Monthly Archives: February 2013
When one thinks of NFL Head Coaches that lead 53 men into battle every week through blood, sweat and tears one would assume that if they did have time for television, those head coaches would like tough, gritty dramas with high stakes. But Jim Harbaugh is another breed, is his favorite television show The Walking Dead? No. What about Friday Night Lights? Nope. Oh, it’s gotta be Game of Thrones? Negative. Two Broke Girls? Good guess, but unfortunately that is wrong as well. It’s Judge Judy.
Yes, that Judge Judy. The Judge Judy from daytime television. Between morning workouts, practice, watching film, and game-planning you just know, that Jim has the Season Pass for Judge Judy set on his TiVO from 1998.
While addressing the media at the NFL Combine, somehow talk of integrity, honesty and truthfulness was turned into an unabashed love of Judge Judith Sheindlin.
“Somebody that’s not truthful, that’s big, to me, I’m a big fan of the Judge Judy show. And when you lie in Judge Judy’s courtroom, it’s over. Your credibility is completely lost. You have no chance of winning that case. So I learned that from her. It’s very powerful, and true. Because if somebody does lie to you, how can you ever trust anything they ever say after that? Ronald Reagan, another person of great wisdom and advice, ‘Trust but we will verify.’ ” – Jim Harbaugh
The world has been around for hundreds of millions of years, we’ve been a country for 237 of them and finally someone was able to eloquently use Judge Judy and Ronald Reagan in the same sentence. Shame on you Planet Earth and America for this never happening.
As ashamed as I am to admit it, I’ve only seen Jim Harbaugh’s favorite show of all-time in passing when my parents would have it on while I was younger. I had to learn more of this Judith Sheindlin and her magical powers to inspire Harbaugh and be mentioned in the same breathe as former President Ronald Reagan. Naturally, I google searched her.
According to The International Business Times (sounds refutable) she makes $123,000…a day (!) and roughly $45 million a year. Jim Harbaugh needs to hire Judge Judy’s agent for his next contract extension. Judy started from the bottom and now she’s here.
The Judge Judy Show was nominated for a Daytime Emmy 14 years in a row without winning. I’m starting to understand Jim Harbaugh’s love for Judith; the 49ers have lost two big games in a row without winning the big one – they must keep fighting like Judy did, and they will overcome…or be the Bills of the 90’s or the Eagles of the 2000’s.
Apparently, Judge Judy has “Judyisms” – Oh, I see what they did there – I’m sure these can apply to Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers. No wonder he watches this show religiously, he’s learning and adapting this to his coaching. Jim Harbaugh is a genius.
“I am a truth machine!” – Maybe as a fan you decide to actually question Jim going for it on 4th-and-1? I wouldn’t. When they inevitably convert you can actually see Jim Harbaugh mouthing this on the sideline and pointing to the sky. Not to God, but to Judge Judy who is always looking over him.
“Baloney!” – Every time the 49ers want to challenge a bad call by the referees, Jim Harbaugh yells, “Baloney!” and 9 times out of 10 he will win that challenge. Also, the type of sandwich I envision Jim Harbaugh and Judge Judy eating when they sit down for lunch in my dreams.
“Dumb ideas come from people who have dumb brains.” – Oh, now you want to go for it on 4th-and-1 against the Justin Smith and the 49ers Defense? Ha! You’re coach has dumb brains!
“I eat liars for Breakfast”- She’s talking to you Pete Carroll. The 49ers eat liars and Seahawks for breakfast. Then baloney after!
“You lie to me, and I’ll wipe up the floor with you worse than anyone who’s ever tackled you.” – Fact: Patrick Willis says this right before he decides to destroy his enemies on the opposition.
“You are pretty thick!” – That’s what happens when you eat a lot of baloney, Judy!
“You know what my father used to say? He used to say: Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” – Jim Harbaugh doesn’t just believe what people tell him, Jim Harbaugh is the man that pees on your leg and tells you it’s raining. Believe that.
“That is the guiltiest face I’ve seen all day.”
“You speak. I rule, and then you shut up. Do you understand?” – Understood.
In the end I think we all learned a little bit about ourselves along with Jim Harbaugh and of course, Judge Judy. When I have my Star Wars moment and the hologram/jedi’s look over me, just know that it will be Ronald Reagan, Jim Harbaugh and Judge Judith Sheindlin.
