Monthly Archives: March 2013
Spring is here and Summer is just around the corner, Carlsbad flower fields are in bloom, spring breakers in college are drin.. (cough) I mean fixing houses for the poor in Lake Havasu of course! But, best of all you ask? (You didn’t ask, huh?) is Padres baseball kicks off this coming Monday in Flushing versus the New York Mets. The 2013 season for Major League Baseball will be underway this Sunday and I’m here to give you a preview for the Padres season and N.L. West predictions.
Padres Projected Opening Day Lineup (By roster, not line-up order):
LF -Carlos Quentin (injury pending/expected)
CF -Cameron Maybin
RF -Will Venable/Chris Denorfia
3B- Logan Forsythe (DL), Jedd Gyorko,? (Chase Headley — of course — will start but will be on the DL to start the season)
SS –Everth Cabrera
2B – Jedd Gyorko/Alexi Amarista
1B- Yonder Alonso
C- Nick Hundley (Least until Yasmani Grandal comes off his 50-game suspension for PED’s)
- Edinson Volquez
- Clayton Richard
- Andrew Cashner
- Eric Stults
- Tyson Ross/Jason Marquis
Closer: Huston Street
Set-up: Luke Gregerson
Tyson Ross, New owner(s) Ron Fowler/O’Malley sons.
Casey Kelly (Tommy John) Rymer Liriano (Tommy John) Cory Luebke (Recoving til July) Joe Wieland (Tommy John recovery)
Projection: 3rd in N.L. West
Keeping the faith: This is a generous prediction. Last year, the Padres finished with one of the best records after the All-Star Break, but as usual, they dug themselves into an early hole into the season to add to the usual injury bugs that bit some key players. This worked in 2009, which turned into success in 2010 so maybe lightning can strike twice? Probably not, but this time the Padres need a quick start for this to work, which will be very tough, but not completely impossible.
Reality: This is one of the years where we will see what kind of farm system the Padres have (Talkin’ to you Jedd); they need to prove their high-ranking farm system and unfortunately that won’t put butts in the seats until the Yankees, Dodgers and Giants are in town. Chase Headley, depending on where the team will be in the standings, could be sellers again and could see Headley on the move, but we all thought that last year too, right? Except this time there is no long term offer waiting. Giants and Dodgers are still just too tough for the two horse race that is the N.L. West Crown.
NL West Standings:
- Giants (World Champs always the favorite plus Rick Flair says it all; expect more Cal-Trans Orange and Panda hats at Petco this year per usual)
- Dodgers (Magic-Ball in L.A. will give Padres fans headaches for years to come, expect more Doyer Blue at Petco this year per usual.)
- Padres (Some fresh talent on the field but pitching is mediocre)
- Rockies (Just like Coors, it’s not bad but not good. No pitching and need a healthy Tulo.)
- D-Backs (Some predict them to be the Oakland A’s of last year but trades of Upton, Young and top prospect Bauer, KT looking to the future?)
– Ryan Pedersen
I don’t have to tell you how amazing March Madness really is, but I will anyways. It is the greatest playoff system in sports. Easily. No doubt about it. Where else can you root for a school you’ve never heard of beat a team that you hear entirely too much about? We’re Americans, we love underdogs. There was a time when we were the underdogs, alas we are far from that now, but we see a little bit of us in every mid-major school that has a ton of
white boys less than stellar athletes that will never play in the NBA and when these non-athletic players demolish the dreams of the McDonald’s All-Americans, we eat that shit up. Now, if only another college sport had been smart enough to implement this, but I digress.
The latest team to take over March Madness and captivate the millions…and millions of March Madness fans is none other than the FGCU Eagles. No, that is not a random assortment of cool looking letters in the English alphabet. It’s actually Florida Gulf Coast University. More importantly, they have reached a very special someone, someone that is void of having a team in the March Madness race, a man that can reach literally dozens of people through the internet and social medias. That man is now the conductor of the FGCU Bandwagon, that man, is of course me! (or this column would suck). Call me Conductor Cartelli of the Fly Like an Eagle Bandwagon!
