Category Archives: Basketball
Michael Jordan’s Flu Game. Jordan’s “Shrug” Game, Willis Reed’s injured ankle game, Magic Johnson’s Baby Hook. These are some of the greatest games in NBA Finals History. After last night, we have to add one more to the pantheon of the “Holy shnikies! We are watching history! Games”. The “No Headband Game”.
It was like Superman shed his suit and glasses** and donned a cape and instead those stupid glasses are equivalent to a headband that protects a certain hairline from being shown over and over on really high definition televisions. Wait…that doesn’t do it justice. It was really like when Steve Urkel from Family Matters decided he had to take drastic measures to win Laura’s heart. He invented “Cool Juice” and what resulted can only be described as television history. Stefan Urquelle. LeBron totally drank “Cool Juice” with about 9 minutes left in the game and became Stefan Urquelle.
**Quick Tangent: Clark Kent/Kal-El/Superman absolutely started the fake glasses trend that has maneuvered its way into pop culture with hipsters and NBA players. The only problem is NBA Players/Hipsters aka Plipsters. You aren’t hiding your identity! We totally know who you are. All Superman has to do is put on some generic reading glasses from CVS and BOOM. Clark Kent and everyone is fooled. It’s ridiculous.
LeBron pre-headband was having a pedestrian game, a game where people would question his ultimate legacy in another loss to the hands of the San Antonio Spurs. But no, headband off, “Cool Juice” chugged and voila, LeBron and company not only came back in epic fashion. They destroyed the smartest, most headstrong team in recent memory. This is Spurs team is a team that never shakes, never questions itself, always finishes off quarters and games, but on the biggest stage they folded. Manu Ginobili had a +/- of -21 and 8 turnovers. Kawhi Leonard couldn’t hit both free throws to make a two possession game. Parker took uncharacteristically bad shots.
They literally roped off floor with time left on the clock, the NBA even brought out the trophy. You cannot get any closer to destroying the fake dreams of the fake fans of Miami. They were leaving for South Beach so they could see Chris Brown & Drake fight again, I’m sure.
But no, we were privileged to see the best NBA Finals game since 1998 and Jordan’s game-winning shot against the Utah Jazz.
Stefan Urquelle LeBron James’ no headband did it. THAT HAS TO BE THE REASON.
How do the Spurs recover from this? Game 6 on the road against the best team in the NBA and they choked. How do they even show up for Game 7 after such heartbreak? If one team can do it, it is the Spurs.
But the real question is: Will LeBron be wearing a headband? Is this a new statement like when Jordan wore 45 or Kobe cut his afro and sported #24? Or is it LeBron’s superhero, his Superman, his Stefan Urquelle that only comes out when they need a Super Hero.
I loved Family Matters. It goes down as one of the greatest sitcoms of the ’90s. My friday nights were epic #TGIF. Boy Meets World, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Step by Step and Family Matters. How do you beat that? YOU ADD STEFAN URQUELLE.
LeBron, for the love of Basketball please rock the no headband and take what is rightfully yours. Your second NBA Title. The Laura to your Urkel.
– Lance Cartelli
It’s finally here, the NBA Finals! After an excruciatingly long playoffs that started in April and saw great series like the Miami Heat vs. Indiana Pacers, the rise of Steph Curry and the dominating backcourt that was Darius Morris and Andrew Goudelock of the Los Angeles Lakers (J/K), we finally made it. The two best teams in the NBA tip off in what should be the best NBA Finals in the past 10 years sans Lakers vs Celtics in 2010.
We could go over the X’s and O’s, the pick and rolls, the rotation help defense but that shit is boring. Let’s take a look at the real storylines of the 2013 NBA Finals:
LeBron James – LeBron is obviously the best player in this series and the world and he can and will take over games whenever he pleases. He’s like Will Smith, whenever he wants to come back and dominate the box office – he will. Oops, just saw the news about “After Earth”…I guess that’s what happens when you’re in a M. Night Shyamalan movie and your characters name is Cypher Raige. Guess I’ll have to come up with something else to name my first born son.
On the other side, Tony Parker is playing like the best point guard in the NBA and Tim Duncan had to have visited Germany to inject his whole body with what Kobe did for his knee. If Parker remains unguardable, the Heat are in for a long series. Duncan is a better matchup for Bosh than he was against Hibbert, but going up against the greatest power forward in the NBA is never an easy task.