– Lance Cartelli
Aztec Basketball recently had been going through a rough stretch with a couple rough road losses to some tougher schools in the Mountain West conference. Losses to undefeated at home Colorado St. and one-loss at home UNLV, makes the Aztec repeat of the regular season title a little more difficult. SDSU’s recent trouncing of Wyoming at Viejas Arena helped a ton but Colorado St. losing at UNLV makes it difficult considering UNLV has swept SDSU in the regular season. Look for UNLV or New Mexico to take the regular season title but come conference tourney time that is when the Aztecs shine.
The NFL Combine, also known as the “Underwear Olympics” starts this Saturday in Indianapolis. Charger fans that are steady and cautiously looking for reasons to deposit on season tickets will pay close attention on who performs well on the OL workouts. They may even want to take a look at corner too, even though they recently claimed Johnny Patrick off waivers from the New Orleans Saints. The Chargers have been good at striking it rich with the waiver wire, but don’t get that excited as Kevin Acee of U-T said “He’s just a guy.” Let’s hope that Leon Sandcastle will still be available come April but I don’t think the Chiefs will let that happen.
In more irrelevant team news, the San Diego Padres, along with 31 other teams reported to Spring Training in Arizona and Florida. The smell of optimism in the air by March and disappointment by July or August, I’m not sure even the studded finish by Chase Headley had toward the end of the 2012 season can still fill the seats other than opening day, which is always a given in sell outs. Padres catcher Yasmani Grandal will begin his suspension once game one starts of his 50 game suspension. He, along with SS and 2012 NL Stolen Base leader Everth Cabrera, have been in the news because of recent leaks to steroid sales from a Florida supplement dealer with other superstars of MLB. We’ll see if Grandal bounces back after game 50 is up.
(Honorable Mention: SDSU baseball sweeps No. 12 ranked cross town rival USD last weekend to move the Aztecs to No. 22 in the nation with No. 6 Oregon State already underway, a four game series with OSU up 1-0 in the series)
So, Kawhi so serious?
In case you missed the awful NBA All-Star Saturday Night, you didn’t miss much other than missed dunks in the Slam Dunk Contest, but you did miss a betrayal for the ages. In an effort to get San Antonio Spurs Forward Matt Bonner into the Three-Point Contest, Kobe Bryant bequeathed the nickname the “Red Mamba” to him. Needless to say I was heartbroken.
Let’s go over the facts: Kobe Bryant is my second favorite basketball player of all-time behind Michael Jordan. The Lakers are my favorite team. I have red hair. Those three factors alone put me on the short list for greatest nickname ever, “The Red Mamba”.
Not only did Matt Bonner — whose name is really close to being Matt Boner — get the greatest nickname on Planet Earth and probably the Milky Way Galaxy, but he also got a shirt of a Red Mamba in attack mode?!
That is my shirt. I understand your mistake Kobe, so I’ll take that shirt in Men’s Large, does it come as a tall tee? I am ready to terrify the little kid that was jumped over in the Slam Dunk Contest.
Now after being bestowed the “Red Mamba” nickname and an equally awesome and horrifying shirt, the Red Mamba has to run away with the Three-Point Contest, right? There’s no way the Red Mamba could lose!
At this point, I was torn. Do I root for Mr. Red Mamba even though he stole my rightful name? Us Gingers do have to stick together, you know. Or…has this man become my mortal enemy — the Joker to my Batman, the receding hairline to my LeBron James — and I must destroy him to regain what is rightfully mine? I decide to go with the former seeing as he’s a big, white guy with red hair, he’s just too damn lovable. Damn you Bonner!
The Red Mamba comes out nailing everything. Maybe Kobe was right. Bonner advances to the finals against Kyrie Irving.
Unfortunately, being tall and white and a Ginger caught up to big Bonner in the Finals where he ran into the buzz-saw that is Kyrie Irving.
The Red Mamba loses, which gets me thinking – I lose all the time. I could’ve lost at the Three-Point Contest, I could lose a lot of things for the right to be called the Red Mamba by Kobe Bean Bryant. Lance “Second Place” Cartelli doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Therefore, the twitter campaign #Lance4RedMamba begins, it shall be trending in no time.
At least Kobe still has his back right? The guy that created the nickname and started the campaign to get Matt Bonner into the Three-Point Contest wouldn’t just turn his back on him would he? Never turn your back on a Mamba!
