Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Optimistic 2013 NFL Season Preview

Optimism. It’s a crazy thing. It gets people like you and me through the ups-and-downs of every day life. Some of us are more optimistic than the others. We’re optimistic that we’ll fall in love with our soul mate – if you believe that crap. Optimistic that one day that shit office job you’re working turns into the dream job you’ve always wanted. Whether any of that actually happens, it doesn’t matter the optimism gets us through it.

We tend to be really optimistic when it comes to sports. Specifically, our own sports teams. That’s the beauty of the beginning of the season; every team has the same chance as the other. Every team has the hopes and aspirations of winning a Super Bowl, unless you’re the Raiders.

I’m the optimistic type. I’ll meet that special girl in slow motion at a bookstore, even though, I haven’t set foot in a bookstore since N-Sync was still together. Now that they are back, I guess it’s time for me to re-enter Barnes & Noble. But, I digress. I love being the optimist, there’s no point in looking at life through any other lens.

With that being said, I look at all 32 teams through the Optimist filter on Instagram.

Arizona Cardinals:  Finally the Arizona Cardinals sign a quarterback that isn’t colorblind and knows how to throw to his own team. Larry Fitzgerald lights up defenses like Kurt Warner is back in the packet slingin’ the pigskin. Every other quarterback in the NFC West is out for all seventeen weeks and the Cardinals win the division.

Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons replaced Jabba the Hut, I mean Michael Turner with a less-slow and not quite as washed up Steven Jackson to improve their running game.

Baltimore Ravens: Ray Lewis is so inspired by only God knows what as he drunkenly runs onto the field during pre-game warm ups to do his dance. The Ravens team is so overcome with emotions they decide to change their team name to the Baltimore Ray Lewis’. That isn’t enough for Ray Lewis and the Ray Lewis’ so they decide to change the city name of Baltimore to Ray Lewis. The Ray Lewis Ray Lewis’ do a bunch of Deer Antler Spray, yell everyone’s ear off and the rest of the NFL forfeits because they decide to join the Ray Lewis Ray Lewis’. So, no, concussions don’t end football. Ray Lewis ends football.

Buffalo Bills:  EJ Manuel duplicates the success of the other dual-threat QBs like RGIII, Colin Kaepernick and Russell Wilson. The Bills turn into a read-option only team of Manuel and C.J. Spiller. I become very excited that I drafted Spiller in my fantasy team and find an atlas (they still make those right?) and try to find Buffalo on a map. Alas, I give up when I look outside and realize no one cares where Buffalo is.

Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton is no longer the forgotten man when it comes to dual-threat QBs and continues his hot streak from the end of last year. But, everyone questions why ‘Superman’ would be in North Carolina.

Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler finally hires a body language coach, so he doesn’t look like a depressed stoner every time he throws an interception or gets sacked leading to us ask: why he is so happy that he just got sacked seven times in one game.When+I+see+posts+in+this+channel.+Yeah+Mr.White+Yeah_c88b2f_3953846

Cincinnati Bengals: The Red B.B. Gun turns into the Red Rifle and leads the Bengals to the AFC Championship game, while scientists prove that Gingers do, in fact, have souls.

Cleveland Browns: Norv Turner develops second-year quarterback and AARP member Brandon Weeden into a successful QB only to retire the next year because he’s an old fart.

Dallas Cowboys:  Every year we hear the same thing from Cowboys fans: This is the year. Tony Romo and the Cowboys found their “secret sauce”. Dez Bryant finally wears his pants around his waist and will become the greatest receiver to ever put on the star.  Benjamin Button Jerry Jones’ ’40-year-old’ brain’ works wonders and every shrewd move they made in the offseason works. Like trading away a defensive lineman when their best lineman is out for the first six weeks, or trading back in the first round to take a Center that could’ve been available in the third round. Cowboys fans are always the most optimistic fans except maybe the Chargers fans “WE’RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!”. Which makes reality even sweeter, when the ‘Boys give their ‘fans’ scattered all across the nation hope and then kill their dreams week 17 ever year.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos get an exemption from the league allowing two footballs to be played at once, allowing QB Peyton Manning to evenly distribute the ball to all his talented receivers. Let’s just hope with twice as many balls (hehe) that Peyton doesn’t throw against his body in the playoffs again.

Detroit Lions – Detroit throws the ball about 700 times and the bionic arm of Matthew Stafford somehow doesn’t fall off. The Lions only have three in-season arrests and Reggie Bush is the back that everyone envisioned him to be coming out of the league. Ndomakong Suh only gets 17 personal foul flags and steps on approximately three groins. I’d say that’s pretty optimistic.

Green Bay Packers– 90% of the Packers fans realize that Green Bay isn’t a made up city like Des Moines ClayMatthewsSpin(you can’t fool me Iowa!) and is in Wisconsin. Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Braun fight in a steel cage match and Clay Matthews and the defense figure out who finally has the ball on a read-option play.