Dwayne Wade & Chris Bosh – Let’s face it, LeBron is the only legitimate superstar on Miami now. I’m not saying that DWade and Bosh can’t be huge factors in this series – – they will be — but, if you had to rely solely on those guys then Wade wouldn’t be able to carry them like in ’06 and Bosh would bring you back to the days when he was a Raptor and looked like he was adopted out of Jurassic Park.
Manu Ginobli – Manu is a shell of his old self as well. He’s still a high-energy player that comes through whenever you need him. If Ginobli outplays Wade this series, the Spurs will win. The only problem is Ginobli is falling apart faster than Rob Stark’s peace offering in Game of Thrones. #RedWedding.
You know you’re a Spurs fan when…
- Your team always “plays the right way” since, apparently, they are the only ones in the NBA that actually do play the “right way”.
- You say, “It’s not boring basketball, it’s beautiful basketball”. If anyone ever says that they are a soccer fan. They are really into passes and not seeing a score. (BTW, the Spurs are definitely not boring, they are fun to watch…wait, what’s happening to me?!)
- You are the most annoying lady in the building. #SceamingSpursLady
You know you’re a Heat fan when…
- You became a fan in the past 3 years and call everyone a “hater” because they don’t like LeBron and the new Flo-Rida CD.
- You can’t point out Miami on a map.
- You’re a lady that flips off opposing teams and was once wanted for her husband’s murder.
- You look like this:
Gregg Popovich – Arguably the best active coach in the NBA and one of the greatest coaches of all-time and creator of the greatest sideline interviews. Ever.
I want to see Popovich on Christmas morning as a child. I bet he hated it.
Popovich can cement his legacy with a win over the Heat and it may be the end of his prolific career (Duncan’s as well).
Erik Spoelstra – Spoelstra is an underrated coach, if you can be one with four hall-of-famers on your team. He is only 42, has a championship under his belt, and has kept this team together through a lot of adversity. And he takes a shoulder bump like a champ. Out maneuvering and out-coaching Popovich might be an impossible task, but if he can match him and find ways for “The Others” to contribute, it will be his greatest achievement as a coach and cement his legacy as one of the best coaches in the NBA. No pressure, Spoel.
Red Mamba / Birdman –
I could write a whole 250 page manifesto on whether to love or hate Matt “Faux Red Mamba” Bonner. KOBE HOW COULD YOU?! One day, when Kobe and I become BFF4L and he reads my columns, he’s gonna totally regret that move then we’ll live happily ever after! But until then, I hate you, Matt Bonner. It also doesn’t help that announcers have latched on to this great nickname and call him it at every opportune moment. These NBA Finals are gonna force me to drink more than I actually do. Oh well.
The Birdman is scary. So scary that I picked him to be the #10 athlete I’d love to see chase down Beiber. But, like I said before I’m pretty sure they are best buds and that when this season is over Beiber will invite The Birdman into his entourage and have him featured on one of his songs. As Americans, we can only hope that Birdman the Rapper is featured as well and they have a rap battle. Mind = Blown. That would probably go down as the worst song ever made and it’d probably win a Grammy.
This series is tough to predict. I usually go with the best player in the world, but the Spurs are a different beast. LeBron will put up his points, but after a week and half off and the greatest coach in the NBA has that much time to prepare for an opponent, he will shut down “The Others” and the Spurs will take this series and solidify some of the greatest careers in NBA history.
Even if you aren’t a fan of these teams, this series has a chance to be epic and will be a joy to watch the two best teams faceoff.
SPURS IN 6.
In case you were to enthralled with Justin Beiber doing an Amanda Bynes impression** at the Miami Heat game on Monday, then you already know that the Heat decimated the Indiana Pacers and have advanced to the NBA Finals to take on the wily vets, the San Antonio Spurs.
**Best celebrity couple ever? (If you can still call Amanda Bynes a celebrity). What would their celebrity nickname be? I love these things: Jamanda Byber? Amastin Beibynes? Jumandin Bebyners? Jumanji, for short?! The possibilities are endless! I must make an iPhone app that does this for me.**
ESPN posted that great video from illustrator Richard Swarbrick. Now, I don’t know this illustrator from any other illustrator, but clearly he has an appreciation for the history of Basketball. From Willis Reed playing on his hurt ankle to Michael Jordan celebrating his six championships and the most famous layup of all time to Magic Johnson’s skyhook. I would buy posters for every single one of those images, but the one image that stood out among the rest – LeBron’s cramps.