After being stabbed in the back by Kobe, I doubt Mr. Bonner wants to keep this nickname that is tainted by the 2013 NBA Three-Point Contest. Which means the reign of Lance “Red Mamba” Cartelli is in full affect. Hopefully the power doesn’t go to my head and I become Joffrey from Game of Thrones.
I had to do more research on this Red Mamba. Like a Method Actor, I had to do more research to get into the role of a lifetime.
First, a Google search. The seventh thing on the list is a movie called “The Red Mamba” made in 2002. I don’t even need to read the plot summary I know that this will be the best movie ever made (sorry, Highlander) and that if there is a God, it will be streaming on Netflix. But, I get sucked into the IMDb page. A movie written and directed by James Jackson – whose other credits include: Actor – Aliens vs. A-Holes and he was also a Cinematographer for Blood, Guts, and Cleaning Supplies: The Making of “The Janitor” – well, that’s two more movies on my Netflix queue. Still perusing around the IMDb page, I get to the plot summary and it is everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
A bright sunny day in the deep wilderness fades to black for Oz and Lucy, two teens on a quest for a magical sex drug which grows wild in a mythical mushroom field known as Cloud 9. Oz assures her that the story about a man who claims to have seen a caveman in the woods was either a delusion caused from his eating a similar but poisonous variety of the sex drug known as the “Red Mamba”, or more likely a spook story to keep poachers clear of the treasured fungus in Cloud 9… Or is it?
Why did Christopher Nolan not write and direct this? There’s always the sequel. I am available, by the way.
Unfortunately, there are no reviews or even any message board comments. How can this be true? But, from eight satisfied patrons it is rated 8.4 which would effectively put it as the 50th greatest movie of all-time according to IMDb. I’m sold.
But I digress, I finally return to my Google search to realize there is no Wikipedia page for the Red Mamba and that it doesn’t even exist! Time to genetically mate a Black Mamba with a Ladybug to create the #REDMAMBA.
Kobe – I know you will read this and I just want you to know I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.
– Lance Cartelli
Everything has a beginning and an end. Whether it’s good or bad, happy or sad, everything comes to an end. For the 2012 San Francisco 49ers and yours truly, it lasted 148 days. From September 9th, an Opening Day victory against the Green Bay Packers, until February 2nd, a devastating loss in the Super Bowl to the Baltimore Ravens, It ended up being the most satisfying and heartbreaking 148 days in 18 years and realistically my life.
It dawned on me that Sundays loss was just a bad version of a Romantic Comedy.
The Premise: A mid-20’s die-hard San Francisco 49ers fan, who has never loved anything but his parents and the 49ers, goes through the ups-and-downs of a season to see his team advance to the Super Bowl.
Everything was set-up perfectly for a beautiful Romantic Comedy. The man in his mid-20’s played by none other than Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Ryan Gosling had scheduling conflicts), let’s for shits and giggles call him, Lance. The Super Bowl Trophy, adorkably played by Zooey Deschanel, it was all too perfect. They would end up together and be happy for the rest of the 2013 offseason as the Super Bowl Champions. The conflict you ask? The Baltimore Ravens, the gay best friend that is trying to ruin everything! And they did.
This is not a happy story, this is not a story about boy meets girl or boy’s team wins the Super Bowl and is euphoric. This is the story of heartbreak.
The script was written, the movie was greenlit and was set to premiere just a few weeks before Valentine’s Day. It was a film that men and women could all enjoy, a great date movie that had love, plot twists that would make M. Night Shyamalan jealous, and Football! Probably the three greatest things in the World.
Unfortunately for the naive, in love 49ers fan, it was not a happy ending.
(1) It started off great, the 49ers went into Lambeau Field and defeated the Green Bay Packers on Opening Day. A statement was made. The shy protagonist stepped out of his comfort zone and met the girl/team of his dreams. What a great start to the movie. I’m really rooting for this Lance guy!
(100) Our first plot twist! Zooey breaks up with her loving, but ultimately not good enough High-School sweetheart, lets call him Alex Smith. He gets an awful head injury and we think that they can pull through this, but they don’t. Finally an opportunity for someone to swoop in. A secondary character is introduced and ready to take the stage, his name Colin Kaepernick. He plays well, but you expect him back in his secondary role.
