NFL Draft Cootie List
Today begins one of the best sports weeks of the year, NFL Draft Week! It should be a national holiday, we should all have the week off of work to put our finishing touches on our draft boards, pick out the right finger foods for our draft day parties, and select our draft day crushes – those young men that older men salivate to have on their team. Trust me we all do it. Now, it’s always fun to pick your draft crushes and to get really pissed off when you, as the Couch General Manager, don’t get the player you’ve been wanting since you saw him dominate in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl or was it the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl? Either way, you’re mad. But did your team select the exact opposite of your Draft Day Man Crush? The one player you did not want your team to select, the player that was dominated in all the YouTube video research you did all offseason, your Draft Cootie!
The Draft Cootie List is something no fan should have to deal with, they have all the tell tale signs of being a bust. They have red flags whether it be injuries or off the field concerns. They’re like that person on a reality show that is just there to get really drunk. There main purpose is to get famous and eventually the inebriated loser gets the boot in that first episode. They bring all the requisite drama for a reality show, but are really ruining it for that one special person trying to find true love! Pretty much they are JaMarcus Russell (the ultimate Cootie).
If you are too old to know what Cooties are or you had a really bad experience in elementary school with said cooties, let me refresh that memory of yours and bring back some hurtful ones. Cooties are a highly contagious viral disease that is transmitted through the act of touching, or an airborne disease or through rumors from the dickhead bullies in elementary school. There is no cure and once you are afflicted by this disease will completely cockblock you and ruin your game. (Can you tell I’m bitter?). Cooties were pretty much the first STD that elementary kids had to deal with. In some cases, you are given Cooties because that significant other may be interested in you and are trying to deal with such new feelings. Which is directly related to our Draft Cootie List.
San Francisco 49ers Draft Day Cootie List:
For the sake of the 49ers Cootie list, I won’t add any players that are way out of position for the Niners to draft (Top 10) or positions that are not of need (OT, ILB, RB).
Keenan Allen: A talented wide receiver that played his college ball at the University of California. He would fill a position of need for the Niners at WR and he’d be close to home, but he’s got a lotta Cooties. First, he’s got a nagging knee injury that has been the talk of front offices around the league. He also failed a drug test. That’s a lotta cooties, I wouldn’t touch him in the first or second round.
Margus Hunt: Physically, he’s everything you would want in a 3-4 DE on a team desperate for more depth on the defensive line and looking for an eventual replacement of Justin Smith. He’s 6-8, 275-pounds and was a Discus and Shot Put thrower in Estonia. But he’s already 25 and he never really dominated at SMU. If he falls to the Niners second pick in the second round is the only time I’d consider drafting him.
Eric Reid: Former safety for LSU, Reid dominated two years ago in the SEC, but this past year was a disappointment. He’s only 5-10, which is short for a safety, especially in a league where the receivers are getting bigger and bigger, height is a big deal to talent evaluators. I’d rather have Jonathan Cyprien.
Who’s on your Draft Day Cootie List? Be safe my loyal readers!