Swarbrick, you crazy son of a gun, you illustrate some of the most historic and glorious moments in NBA History and then give a little backhand to Bron Bron? Is he a Cavs fan? Did he hate the decision as much as the rest of the world? Or he hates male baldness? Maybe he doesn’t like that LeBron is being compared to Jordan. Whatever it is, it’s hilarious. When his artwork for this inevitably comes out I shall frame LeBron writhing in pain.
No homo, No offense, Bron Bron.
My only question: Where was the iconic Paul Pierce getting wheelchair-ed off the court from the NBA Finals against the Lakers?
Other than the one LOL moment from the video, it’s pretty awesome. But, seriously can we get Beibs and Bynes to date already? She might throw her bong at him though.
Justin Beiber is under investigation after allegedly speeding through a gated community in LA in his white ferrari. The cops aren’t the only ones interested in Beiber’s activities, former football player Keyshawn Johnson followed Beiber to his house to confront him on his reckless driving, but Beiber danced his way into his house without talking to Johnson.
Keyshawn was a prolific receiver, but he wasn’t fast back in his prime so there’s no way he could chase after the Beibs these days. But I can think of at least 10 athletes today that can stop the Beibs today and make everyone regret being a Belieber.
10. Chris “Birdman” Andersen – The “Birdman” as some affectionately call him is a big man that has journeyed around the league and is now a key contributor to the Miami Heat. The tattoo aficionado terrifies me, but I think if he ended up chasing after Beiber he’d fit right in on his entourage and might even be featured on J. Beib’s new single.
9. LeBron James – LeBron is one scary man. So scary that his hair is running away from his face! Ha! I kid. Bron Bron has been seen by many in their rearview as he comes gliding across the court to swat an attempted lay up, just think what he could do to Beiber and his ferrari.
8. Justin Smith – The San Francisco 49ers’ defensive lineman known as “The Cowboy”. He intimidates 300-pound offensive lineman and shoves them like a rag doll, so what could if Beiber was speeding through his ranch? Probably this.
7. Kevin Garnett – Garnett is a big man that has guarded the paint for over 18 years and Beiber has been alive, like 18 years. Plus Kevin Garnett is 7 feet tall and yells obscenities all the time, that would hurt poor Beiber’s virgin ears.
6. Patrick Willis – Willis is the leader of the 49ers defense and the heir apparent to Ray Lewis as big middle linebacker that will destroy you. His hobbies include long walks on the beach with his dog, Zeus and destroying wide receivers that like to go over the middle. Be careful Justin!
5. J.J. Watt – Watt is arguably the best defensive player in the NFL and was awarded the Defensive Player of the Year award in just his second season. He loves going after the quarterback, come to to think of it, Beiber has the same facial features as Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo. They should both be careful.
4. Mike Tyson – I know he’s not a current athlete, but Mike Tyson is still one of the scariest men on Planet Earth. If someone told me Metta World Peace’s dad was Mike Tyson you wouldn’t hear an argument out of me. I don’t know whether Tyson would destroy Beiber or hug him like he’s his long lost white child, actually I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. Tyson and Beiber have to be BFFs.
3. Jon “Bones” Jones – Arguably the best fighter in the UFC, Jon “Bones” Jones is one of the most dangerous athletes in all of sports. Bones Jones would hit Beiber with a spinning elbow faster than Beiber could sing “Baby, baby, baby”.
2. Brock Lesnar – Lesnar is a former WWE and UFC Champion that had stints in the NFL. I don’t know where he is now, but I’m sure whatever it is he’s breaking someones bones. Lesnar will make you think that there is alien life, he is not built like a human should be with muscle on top of muscle. I still think he should’ve been the bad guy in “Fast and Furious 6″. Oh well, there’s always a sequel.
1. Metta World Peace – The artist formerly known as Artest, World Peace is a psycho who likes to thank his psychiatrist after winning NBA Championships. That is the last man I would want chasing after me. Justin, World Peace is Coming After You! Oh damn, I just gave Beiber the new title to his CD.
In case you’ve been living under a rock the past couple months, Kobe Bryant has taken up social media in an unprecedented way. After rupturing his achilles tendon, Kobe has embraced the 21st century and has quickly ascended my Power Rankings of Favorite Tweeters and Instagrammers. Congrats Mamba, you’re my number one!
Recently, he’s been giving updates on his rehab as he tries to prove his haters wrong and comeback from his most devastating injury of his career. But Kobe crossed a line this past week. A social media line, that is usually reserved for the creepy people on the internet not named Kobe. He Instagrammed a picture of his achilles surgery and it was the most disgusting picture I’ve seen since Kevin Ware’s broken leg made its way on the interwebs.