As I watched the FGCU Fly Like an Eagle all over Georgetown, I was angry. Not only did I lose a Final Four team, I lost it to a 15 seed that I’ve never heard of, thankfully according to their name I assumed they were on the Gulf Coast. I’m definitely smarter than Siri. My anger didn’t last long, how can you hate a 15 seed upsetting a 2 seed? And they did it in amusing fashion. They were flying all over the place. They were even coined “Dunk City”. DUNK FREAKIN’ CITY! What a great name, I bet you $5 in Monopoly money that Blake Griffin is sitting in his Kia thinking, “Why didn’t I come up with that? Lob City is child’s play compared to DUNK CITY?!”. Blake, you are correct.
Since I crowned myself the Conductor of this Bandwagon, I had to learn more of this majestic place. FGCU was established in 1991! That makes me 4 years older then the school. They just turned 21, I hope they are enjoying an ice cold one after these sweet victories. According to ESPN, they are the only team to be undefeated in the NCAA Tournament! That means that 32 teams have lost more tournament games this weekend then FGCU has. Ever. FGCU motto happens to be – “Truth, Knowledge, Wisdom”. This tournament they are dropping some major knowledge and blessing us with some wisdom, because they are the truth.
OH YEAH, THEY DANCE LIKE THIS:
POLO. SHIRT. GUY. THOUGH.
You know who FGCU’s second biggest fan behind me is? SEAL. Want proof? You got it.
Seal dedicated his 1997 hit song, “Fly Like an Eagle”, from the second greatest movie soundtrack of all-time*, Space Jam to FGCU. I should have seen the signs sooner, when Seal is dedicating songs to you and you dance like Polo Shirt Guy, how can you lose? They are no longer a 15 seed, they are THE Seed.
**1. Garden State**
Now that they are in the Sweet 16 and take on in-state rival, the Florida Gators aka The Monstars, they have all the confidence in the world. When those lights dim and the FGCU Anthem hits…”Fly like an eagle and let my spirit carry me…”, that spirit will have them soaring above their competitors.
#FlyLikeAnEagle FGCU, fly, fly.
– Lance Cartelli
Careful what you ask for Saint Diago, because it might just come true. We all knew the day of reckoning was coming with the firings of Norval and A.J. The release of fan favorite Takeo Spikes, losing the teams best guard, Louis Vasquez, to your divisional rival, Denver Broncos and signing lackluster names.
It’s absolutely ludicrous (I know you shouted in your head “LUDA!” like I did) for fans to be complaining about the Chargers free agent signings but we all knew when a team starts over, they’ve got to start with the foundation and that will be this year’s draft. I personally believe in Chargers General Manager Tom Telesco. Was I disappointed the Chargers let go of Vasquez to arch rival Denver? You bet I was! But, I believe in the new deal and who could blame Lou for leaving, Denver will arguably be the favorite on paper to win it all next season.
The best signing(s) of all so far is Defensive Back Derex Cox from Jacksonville, who — when healthy — can be a great physical corner, (Antoine Cason signing with Arizona) which is what the Bolts will need with an arsenal of great receivers now in the AFC West. Danny Woodhead from New England can contribute on third down but not exactly sure where he will fit in quite yet but Woodhead (a.k.a. Woodcock) will be a new fan favorite. John Phillips from Dallas is essentially Randy McMichael but younger, King Dunlap will need King Stalman to bail him out from the verbal abuse he got from the Philly media about his resume in Philly but it’s hard to keep Philly fans happy with anything. Finally, the wackiest name so far is Foswhitt “Fossy” Whittaker, who was signed from the Cardinals practice squad.
Stay Humble Bolts fans.
Tiger Woods is in the news again today because of another blonde woman. No, it’s not what you’re thinking, this time Tiger is in the news to announce he is “Facebook Official” with Olympian Lindsey Vonn. He’s so Facebook Official (henceforth known as “FBO”) that he posted photos to his Facebook confirming their Facebook Official-ness.
Tiger tweeted that he Facebooked pictures of them? Does anyone know if he Instagrammed it too?! I’m so happy that over 1600 people also are happy that Tiger has found his one true Blonde Facebook Love.
**Now, to those that don’t understand how being FBO works, let me drop some knowledge. When you meet that special someone that catches your eye and after you get that whole awkward first sexual experience out of the way you may start dating this apple of your eye. If the dating goes well for at least three months (The Three-Month Rule) someone has to make a decision — fight or flight, sink or swim — at the end of those three-months if you stay committed it must be turned into a FBO. Going against these rules means almost certain demise of your once loving relationship.
