’t think for a second you’ll become a Starbucks snob like the many, who similar to In-N-Out fanatics, know the secret menu to ordering the perfect chai. However before we barge into the world of vanilla bean powders, double pump, soy milk, hold the whipped cream talk we should set some ground rules.
Rule Number 1:
When in doubt go “skinny”
Skinny is the new hipster! Whether you’re ordering a skinny bitch (vodka, soda water, double lime) or trying to switch it up to sugar free, it’s never too late to jump on this bandwagon. Gone are the days when you worried about having that abdominal bulge while wearing your favorite v-neck. With this new low-cal styled drink you’ll have all the confidence in the world.
Rule Number 2:
Espresso because Coffee is so 2008
Let’s get this straight, office/home brewed coffee sucks! It’s true, so why waste your time trying to recreate that delectable drink that had your taste buds exploding in orgasmic proportions. Don’t be that guy who’s still holding onto his Ray Allen Celtics Jersey, nobody likes that guy…move on. Save your time and write this down!
Espresso cheat sheet:
1 shot- dirty (single)
2 shots- filthy (double)
3 shots- raunchy (triple)
4 shots- Paris Hilton (J/K! since I’m not a crazed person we’ll keep this one with its original name “Quad”)
Rule Number 3:
Iced vs Hot
While many credit the Big Bang theory as the great debate, we cafe connoisseurs rather argue iced vs hot. Now each one offers its distinct twist on the infamous chai (a true staple of any cafe or espresso shop), however, given the fact that it’s summer (as confirmed by the water weight shed at the Hand Wedding) Iced takes it by a slight edge. Check back in a few months for my winter edition.
So there you have it, some of the most basic rules that should get you by most awkward cafe encounters. Now back to the “mother of god“, the “creme de la creme” drink order, yes this coveted chai that will have barista’s asking if you are a partner or some crazed cafe junkie.
Either way, this stare are you a wizard is sure to come. To start the order repeat after me “I’ll have a filthy (two add shot) Venti Iced Non Fat Chai w/ 3 pumps of sugar free vanilla.” This drink is like sipping on a nice bottle of 08′ Cab Suav by Nickle and Nickle Winery, it will leave you feeling like your taste buds and brain just got mind-raped by the team from Inception. Not only does the sugar free vanilla complement the black pepper, cinnamon and black tea with non-fat milk, but the espresso gives you that kick in the rear to get your day started off right. So go on my children, download your Starbucks app and begin enjoying chai’s the way they were meant to be.
– Levi Martinez