At least he’s got the #hashtagging down. #Graphic is an understatement, Kobes.
While perusing my Instagram and eating lunch, this popped up. So, after I puked profusely and woke up from my Instagram induced blackout (I didn’t faint! I swear!) I thought we should set a couple guidelines for celebrities and their Instagram’s.
Do post #selfies of yourself. Honestly, if you’re a celebrity that means you’re probably pretty damn attractive. As much as I hate #selfies, if you’re good looking I won’t complain. Unless you post an inspirational quote as the caption to your selfie, then I will pray for your soul.
Do post pictures of you with other celebrities. Do I want to know if you’re out partying with Lindsay Lohan, Dennis Rodman and Charlie Sheen? Hell yes I do. That would be a fun game of Marry, F*ck, Kill*
*Marry: Charlie Sheen because you know he’d at least keep it interesting. F*ck: Lindsay Lohan, well she’s a girl, I’m a guy, it’s physics. Kill: Dennis Rodman, no explanation needed.
Do post behind the scenes looks at your prolific life. If you’re an actor, take some pictures that will give us an inside look on your new movie that I will probably download. If you’re an athlete, take a picture of your teammate passed out on the plane ride. We eat that shit up.
Don’t post gruesome pictures of your injuries! It is disgusting and will make the collective nation sick. We get it, Kobe, you’re a warrior, you play through injuries and you speak your mind. But, please spare me seeing the insides of your body. It just ain’t right.
Don’t tweet out a picture of your instagram that you Facebook’d. That is confusing and annoying and I will probably hate you.
Don’t like pictures that people have tweeted just of you. You’re a celebrity, so I’m sure you’re naive and need the attention, but just do a Google image search of you and bask in the glory that is yourself.
I don’t have to tell you how amazing March Madness really is, but I will anyways. It is the greatest playoff system in sports. Easily. No doubt about it. Where else can you root for a school you’ve never heard of beat a team that you hear entirely too much about? We’re Americans, we love underdogs. There was a time when we were the underdogs, alas we are far from that now, but we see a little bit of us in every mid-major school that has a ton of
white boys less than stellar athletes that will never play in the NBA and when these non-athletic players demolish the dreams of the McDonald’s All-Americans, we eat that shit up. Now, if only another college sport had been smart enough to implement this, but I digress.
The latest team to take over March Madness and captivate the millions…and millions of March Madness fans is none other than the FGCU Eagles. No, that is not a random assortment of cool looking letters in the English alphabet. It’s actually Florida Gulf Coast University. More importantly, they have reached a very special someone, someone that is void of having a team in the March Madness race, a man that can reach literally dozens of people through the internet and social medias. That man is now the conductor of the FGCU Bandwagon, that man, is of course me! (or this column would suck). Call me Conductor Cartelli of the Fly Like an Eagle Bandwagon!
As I watched the FGCU Fly Like an Eagle all over Georgetown, I was angry. Not only did I lose a Final Four team, I lost it to a 15 seed that I’ve never heard of, thankfully according to their name I assumed they were on the Gulf Coast. I’m definitely smarter than Siri. My anger didn’t last long, how can you hate a 15 seed upsetting a 2 seed? And they did it in amusing fashion. They were flying all over the place. They were even coined “Dunk City”. DUNK FREAKIN’ CITY! What a great name, I bet you $5 in Monopoly money that Blake Griffin is sitting in his Kia thinking, “Why didn’t I come up with that? Lob City is child’s play compared to DUNK CITY?!”. Blake, you are correct.
Since I crowned myself the Conductor of this Bandwagon, I had to learn more of this majestic place. FGCU was established in 1991! That makes me 4 years older then the school. They just turned 21, I hope they are enjoying an ice cold one after these sweet victories. According to ESPN, they are the only team to be undefeated in the NCAA Tournament! That means that 32 teams have lost more tournament games this weekend then FGCU has. Ever. FGCU motto happens to be – “Truth, Knowledge, Wisdom”. This tournament they are dropping some major knowledge and blessing us with some wisdom, because they are the truth.
OH YEAH, THEY DANCE LIKE THIS:
POLO. SHIRT. GUY. THOUGH.
You know who FGCU’s second biggest fan behind me is? SEAL. Want proof? You got it.
Seal dedicated his 1997 hit song, “Fly Like an Eagle”, from the second greatest movie soundtrack of all-time*, Space Jam to FGCU. I should have seen the signs sooner, when Seal is dedicating songs to you and you dance like Polo Shirt Guy, how can you lose? They are no longer a 15 seed, they are THE Seed.