By the way, FBO applies to everything. You are a stranger or an acquaintance to me unless we are officially Facebook friends. Marriage, you ask? Not real until it’s on the FB. I recently was a groomsmen at a wedding – they said their vows, they said “I do”, they kissed, we celebrated, we drank a lot, but it’s not real until it’s on Facebook. Or if you get my name tatted on you so I know it’s real.**
He even gave them their own album! Do not take this lightly, folks.
Let’s examine that quote for a quick second. He doesn’t even start with how happy he is that he met this wonderful, athletic, attractive blonde woman who, in turn, doesn’t care that he is a recovering nymphomaniac (is it worth recovering from?). He begins with how he has won those two tournaments at Torrey Pines and Doral. Just think if he actually won a major, poor Lindsey wouldn’t even be apart of that paragraph, she’d probably be in the fine print and Tiger would dedicate a whole album on Facebook to him cuddling with his trophy. I can’t wait to see Tiger in his green jacket making out with the Masters Trophy. Sorry Linds!
Following a quick skim of the old high school glamour shots that Liger or TiVo took, I found this gem. Look how happy they are, Tiger loves his blonde women, Lindsey apparently has Jungle Fever. But why are they not looking at the camera? Is there a second camera man? What do they need TWO cameramen for? What does this second camera man do exactly? I want to see what he’s got, probably a lot better than these pictures.
We cannot underestimate the impact this has on Facebook as well. Facebook has been a dying breed and this is the biggest thing to happen to FB since The Social Network. Mark Zuckerberg is so thrilled he’s thinking about screwing over everyone in the company and giving all of FB stock to Eldrick “Tiger” Woods. We can also cross Tiger’s name off the potential Catfish list.
Selfishly, I am ecstatic that Tiger is back to his winning ways on the course and off, there is one thing in common when he is at his best. Blonde women. Tiger is back on that #BlondeBandwagon and he’s winning. Tiger has an insatiable thirst for two things: Winning and Blondes. And he is back with both. Thank God because it has been too long.
– Lance Cartelli
Ever since that awkward puberty stage in a young man’s life where your voice is cracking, you start sweating in weird places, you’re now noticing girls and getting random boners in Math Class — don’t worry 12 year-olds of the world, we’ve been there — there is always one question that will be asked until the end of all eternity – “Who is your #1 girl?”, “Whose your dream girl?”, “If you were stuck on a sexy topless island with one person, who would it be with?”. The answer to each one of those questions is simple – Alison Brie. For years, it’s been a game of Musical Chairs for my #1 Stunna. It all started with an innocent Britney Spears after her first hit single, “Baby One More Time” (That schoolgirl look). Others include: Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis, Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Alba, etc. It’s a long list of HNNNGGGGs, but now that I’m older and more mature – it’s no longer 99% looks and 1% personality. Personality has to have its fun in the sun, so with this new found maturity, I had an epiphany. Alison Brie is perfect. If this was an episode of Friends, I would be Ross and my list would be #1 Alison Brie and I would laminate the shit out of that**, Sorry Mila. Why, you ask? Well let me break it down for you fools.
**Do people still laminate things? It was all the rage back in elementary school. I haven’t done my research on the laminated paper business, but you have to assume that is one of the hardest hit by the economy, ya know? Poor Mom & Pop lamination stores!**
First, for you novices to the Alison Brie game, she looks like this:
Perfect, I know.
She was born into this world from, presumably, great genes as Alison Brie Schermerhorn. Strong Jewish name, but that’s okay AB, that last name will soon be Cartelli.
While in high school, Alison would perform as a clown for kids’ birthday parties and her clown name was Sunny. I am a little conflicted with this history in her life. If I was making another laminated list of “The Scariest Things in the Freakin’ World” clowns would be on that list. Arguably in the top-3. I can’t think of one positive memory that included clowns, not even any dreams. I do appreciate the fact that her name tried to rebuke the scariness of Clowning and it’s honest because she does bring sunshine into my life. We all have our weird high school times, maybe even some things we regret in our past. Love is compromise, so I’ll give her a pass on this one.
Am I losing you? Here’s a picture of Alison
Cartelli Brie, in lingerie, with another girl.
She’s on one of the best shows on television, Community, where she plays Annie. AND THERE’S A MONKEY NAMED AFTER HER BOOBS! You guessed it, the monkey’s name is Annie’s Boobs.
