NFL Preseason, After the Draft, Post OTAs, Training Camp Power Rankings
If you couldn’t tell by the ridiculous name of this blog article, this is the most trivial thing columnists, experts, random bloggers (hey, that’s me!) post, which meant I obvi (yeah, I said it) had to do it too.
A few disclaimers real quick, I am doing this totally unbiased except I put the teams I hate lower while I put the team that I love higher (just kidding, but seriously.). Also, this will clearly be wrong once injuries start happening, like tomorrow, and there’s always those sleeper teams that come outta nowhere like an outbreak of herp…well, nevermind, let’s get to it!
32. Jacksonville Jaguars – New coach – check, star running back holding out – check, quarterback with beautiful goldielocks flowing down his back, but is afraid of getting hit once he says “hike” – check. They have the makings of the worst team in the NFL and could spell the end of the Blaine Gabbert area, oh we hardly knew ya.
31. Miami Dolphins – When Matt Moore and David Garrard are battling for the starting quarterback spot and your most prolific receiver is changing his name from what seemed to be his age back to an actual name you are not going to be good this year.
30. St. Louis Rams – The Rams had a nice offseason this year, but baby steps, you still have to get shell-shocked Sam Bradford to not roll up into a little ball screaming “Mommy!” every time he takes a 3-step drop. Personally, I would’ve taken RG3 and traded Bradford.
29. Indianapolis Colts – Congratulations Colts fans, you went from having Peyton Manning to having the next great thing potentially in Andrew Luck, too bad the rest of that team sucks.
28. Minnesota Vikings – The Vikes have their best player injured with Adrian Peterson, and their franchise left tackle who they just drafted, Matt Kalil, still unsigned, while trying to get Christian Ponder ready and they still don’t play Percy Harvin enough, if this was Madden I would give him the ball every game.
27. Cleveland Browns – Notorious noodle-arm Colt McCoy is being replaced by 29 year-old ROOKIE Brandon Weeden, who keeps quoting Aaliyah singing “Age ain’t nothing but a number”. The Browns have some good players in place but it’ll take some time especially in that division.
26. Oakland Raiders – After the Raiders failed to draft any player that ran a sub-4.3 forty in the draft, Al Davis has decided to haunt his former team, as evidenced by his son’s haircut.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs clearly quit on their coach last year and because of that I lost in “The League of Extraordinary Buttholes” Fantasy Football League and for that I hate you, Tampa.
24. New York Jets – I cannot wait for the “J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!” to be replaced by the “T-E-B-O-N-E-R BONER! BONER! BONER!” chants. Admittedly, it doesn’t have the same ring to it.
23. Washington Redskins – The Redskins have a formidable D, they spent a buttload of money on players to surround RG3, who they gave up a plethora of picks for, but they are in the wrong division to be starting a rookie QB.
22. Arizona Cardinals – Once again, another great QB dilemma Kevin Kolb vs. John Skelton, I hope ESPN concentrates on this fierce QB battle all training camp long! The Tension! The Excitement! (I hope this reads as sarcasm),
21. Seattle Seahawks – Seattle is the toughest place to play in the NFL and probably has a top 5-7 defense, but with Marshawn Lynch potentially being suspended it could hurt their chances in the NFC West. Pete Carrol has made one mistake while coaching the Seahawks — Matt Flynn/Tavaris Jackson as his QB’s.
20. Tennessee Titans – The Titans have all the makings of an exciting offense — a 37 year-old quarterback who has no arm strength, an overpaid running back who gave up after getting paid, and a top receiver who has had three knee surgeries in the past year! Watch out NFL!
19. Cincinnati Bengals – I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for the ginger starting quarterback for the Bengals, Andy Dalton, and by soft spot I mean I was born with a birth defect because I’m a Ginger, damn you genetics!
18. Buffalo Bills – My dad always told me BILLS stands for Because I Love Losing Superbowls, well they won’t have to worry about that this year, because they aren’t going.
17. San Diego Chargers – AJ Smith had a nice offseason, is it 2004 already? But can this team overcome the Broncos signing of Peyton Manning, the Chiefs getting better, and the coaching of Norv Turner? Don’t worry Charger fans after the team goes 8-8 they will resign Norv Turner to a 100-year 8 trillion dollar contract!
16. Carolina Panthers – This is my sleeper team, Cam Newton has potential to score 50 touchdowns (I hope no one from my fantasy league read that), but that defense still needs work. Keep up the commercials Cam!
15. Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons should have a resurgent offense this year as long as they don’t decide to run with deteriorating running back Michael Turner, but they still have to play the Saints and Panthers twice.
14. Chicago Bears – Another team I wanted to put higher up in the rankings, but then I realized that Jay Cutler is good for 20 heartbreaking interceptions and the body language of a teenager going through puberty.
13. Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens were a dropped pass away from the Superbowl and now come in as the #13 team in the NFLPADPOTASTC Power Rankings (same that one time fast). With the loss of Terrell Suggs and that defense not getting any younger, I see a step back for them.
12. Kansas City Chiefs – The Kansas City Chiefs are solid at every position other than one, the quarterback position, and seeing as it’s not the 1950’s and the forward pass is legal, you kinda need a good quarterback in the NFL.
11. Detroit Lions – I can’t wait for week one when the Lions get presented their offseason award for Most Arrests Ever in an offseason, congrats Detroit!
10. Dallas Cowboys – The Dallas Cowboys are gonna be so good they’re going to make you wanna slap yo mamma!
9. Denver Broncos – This ranking could go from top 3 to lower teens based on one player…Eric Decker! Just kidding, it’s all about Peyton Manning and that damn neck of his.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers revamped their whole offensive line and have a chance to be a dynamic offense with Todd Haley taking over as Offensive Coordinator, but one piece of advice Todd, If Big Ben asks you to go to the bathroom with him, don’t do it! He’s not gonna go over the Flea Flicker.
7. Philadelphia Eagles – Nothing says Dynasty more than starting off 4-8 last season as the “Dream Team”.
6. New Orleans Saints – I hope they don’t put a bounty on my head because I have them outside of the Top 5.
5. Houston Texans – The Texans were my Superbowl pick last year before Matt Schaub hurt his foot, resigning Arian Foster helped a lot, but there is question marks on that defense after losing Mario Williams, I still think they take the AFC South easily.
4. San Francisco 49ers – Are you surprised I didn’t put them as the #1 team? I am! In some Vegas hotels, the 49ers are favored to win the Superbowl and were two terrible fumbles away from beating the Giants by double digits (I managed to type that without crying, who says I’m not strong?) They have all 11 starters on defense back and improved their offense, if Alex Smith can convert on third downs and in the redzone this team will be scary.
3. New York Giants – The defending Superbowl champions needed to win the last regular season game of the year just to get to the playoffs, but Eli Manning became ELIte Manning and they have the best defensive player in the league, with JPP.
2. New England Patriots – Notorious regular season champions, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots will probably go 16-0 again in the regular season just to prove that they can’t do it in the playoffs…again.
1. Green Bay Packers – One of the most, if not the most, talented teams in the NFL that had a terrible loss at home verse the Giants last year, they will come out hungry trying to avenge what they think should’ve been a repeat Superbowl season. Remember, Week 1 GB vs. SF!