This Week In Sports

If you were out doing something important with your life, here’s what you missed this week in sports:

  • The NFL resumed contract negotiations with the locked out referees on Friday.  As the NFL and the Ref’s were walking to the negotiation table, the replacement refs called pass interference, holding, traveling, dropped third strike, and made up a rule of ‘Illegal Biceps” when referee Ed Hochuli made an appearance.
  • The Los Angeles Lakers announced that they are constructing a statue outside of Staples Center for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  No word yet on when the statue of Kobe Bryant yelling at Smush Parker and the jersey retirement of Cedric Ceballos will be made, but Mark Madsen, Slava Medvedenko (I spelled that right the first time! I’m a nerd.) and Luke Walton did get permission to re-enter Staples Center after a ban of terrible white players was instituted by Jeannie Buss.
  • The Boston Red Sox agreed to a trade that sent Adrian Gonzalez, Josh Beckett and Carl Crawford to the Los Angeles Dodgers that saved the Sox a quarter of a billion dollars.  Beckett celebrated by sprinting (yes, this is the first time he’s sprinted since 2007) to the nearest Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles and chugged a 40 oz of Mickey’s.  Carl Crawford celebrated by getting Tommy John Surgery (no punch line there), and Adrian Gonzalez celebrated by being allowed to speak Spanish for the first time since he was a San Diego Padre.
  • At the tender age of 30, Andy Roddick is retiring from competitive tennis after the U.S. Open.  Roddick, now old and decrepit, leaves the game a beaten man with only 20 million dollars in career earnings, and he must go home to this.  Retirement is tough for everyone, and I, for one, feel absolutely terrible for him.
  • LB Andre Parker of Kent State picked up a muffed (hehe) punt and ran 58 yards the wrong way on Friday.  Parker suffers from a rare form of dyslexia where he gets directions mixed up, but what was curious is that the disease became airborne and spread to the rest of his teammates as they blocked for him all the way down the field.  Doctors were called in to Kent State, but realized that Kent isn’t actually a state and nobody knows where Kent State is actually located.
  • Eagles CEO, Jeffrey Lurie, said that if the Eagles have another mediocre year that Andy Reid would be fired, essentially putting him on the hot seat.  After this was announced, Andy Reid’s Chair spoke out, saying, “Have you seen Andy Reid?  That guy is huge, chairs don’t just heat up by themselves!”
  • At the age of 50, Roger Clemens made a start for the Independent baseball team, the Sugarland Skeeters.  Proving that Dave Chappelle was right and that white people don’t know what “skeet” means, Roger Clemens said, “I want to thank all the fans of Skeeters, I just wanted to show that everyone, even women, can be a Skeeter whenever they want!  If I could, I’d be Skeeting until I die!”

– Lance Cartelli

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Posted on August 31, 2012, in Baseball, Basketball, Boston Red Sox, College, Football, Kobe Bryant, Lakers, Los Angeles, MLB, NBA, NFL, Sports and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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