A-Money (my adorable nickname for her) has made the list of “100 Most Beautiful Famous Faces in the World,” compiled by TC Candler, in each of the last four years, ranking 18th (2009), 5th (2010), 40th (2011), and 26th (2012). You know what, TC Chandler? Your list is bullshit. On Casually Ginger’s 1 Most Beautiful Alison Brie’s she ranks #1. Every year. Even Leap Year. Who the hell does TC Chandler think he is? He doesn’t even warrant a Google search out of me.
Here’s Alison Brie eating ice cream. If only it were Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked.
Now, I know what you all are thinking – “Yeah, she’s great, but what makes her perfect?”. Your question is premature, my friends.
Not only can someone as talented as Ms. Brie act, she can also sing. She is the lead singer of a cover band called, “The Girls”. Great name, she probably thought of it herself.
She’s singing a cover of Childish Gambino’s These Girls. The most perfect girl sings the songs of one of my favorite rappers? My God.
Oh yeah, she freestyle raps too.
She’s like the female Drake. The (better) Female Drake. The similarities are uncanny. She sings. She raps. She’s Jewish. They both act. The differences: She’s from America, take that Canada! She’s never played a guy in a wheelchair, but she was in Lizzy McGuire. Lizzie McGuire > Degrassi.
I can’t wait for Alison “The Female Drake” Brie to drop an album where she sings and raps. Take that Drizzy, OVOXO.
– Lance Cartelli
The Chargers and Padres are licking their chops of how easy it has been for the
4th time in a row San Diego Sockers PASL champions yet again! The Sockers clinch
their 14th banner in Sockers franchise history. Ryan Mathews was in attendance and
broke the trophy though.
Padres played another spring training game that went like this (snoreeeeeeeeeeee)
San Diego State University Men’s Basketball finishes it’s season 21-9 overall with a tough rematch at Thomas & Mack center versus Boise State this Wednesday night. The Aztecs had no answer for their own terrible free throw shooting problems and field goals all game and couldn’t even get toilet paper to roll their way. Heck, Boise fell asleep with less than thirty seconds to go and somehow couldn’t get that easy lay-up to go in. Critics are still iffy on the Aztecs getting an invite to the “Big Dance” feeling that they could use a few more stable wins to the resume and defeating Boise on the year would be a good start. Regardless, their record on the West Coast defeating all California teams is pretty impressive. The San Diego Chargers find themselves looking on the outside in with free agency. Last year trying to find diamonds in the rough with signings like Eddie Royal and Robert Meachem did not pan out at all. I mean, it went just horrible. New General Manager Tom Telesco says they won’t focus all their attention on big free agents but you still should sign your rock and anchors from a dreadful team. Guard Louis Vasquez and Wide Receiver Danario Alexander (who was low tendered) should be suitors to other teams with free agency under way. It would be very Charger-like and wouldn’t be surprising if they let these guys walk but hopefully they work out something to stay. Let’s not get off on the wrong track Tommy-T.
– Someone other than our cherished and beloved Ron Burgundy finally made SportsCenter on Monday for his ridiculous dunk versus Oklahoma City. Kawhi Leonard made SportsCenter’s Top 10 plays of the night at number one!
– USD Men’s Basketball coach Bill Grier is now on the hot seat after their season
ended Sunday night versus Saint Mary’s (SF) in the WCC tournament. It’s a very
“Norval-pickled” situation now for USD with wins over Pepperdine and a surprise
defeat of conference elite BYU. Look for them to probably give him one more shot
after no NCAA bids the past few years since his first year as HC. Just seeing this
reminds me of so much grand memories.
So, Kawhi so serious?
“It’s amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy.” – Bob Uecker, Major League II
Truer words have never been spoken about how I used to view Justin Timberlake. As the lead face of ‘N Sync, he inspired nothing but personal contempt – but then again, so did boy bands in general (except 2gether of course). But once he went solo, I surprisingly found myself able to tolerate his music. In the decade-plus since he dropped Justified, one could safely say I’ve become a fan of his. However, since his split from Joey, JC, Lance and Chris, one thing has become more abundantly clear than anything else:
This dude is pretty damn funny.
That’s right – the same guy who used to slum it with Ryan Gosling in The Mickey Mouse Club has quite the penchant for comedy. So needless to say, I was pretty excited when I found out that JT would be hosting the venerable Saturday Night Live for the fifth time this past weekend. Did his performance stack up to his previous four efforts?
