Alison Brie – My Number One Stunna

Ever since that awkward puberty stage in a young man’s life where your voice is cracking, you start sweating in weird places, you’re now noticing girls and getting random boners in Math Class — don’t worry 12 year-olds of the world, we’ve been there — there is always one question that will be asked until the end of all eternity – “Who is your #1 girl?”, “Whose your dream girl?”, “If you were stuck on a sexy topless island with one person, who would it be with?”.  The answer to each one of those questions is simple – Alison Brie.  For years, it’s been a game of Musical Chairs for my #1 Stunna. It all started with an innocent Britney Spears after her first hit single, “Baby One More Time” (That schoolgirl look).  Others include: Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis, Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Alba, etc.  It’s a long list of HNNNGGGGs, but now that I’m older and more mature – it’s no longer 99% looks and 1% personality.  Personality has to have its fun in the sun, so with this new found maturity, I had an epiphany.  Alison Brie is perfect. If this was an episode of Friends, I would be Ross and my list would be #1 Alison Brie and I would laminate the shit out of that**, Sorry Mila. Why, you ask?  Well let me break it down for you fools. 

**Do people still laminate things? It was all the rage back in elementary school.  I haven’t done my research on the laminated paper business, but you have to assume that is one of the hardest hit by the economy, ya know? Poor Mom & Pop lamination stores!**

First, for you novices to the Alison Brie game, she looks like this:


Perfect, I know.

She was born into this world from, presumably, great genes as Alison Brie Schermerhorn.  Strong Jewish name, but that’s okay AB, that last name will soon be Cartelli.

While in high school, Alison would perform as a clown for kids’ birthday parties and her clown name was Sunny.  I am a little conflicted with this history in her life.  If I was making another laminated list of “The Scariest Things in the Freakin’ World” clowns would be on that list.  Arguably in the top-3. I can’t think of one positive memory that included clowns, not even any dreams.  I do appreciate the fact that her name tried to rebuke the scariness of Clowning and it’s honest because she does bring sunshine into my life. We all have our weird high school times, maybe even some things we regret in our past.  Love is compromise, so I’ll give her a pass on this one.

Am I losing you?  Here’s a picture of Alison Cartelli Brie, in lingerie, with another girl.


She’s on one of the best shows on television, Community, where she plays Annie. AND THERE’S A MONKEY NAMED AFTER HER BOOBS! You guessed it, the monkey’s name is Annie’s Boobs.

B-T-Dub, there’s a Tumblr dedicated just to her boobs. You’re welcome, perverts. This is more than just looks remember that!

A-Money (my adorable nickname for her) has made the list of “100 Most Beautiful Famous Faces in the World,” compiled by TC Candler, in each of the last four years, ranking 18th (2009), 5th (2010), 40th (2011), and 26th (2012). You know what, TC Chandler? Your list is bullshit.  On Casually Ginger’s 1 Most Beautiful Alison Brie’s she ranks #1.  Every year. Even Leap Year.  Who the hell does TC Chandler think he is? He doesn’t even warrant a Google search out of me.

Here’s Alison Brie eating ice cream.  If only it were Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked.



Now, I know what you all are thinking – “Yeah, she’s great, but what makes her perfect?”.  Your question is premature, my friends.

Not only can someone as talented as Ms. Brie act, she can also sing. She is the lead singer of a cover band called, “The Girls”.  Great name, she probably thought of it herself.

She’s singing a cover of Childish Gambino’s These Girls.  The most perfect girl sings the songs of one of my favorite rappers?  My God.

Oh yeah, she freestyle raps too.

She’s like the female Drake.  The (better) Female Drake. The similarities are uncanny. She sings. She raps.  She’s Jewish. They both act. The differences: She’s from America, take that Canada! She’s never played a guy in a wheelchair, but she was in Lizzy McGuire.  Lizzie McGuire > Degrassi.

I can’t wait for Alison “The Female Drake” Brie to drop an album where she sings and raps.  Take that Drizzy, OVOXO.

– Lance Cartelli

Posted on March 13, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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