**1. Garden State**
Now that they are in the Sweet 16 and take on in-state rival, the Florida Gators aka The Monstars, they have all the confidence in the world. When those lights dim and the FGCU Anthem hits…”Fly like an eagle and let my spirit carry me…”, that spirit will have them soaring above their competitors.
#FlyLikeAnEagle FGCU, fly, fly.
– Lance Cartelli
In case you missed the awful NBA All-Star Saturday Night, you didn’t miss much other than missed dunks in the Slam Dunk Contest, but you did miss a betrayal for the ages. In an effort to get San Antonio Spurs Forward Matt Bonner into the Three-Point Contest, Kobe Bryant bequeathed the nickname the “Red Mamba” to him. Needless to say I was heartbroken.
Let’s go over the facts: Kobe Bryant is my second favorite basketball player of all-time behind Michael Jordan. The Lakers are my favorite team. I have red hair. Those three factors alone put me on the short list for greatest nickname ever, “The Red Mamba”.
Not only did Matt Bonner — whose name is really close to being Matt Boner — get the greatest nickname on Planet Earth and probably the Milky Way Galaxy, but he also got a shirt of a Red Mamba in attack mode?!
That is my shirt. I understand your mistake Kobe, so I’ll take that shirt in Men’s Large, does it come as a tall tee? I am ready to terrify the little kid that was jumped over in the Slam Dunk Contest.
Now after being bestowed the “Red Mamba” nickname and an equally awesome and horrifying shirt, the Red Mamba has to run away with the Three-Point Contest, right? There’s no way the Red Mamba could lose!
At this point, I was torn. Do I root for Mr. Red Mamba even though he stole my rightful name? Us Gingers do have to stick together, you know. Or…has this man become my mortal enemy — the Joker to my Batman, the receding hairline to my LeBron James — and I must destroy him to regain what is rightfully mine? I decide to go with the former seeing as he’s a big, white guy with red hair, he’s just too damn lovable. Damn you Bonner!
The Red Mamba comes out nailing everything. Maybe Kobe was right. Bonner advances to the finals against Kyrie Irving.
Unfortunately, being tall and white and a Ginger caught up to big Bonner in the Finals where he ran into the buzz-saw that is Kyrie Irving.
The Red Mamba loses, which gets me thinking – I lose all the time. I could’ve lost at the Three-Point Contest, I could lose a lot of things for the right to be called the Red Mamba by Kobe Bean Bryant. Lance “Second Place” Cartelli doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Therefore, the twitter campaign #Lance4RedMamba begins, it shall be trending in no time.
At least Kobe still has his back right? The guy that created the nickname and started the campaign to get Matt Bonner into the Three-Point Contest wouldn’t just turn his back on him would he? Never turn your back on a Mamba!
After being stabbed in the back by Kobe, I doubt Mr. Bonner wants to keep this nickname that is tainted by the 2013 NBA Three-Point Contest. Which means the reign of Lance “Red Mamba” Cartelli is in full affect. Hopefully the power doesn’t go to my head and I become Joffrey from Game of Thrones.
I had to do more research on this Red Mamba. Like a Method Actor, I had to do more research to get into the role of a lifetime.
First, a Google search. The seventh thing on the list is a movie called “The Red Mamba” made in 2002. I don’t even need to read the plot summary I know that this will be the best movie ever made (sorry, Highlander) and that if there is a God, it will be streaming on Netflix. But, I get sucked into the IMDb page. A movie written and directed by James Jackson – whose other credits include: Actor – Aliens vs. A-Holes and he was also a Cinematographer for Blood, Guts, and Cleaning Supplies: The Making of “The Janitor” – well, that’s two more movies on my Netflix queue. Still perusing around the IMDb page, I get to the plot summary and it is everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
A bright sunny day in the deep wilderness fades to black for Oz and Lucy, two teens on a quest for a magical sex drug which grows wild in a mythical mushroom field known as Cloud 9. Oz assures her that the story about a man who claims to have seen a caveman in the woods was either a delusion caused from his eating a similar but poisonous variety of the sex drug known as the “Red Mamba”, or more likely a spook story to keep poachers clear of the treasured fungus in Cloud 9… Or is it?
Why did Christopher Nolan not write and direct this? There’s always the sequel. I am available, by the way.
Unfortunately, there are no reviews or even any message board comments. How can this be true? But, from eight satisfied patrons it is rated 8.4 which would effectively put it as the 50th greatest movie of all-time according to IMDb. I’m sold.