Cold Open – Hugo Chavez memorial: Stories in the news have long been staples of the cold open, and this week’s show was no different. Deceased Venezuelan president (and Sean Penn BFF) Hugo Chavez was the target this week, as a mustachioed Fred Armisen introduced Elton John (Timberlake) to pay Chavez tribute. To the tune of “Candle in the Wind”, Timberlake begins praising random facts about Chavez’s life (how he banned Coke Zero, how capitalism killed Mars, and that the U.S. causes earthquakes). Coupled with the face JT makes as he intros the show, the cold open works. 7.5/10
Monologue: A tricky thing for any host, the monologue often sets the pace for the show. Being that this is Justin’s fifth time hosting, he describes how he has been granted admission to “The Five-Timers Club” and is gracious enough to give us a tour. Some highlights:
- Steve Martin: “I always figured if an ‘N Sync member would make the Five-Timers Club, it would be Joey Fatone”
- Martin Short doing the Three Amigos salute
- Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks (the last host to get the Five-Timers treatment) watching current cast members Bobby Moynihan and Taran Killam fight to the death
A few other big names show up to wish Justin well, but I won’t spoil them for you. It’s a monologue that’s too good to miss. 9/10
Game Show – It’s A Date: Justin’s last time doing a game show sketch (“What’s That Name?” with Lady Gaga) was outstanding, and this dating show didn’t disappoint either. Bill Hader plays the host, a role he traditionally plays in the show’s game show sketches, and introduces three bachelors who will compete for Vanessa Bayer’s affection. Her choices:
- An architect (Moynihan) who thinks her voice sounds lovely
- The “D*ck in a Box” guys (Andy Samberg and Timberlake) who say she sounds like a real tenderoni and “want to freak her in the back of a PT Cruiser…rental”
- George and Yortuk, the Festrunk Brothers (Dan Akroyd and Steve Martin) – the original wild and crazy guys (watch an episode of SNL from the ‘70s if you’re unfamiliar)
I don’t even know where to start with this sketch. The two duos are clearly the highlights (JT and Samberg’s songs are all great), but Moynihan is also good as the guy who soon realizes he has no chance of winning (“Oh I’m gonna lose!”). This may be one of the best sketches of the entire season. 10/10
[Editor’s Note: I haven’t stopped saying “rail her butt” since I heard the D*ck in a Box guys say it. Line of the night.]
Veganville: Each of Justin’s preceding appearances have seen him dressed in a ridiculous outfit (omelet, a bowl of soup, and a breast implant) doing his best Weird Al impression and changing popular songs that reflect the outfit that he’s wearing. This time he’s a giant piece of tofu, squaring off against a sausage maker (Moynihan) while promoting the healthy restaurant Veganville. If you’ve seen one of these sketches in the past, you know how this goes…except this one has 2 Chainz and a Harlem Shake (“Drink a vegan shake”). Enough said. 9.5/10
Commercial – Nuva Bling: A contraceptive covered in diamonds that doubles as an earring after you’re done using it? Who wouldn’t want to wear that? 9/10
Musical Performance – Suit & Tie: Awesome performance of an awesome song. Jay-Z even showed up on stage wearing enough jewelry to make Mr. T pity the fool. 10/10
Weekend Update: One of the best recurring characters on the show the last few years is Bill Hader’s Stefon, mostly due to the fact that he can never keep a straight face throughout the sketch. This can be attributed to former SNL writer John Mulaney, who used to intentionally change the cue cards before the show in an effort to trip up Hader. More hilarity ensues this time around, as Stefon recommends more of New York’s hottest clubs. If you’ve ever wondered what Donald Duck would sound like having a Vietnam nightmare, you’ll want to check this out. 9/10
Had the episode ended right after Weekend Update, it would’ve been an all-timer. But unfortunately, the writers have to fill 90 minutes each week. Time to begin the steep nose dive.