Houston Texans: The Texans hold off the Colts in the AFC South only to lose in the first game of the playoffs, like usual. The Texans manage to hold the attention of the fat city of Houston until Dwight Howard and the Rockets start playing in October.

Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck succeeds Eli Manning as the quarterback that looks like he breathes through his mouth the most and enjoys quantum physics, yet throws dimes as he leads one of my three fantasy teams to the Championship.

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars decide to sign Tim Tebow to be the team’s mascot and combs Blaine Gabbert’s hair to create the greatest GIF in the history of mankind. Just kidding. 

Kansas City Chiefs:  Alex Smith realizes what a wide receiver is and that they are actually there to help Alex and then, in a moment of triumph he has an epiphany to let loose and throw them the ball, it’s amazing. Andy Reid suffers amnesia and learns that running the ball is a good thing.

Miami Dolphins: The Miami Dolphins sign LeBron James to play tight end and E! gives LeBron and Ryan Tannehill a reality show where we can see a lot more of Mrs. Tannehill.

Minnesotta Vikings: The Vikings bench Christian Ponder and put in an extra offensive lineman to run a full-time Wildcat offense. Adrian Peterson runs for a plethora of yards while breaking his leg, tearing both his ACL’s and laughing it off while eating Nutella.

New England Patriots: The Patriots get hooked up with Aaron Hernandez’s PCP dealer and Bill Belichick gets super high and tie-dye’s his cut off sweatshirt starting a new fad for old boring hippies.

New Orleans Saints: The Saints put a reverse bounty on actually trying to stop a team on third down. Rob Ryan eats the whole city of New Orleans.

New York Jets: Nothing can be worse than the butt fumble right? UNLESS THERE’S THE TWERK FUMBLE! 1209135_588172444562781_644352947_n

Oakland Raiders: …

…Wow, this is tough. Hm… Maybe Terrelle Pryor can… Nope, sorry. What if Darren McFadden is healthy and he can…Damn, not that either. I guess maybe playing Teddy Bridgewater and JaDeveon Clowney highlight videos instead of their games is the way to go this year.

Philadelphia Eagles: Chip Kelly’s offense works in spades. Michael Vick returns to his old-form and I don’t mean dog-fighting Vick. The Eagles run 127 plays a game and watch as defenders slowly collapse from dehydration. Chip Kelly runs onto the field and yells “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Pittsburgh Steelers: Head and Shoulders creates a shampoo that reverses the signs of aging allowing Troy Polamalu and the Steelers defense to be good again and Jerome Bettis chugs it and returns to the field so the Steelers can finally have some semblance of a running game again.

San Diego Chargers– Charger fans fill up three quarters of Qualcomm each weekend to see Ryan Mathews leap over the goal line for a touchdown and he doesn’t break his collarbone! Philip Rivers realizes that Vincent Jackson isn’t running deep routes as a Charger anymore and decides not to throw into triple-coverage on 2nd-and-one.. Manti Te’o gets a real life girlfriend and they kiss on the “Kiss Cam”, but everyone questions whether it was CGI from a Michael Bay movie.

San Francisco 49ers: Michael Crabtree flies to Germany to kick it with Kobe Bryant’s doctor, and they create an Achilles Tendon from the rainbows of Unicorn hugs and giggles. He and Kaepernick ride in on the majestic beast while ‘Kaepernicking’ and Jim Harbaugh shakes Pete Carroll’s hand so hard that all the adderall for the Seaderall Seahawks falls out from his pockets. Oh, and they finally win (another) the Super Bowl.

Seattle Seahawks– Tyrion Lannister — damn, I did it again — Russell Wilson continues to improve with all odds against him. Who would’ve thought a talented athlete that was drafted in the MLB and dominant in the NCAA could be so good?! Right ESPN?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tampa Bay becomes too hot and humid everyone travels to Revis Island and over populates the pristine land. Revis holds out and travels to Cuba where he knows no one will follow him. He befriends Elian Gonzalez.

Tennessee Titans: Chris Johnson decides that instead of racing a cheetah, he wants to actually score touchdowns. He’s back to being CJ2K and people forget that Jake Locker isn’t any good.

Washington Redskins: RGIII stays healthy and invites coach Mike Shanahan over for dinner with his family. Which he names “Operation: Wine and Dine the Old Orange Guy”…not as catchy as his rehab name. Honestly, who names their own rehab? I don’t walk around my house yelling “Operation: Don’t stub your toe after drinking a beer”. Hm…Maybe I should.

Just for the heck of it. My optimistic Super Bowl pick:

Indianapolis Colts vs. San Francisco 49ers

Follow Lance “The Red Mamba” Cartelli on Twitter! 

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