An Ode To (Potentially) the Best Fantasy Football Team
“My team is so baller, there’s no way I don’t win the Championship”
– Me, after every single fantasy football draft.
Despite my emphatic proclamation that I have the best team in fantasy football every year, they still have to play the games and that’s usually where it all goes downhill for yours truly.
Whether I get screwed over by the injury bug (Jamaal Charles AND Run DMC last year, BS), bent over because I picked with my heart (damn you Frank Gore, every freaking year), or get completely boned because your team was good enough to win in the Championship game, but your opponent is the Atlanta Falcons and they are playing the Tampa Bay “I Quit On My Coach Week 4 and I Like to See Lance Suffer” Buccaneers. (F U Morgan Eugene Lawler).
And despite in the next sentence when I completely jinx myself in the League of Extraordinary Buttholes, NOT THIS YEAR! This IS the year for “I’ve got VD and Crabs” to take supremacy in the LOEB. This isn’t just me being a complete homersexual for my team, I’ve got reasons behind my continued (over)confidence.
16 men — nay — 16 soldiers, that will take the field for the next 17 weeks and do battle for my bragging rights and a small sum of straight cash homie.
Matt Ryan, my steal of a QB in the 8th round, will put up huge numbers throwing to my number one wideout Julio Jones (double points baby). Chris Johnson decided to take a year off and save those legs because he knew at pick #7 in the first round, Lance Cartelli (Ok, I’m getting into third person mode) would select him as his top player! Darren “I’m Shorter Than Lance” Sproles will continue to dominate defenses with his infant legs and volatile speed while giving me W’s week after week. My WR2 has somehow overcome migraines that cost him games last year and cleared his head to be one of the most underrated receivers in the league, that had over 100 touches once Christian Ponder took over for the Vikings. (Seriously, Percy whatever meds you took to get rid of those migraines hook a brother up). I can’t forget my top tight end, Jimmy “Is He a Half-Black, Half-Ginger, Mulatto?” Graham — either way I still got love for you. So far, no homer picks, you’re proud aren’t you? Well that just changed with my Defense and Special Teams, the #1 ranked D/ST, if I may, the San Francisco 49ers!* And to round out my starting line up, I got the kicker from Dallas – Dan Bailey -…umm, go kick field goals, bud.
*Quick Tangent: The 49ers return all 11 starters (!) and insert Aldon Smith into their starting line up, they upgraded depth on all three levels, watch out Green Bay, we comin’ and we hungry!
As you can see, there is no false confidence, that is a solid freakin’ team, and once I click publish I’m gonna read a tweet that Matt Ryan tore his ACL, Julio Jones broke his foot again, Percy Harvin’s migraines have come back to blind him, Darren Sproles got admitted to a midget facility, Chris Johnson decided he liked 2011 CJ0K, Jimmy Graham got washed up in the hurricane, and the 49ers D/ST has to play the Packers ….Oh, fuck me.
[This post is dedicated to Mr. Alexander Davison-Hand, who inspired me to write this after I said the quote from above]
– Lance Cartelli