The Tales of Sober Caligula: Timberlake suits up as Caligula who, to the chagrin of his followers, has abandoned his hedonistic lifestyle to go on the straight and narrow path. No more orgies – now it’s game night! It’s a painful sketch from beginning to end. You’ll be thankful that your DVR has a fast-forward button. 1/10
Maine Justice: Apparently this sketch debuted during Jamie Foxx’s episode in December (which I missed). As far as I’m concerned, it should have stayed in that episode. People in Maine acting like Cajuns? Eh, no thanks… 2.5/10
Musical Performance – Mirrors: A second track of the upcoming album. A little different from Suit & Tie, but still pretty solid. 8.5/10
Movie Trailer – She’s Got a D*ck: JT pines after a girl (Nasim Pedrad) with a secret. I’ll let you guess what it is. 3.5/10
Moet & Chandon: Another sketch from Jamie Foxx’s episode. This one at least has a few laughs, with Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong as former porn stars pitching a champagne whose name they can’t even pronounce. Justin shows up later as Ricky V.I.Penis, an adult film star who only does ‘feminist porn’ and encourages the viewer to drink “Monica & Chandler Champagne”. The porn ‘stache and jean shorts really tie the whole outfit together. And remember – the best gift you can give a loved one is champagne (or is it oral?). 7.5/10
Conclusion: This is the kind of episode the SNL writers are able to do with a host that’s willing to make a fool of himself. Yes, the majority of the sketches were retreads, but that’s not always a bad thing when they’re the right sketches. These ones were definitely the right ones. The “____ville” sketches have gotten progressively better, and anytime Justin teams up with Andy Samberg, it’s typically a hit. If he would have brought back Jimmy Fallon for another edition of Barry Gibb Talk Show, this show would have been perfect. Be that as it may, Justin truly seems to enjoy himself when he hosts, which helps us enjoy it too. 9/10
So there you have it – the latest effort from the newest member of the Five-Timer’s Club. Is it his best overall effort? I would have to say yes; despite the awful Caligula sketch, there were just too many pluses. In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that Justin Timberlake is the best host the show has had in the last decade. His five shows stack up just as well as any other actor/musician/personality with multiple appearances over the same time frame. And with the news that this episode gave the show its highest ratings in 14 months, I think it’s an open and shut case.
See you next season, JT.
– Mike Millburn
NFL Mock Drafts…what can you say about them? They are like one really excruciatingly long opinion and you know what they say about opinions – they’re like a$$holes, everyone has them and they all stink. Only problem with Mock Drafts is it’s not just one opinion its 32 different opinions that’s like…32 butts!
That being said, here’s my long-winded (hehe, see what I did there?) Mock Draft that will most assuredly be wrong 99% of the time especially after Free Agency starts tomorrow.
1. Kansas City Chiefs – This one I’m fairly confident about because Adam Schefter has tweeted it. Formerly known as the “Adam Schefter of San Marcos” I’m going to trust his inside sources. Luke Joekel, OT, Texas A&M.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville hired a defensive head coach and cut both starting defensive backs. So i’m going out on a limb and saying Cornerback is a need. Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama.
3. Oakland Raiders – The best player in the draft falls to the Raiders at a need spot. How’s that for luck that Oakland has been desperately needing. If Al Davis were still alive he’d probably try to draft the “Honeybadger” here. Shariff Floyd, DT, Florida.
4. Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are switching to a 3-4 and just hired former Oregon Head Coach, Chip Kelly. He goes to his deep well at the O and gets his pass rusher. Dion Jordan, DE/OLB, Oregon.
5. Detroit Lions – Detroit’s defensive line went from a strength to a weakness about as fast as Brandon Knight became the poster for posterization. Ezekiel Ansah, DE/OLB, BYU.
6. Cleveland Browns – If Cleveland figures out their QB situation they have the talent to challenge for a Wild Card spot in the inferior AFC…but it’s the Browns so don’t hold your breath. Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State.
7. Arizona Cardinals – Reports are that Kevin Kolb will take a pay cut and the Cardinals are interested in bringing in Matt Cassell to compete for the job…Are you done laughing yet? Seriously…stop laughing. Okay, now I’m laughing. Tears of joy are pouring out of my eyes. I haven’t laughed this hard since “The Butt Fumble”. Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia.
8. Buffalo Bills – The Bills get the most explosive receiver in the draft to pair next to Stevie Johnson. Only problem is Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing them the ball. Cordarelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee.
9. New York Jets – The Jets need a pass rusher. Oh, they also need a QB, RB, OL, WR’s, TE, DL, LB, S and a probably a new Head Coach. So….Championship! Jarvis Jones, DE/OLB, Georgia.
10. Tennessee Titans – One of the best players in the draft, but a heart condition will have him drop to #10 and be a steal for the Titans who know how to develop linemen. Now if only he could teach Jake Locker to throw to his team. Star Lotuleilei, DT, Utah
11. San Diego Chargers – Steal of the draft? Last year the Chargers were innovators. They decided to just use two offensive linemen the whole year. Oops, they actually put a whole offensive line out there? Yikes. Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan.
12. Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins are going to spend a bunch of money to put talent around Ryan Tannehill although he’s got a pretty good eye for talent. Knowing the Dolphins they will overpay to resign Jake Long. If not – Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Seriously, why is Buccaneer so hard to spell? 2 c’s and 2 e’s but only 1 n? C’mon, they should just be called the Pirates so I can freaking spell it right the first time. Thank God for spellcheck. Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida State.
14. Carolina Panthers – The Panthers secondary is not very good so they grab the best safety in the draft. I still think Cam Newton should play Safety. Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas.
15. New Orleans Saints – The Saints were the worst defensive team in the NFL by like 9 football fields last year. Mr. Banks should help. Wait, is this Carlton Banks’ son? The Saints will now break down their huddle doing “The Carlton”. Johnthan Banks, CB, Mississippi St.
16. St. Louis Rams – The Rams are probably going to lose Danny Amendola, so they replace him with the best slot receiver in the draft. Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers are old and over the cap. They need to get younger every where. They start at pass rush after cutting James Harrison. Damontre Moore, DE/OLB, Texas A&M.
18. Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys wanted to draft a Sports Psychologist here so they can hypnotize Tony Romo into throwing to his own team. Alas, they didn’t want to reach. Chance Warmack, OG, Alabama.
19. New York Giants – The Giants try to bounce back off a disappointing season and they do wonders bringing in new defensive line help. Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri.
20. Chicago Bears – The Bears can’t block anyone. DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama
21. Cincinnati Bengals – Cinci comes in second place on hard words to spell in the NFL. I could’ve sworn there were two T’s! The Bengals need a corner opposite Leon Hall. Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington.
22. St. Louis Rams (via Washington) – The Rams second first round pick is a good one. Getting arguably the best OG in the draft. The NFC West is gonna be so good for the next 10 years. My heart cannot take this. Jonathan Cooper, OG, North Carolina.
23. Minnesota Vikings – After trading one of the most dynamic and head scratching talents in the NFL, Percy Harvin. The Vikes starting WR are currently Jarius Wright, Greg Childs, and D’Vinegar Heffington. I made up one of those names and it was so fun! Keenan Allen, WR, California.
24. Indianapolis Colts – The Colts can’t get in a shootout every game although it worked out last year for Andrew Luck and Indy. Barkevious Mingo, DE/OLB, LSU.
25. Minnesota Vikings (via Seattle) – Minnesota this is where I say how much I despise you right now. You made out pretty good in the Percy Harvin trade, but why you gotta trade him to the Seahawks? The best up-and-coming rivalry in the NFL is getting ridiculous. Time to start drinking. Johnathan Hankins, DT, Ohio State.
26. Green Bay Packers – The Packers never recovered from losing Safety Nick Collins to a neck injury. They draft the second best safety in the class. Now Golden Tate has a new Packer he can catch to win a game. Matt Elam, S, Florida.
27. Houston Texans – Versatility in the NFL is one of the most important factors. The Texans get a corner that can convert into a safety just in case they lose Glover Quinn. David Amerson, CB/S, North Carolina State.
28. Denver Broncos – A potential top 10 pick before a season ending injury. Could be one of the best pass rushers in the draft. Tank Carradine, DE, Florida State.
29. New England Patriots – It’s no secret the Patriots love tight ends. They love them so much that on their 53 man roster they’d have 52 TE’s and Tom Brady if they had their druthers. Tom Brady loves TE’s so much he’d give his own UGGs to them. Lucky bastards! Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame.
30. Atlanta Falcons – I assume the Falcons will sign RB Stephen Jackson and if Tony Gonzalez doesn’t return then the TE position is their biggest need. The Patriots find out that the Falcons are interested and offer every pick for him. Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford.
31. San Francisco 49ers – The 49ers will have 15 picks (!) in this draft and have a roster that allows like 6 players to make it. So….trade up is probably going to happen. Everyone thinks that the secondary is the weakness, but the pass rush is what hurt them in the playoffs. Datone Jones, DE, UCLA.
[UPDATE: The 49ers just traded for Anquan Boldin for a 6th round pick. I am giddy…in the pants]
32. Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens have a big whole in the middle of their defense after the cheater and alleged murderer, Ray Lewis retired. Think I’m bitter much? Alec Ogletree, ILB, Georgia.
Have any questions, gripes, criticism? Well then write your own damn Mock Draft!
– Lance Cartelli