Tiger Woods Makes It Facebook Official
Tiger Woods is in the news again today because of another blonde woman. No, it’s not what you’re thinking, this time Tiger is in the news to announce he is “Facebook Official” with Olympian Lindsey Vonn. He’s so Facebook Official (henceforth known as “FBO”) that he posted photos to his Facebook confirming their Facebook Official-ness.
Tiger tweeted that he Facebooked pictures of them? Does anyone know if he Instagrammed it too?! I’m so happy that over 1600 people also are happy that Tiger has found his one true Blonde Facebook Love.
**Now, to those that don’t understand how being FBO works, let me drop some knowledge. When you meet that special someone that catches your eye and after you get that whole awkward first sexual experience out of the way you may start dating this apple of your eye. If the dating goes well for at least three months (The Three-Month Rule) someone has to make a decision — fight or flight, sink or swim — at the end of those three-months if you stay committed it must be turned into a FBO. Going against these rules means almost certain demise of your once loving relationship.
By the way, FBO applies to everything. You are a stranger or an acquaintance to me unless we are officially Facebook friends. Marriage, you ask? Not real until it’s on the FB. I recently was a groomsmen at a wedding – they said their vows, they said “I do”, they kissed, we celebrated, we drank a lot, but it’s not real until it’s on Facebook. Or if you get my name tatted on you so I know it’s real.**
He even gave them their own album! Do not take this lightly, folks.
Let’s examine that quote for a quick second. He doesn’t even start with how happy he is that he met this wonderful, athletic, attractive blonde woman who, in turn, doesn’t care that he is a recovering nymphomaniac (is it worth recovering from?). He begins with how he has won those two tournaments at Torrey Pines and Doral. Just think if he actually won a major, poor Lindsey wouldn’t even be apart of that paragraph, she’d probably be in the fine print and Tiger would dedicate a whole album on Facebook to him cuddling with his trophy. I can’t wait to see Tiger in his green jacket making out with the Masters Trophy. Sorry Linds!
Following a quick skim of the old high school glamour shots that Liger or TiVo took, I found this gem. Look how happy they are, Tiger loves his blonde women, Lindsey apparently has Jungle Fever. But why are they not looking at the camera? Is there a second camera man? What do they need TWO cameramen for? What does this second camera man do exactly? I want to see what he’s got, probably a lot better than these pictures.
We cannot underestimate the impact this has on Facebook as well. Facebook has been a dying breed and this is the biggest thing to happen to FB since The Social Network. Mark Zuckerberg is so thrilled he’s thinking about screwing over everyone in the company and giving all of FB stock to Eldrick “Tiger” Woods. We can also cross Tiger’s name off the potential Catfish list.
Selfishly, I am ecstatic that Tiger is back to his winning ways on the course and off, there is one thing in common when he is at his best. Blonde women. Tiger is back on that #BlondeBandwagon and he’s winning. Tiger has an insatiable thirst for two things: Winning and Blondes. And he is back with both. Thank God because it has been too long.
– Lance Cartelli