[At this point, the Characters are all screwed up and I’ve lost my way, but stay with me I’m going somewhere with this…I think]
(106) We have yet to see our main character return. JGL is a little scared, they have a big game on the national stage against currently the best defense in the NFL. Kaepernick is not so scared, he dominates, he is no longer a secondary character, sorry Alex. Zooey likes what she sees.
(148) You never know when something good/bad is going to end, unless it’s sports, there’s only 1 team that ends the season happy and two teams end the same day. Today was the Super Bowl. One team will go down in history, the other team will just go down.
This was Colin’s chance to sweep Zooey off her feet and engrave his name into this trophy, kinda sexist if you ask me, but he’s the Protagonist!
It did not start off so well, the gay best friend is no longer gay and trying to remove the best friend title for something a little more intimate he’s trying to steal your Trophy Wife. Down 22-6 he’s doing a damn good job.
Midway through the night, you feel like you’re losing her, you are about to throw in the towel. Time to find the Alcohol – this always ends well.
The lights in the stadium go dark. This is perfect, all I want when someone is trying to steal something that I rightfully deserve is to sit in the dark while this it’s happening. Already angry, surrounded by people yelling drunken nonsense at this party, and your girl is flirting with someone else, a guy named Joe Flacco. He’s cool, he’s calm, he’s good looking – He better not be going to Disney World with her later. JGL has been relegated to the sidekick in every Rom-Com – the fat, ugly friend who gives awful advice. I’ve never felt more bi-polar than at this moment – I feel like I’m Bradley Cooper in The Silver Linings Playbook. I hope the payoff is Jennifer Lawrence.
But wait, it’s time for our huge romantic gesture! Down 22 in the 3rd quarter, JGL busts out the boombox to play outside Zooey’s window. She’s gonna love that shit, and you know what? She does. The 49ers are right back in it. Down 5, they get within 5 yards of kissing this big beautiful trophy that they have worked for more than 148 days for.
I am full of emotions and you should be too, this is the climax! Our Protagonist is finally going to win the heart of his true love!
But this story is not a love story, it is not a happy ending, the 49ers fall five yards short of their goal, their dream, their love. It’s like the The Break-Up, it was never gonna end happy.
The only problem with this failed Romantic Comedy that after the credits roll, the story keeps going. Commercials, Television, the “I’M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!” even though I’d much rather spend my time at Disneyland because California > Florida and there’s generally more to do here, but I’m not the one who won the Super Bowl, so whatever Joe, do what you want! But I digress.
The silver lining to this heartbreak? The Sequel!
Just like JGL met Autumn at the end of 500 Days of Summer (Spoiler Alert!), the 49ers will have a chance to reclaim what they believe is rightfully theirs and that journey begins in seven months.
What I did learn with my first love and true sports heartbreak is that in the end it is better to have loved and lost (the Super Bowl) than to have never of loved a team at all.
– Lance Cartelli
According to ESPN’s NFL Live on Feb 5th, the Ravens are the latest team to win the Super Bowl after facing the Philadelphia Eagles at their home opening game. The last three teams (Saints 09’, Packers 10’, Giants 11’) and the Ravens, all faced the Eagles at their home openers and all have won the Super Bowl.
One of the eight teams on this seasons home schedule for the Eagles is in fact the San Diego Chargers along with AFC West scheduled foe, the Kansas City Chiefs. So does that mean its all Chiefs and Chargers going into next season for the AFC West? Hey, four years in a row of this stat you can’t help to feel a little better after a disastrously below average season in 2012.
So when the schedule comes out later this year, pray for that home opener date versus the Eagles. Hopefully they don’t find a way to screw this one up.
Other News you don’t care about:
SDSU Men’s basketball drops out of the AP top 25 again after another loss to Air Force in Colorado Springs. Air Force all time is 3-78 against teams in the top 25 with two of those victories against State this year and last year. Aztecs need an option incase Xavier Thames can’t go because they seem average without him at Guard.
Lots of mock drafts for the San Diego Chargers have them picking OL, with Central Michigan’s OT Eric Fisher. Most of the time these drafts are wrong, but I already like the sign of an O-Lineman and they have to figure out a way to protect Rivers left side, period.
The San Diego Padres avoided arbitration with 3B silver-slugger award winner Chase Headley, signing to a one-year 8 Million deal. I’ve already got my countdown ready on how long he will be here until the summer trade deadline comes since obviously the Padres are never impressed with anything it seems. #WEWANTGIANCARLO