But I digress, I finally return to my Google search to realize there is no Wikipedia page for the Red Mamba and that it doesn’t even exist! Time to genetically mate a Black Mamba with a Ladybug to create the #REDMAMBA.
Kobe – I know you will read this and I just want you to know I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.
– Lance Cartelli
According to ESPN’s NFL Live on Feb 5th, the Ravens are the latest team to win the Super Bowl after facing the Philadelphia Eagles at their home opening game. The last three teams (Saints 09’, Packers 10’, Giants 11’) and the Ravens, all faced the Eagles at their home openers and all have won the Super Bowl.
One of the eight teams on this seasons home schedule for the Eagles is in fact the San Diego Chargers along with AFC West scheduled foe, the Kansas City Chiefs. So does that mean its all Chiefs and Chargers going into next season for the AFC West? Hey, four years in a row of this stat you can’t help to feel a little better after a disastrously below average season in 2012.
So when the schedule comes out later this year, pray for that home opener date versus the Eagles. Hopefully they don’t find a way to screw this one up.
Other News you don’t care about:
SDSU Men’s basketball drops out of the AP top 25 again after another loss to Air Force in Colorado Springs. Air Force all time is 3-78 against teams in the top 25 with two of those victories against State this year and last year. Aztecs need an option incase Xavier Thames can’t go because they seem average without him at Guard.
Lots of mock drafts for the San Diego Chargers have them picking OL, with Central Michigan’s OT Eric Fisher. Most of the time these drafts are wrong, but I already like the sign of an O-Lineman and they have to figure out a way to protect Rivers left side, period.
The San Diego Padres avoided arbitration with 3B silver-slugger award winner Chase Headley, signing to a one-year 8 Million deal. I’ve already got my countdown ready on how long he will be here until the summer trade deadline comes since obviously the Padres are never impressed with anything it seems. #WEWANTGIANCARLO
Before San Diego State Head Coach Steve Fisher arrived on the Mesa, Aztec basketball was the laughing stock of the Mountain West Conference. The year he arrived, he would have to pass out tickets to students personally just to get maybe a couple thousand at then Cox Arena. A few years later, there are about a handful more Mountain West and NCAA banners hanging in the rafters at Viejas Arena, otherwise known as the “Madhouse on the Mesa”.
You can thank Head Coach Steve Fisher for creating what once was a tradition-less program to a now a sold out 12,000 crowd each home game with a sea of red and black. Aztec Basketball is the new frontier of San Diego sports; you can’t go anywhere nowadays without hearing about the Aztecs in the local newspapers, TV and radio stations. Now does this have to do with the Chargers struggling of recent? Yes and no. Aztec basketball year-by-year has had more season ticket sales grow, even with the Marty/Norv short periods of success in Chargers football, Aztec basketball always got better instead of worse.
Recently, the Aztecs were coming off a two game losing streak to, under the radar power, Wyoming and rival UNLV Runnin’ Rebels. They beat up on the Nevada Wolf Pack in Reno, NV, 78-57 and stomped conference powerhouse New Mexico 55-34 forcing the Lobos to 17 turnovers and their lowest points in the shot-clock era.
OTHER LOCAL NEWS:
- Phil Mickelson has been in some heat with his comments about moving out of California due to high tax rates of the upper class with high incomes. He has since apologized, but for what? Golf is a rich sport after all.
- New Head Coach of the San Diego Chargers, Mike McCoy has retained Defensive Coordinator John Pagano and has hired a completely new staff for 2013. Former Special Teams coordinator Rich Bisaccia, with the team the last two years, is now considering taking the same position with the Dallas Cowboys after leaving for the University of Auburn for the same position.
– Ryan Pedersen
In case you were out with your imaginary girlfriend this week, here’s what happened in sports:
– In the most bizzarre sports news in years, Manti Te’o got Catfish-ed by a friend who created a (fake) dead girlfriend that did not actually exist and we all got #Te’o’d. Although she was fake, reports are that during her stint with (fake) leukemia she wore a “LIVESTRONG” bracelet to support Lance Armstrong. Apparently she never got the news. In addition, the sequel of Catfish is now in early development, and the working title is “Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen”. It is being directed by Michael Bay.
– Lance Armstrong finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) and being a bully while winning seven Tour de France titles in an interview with Oprah. Worried about his public image, Lance prayed to God to give his last nut for a “bigger story about a fake dead girlfriend that a superstar has never met so that his indiscretions become an afterthought”. After Manti Te’o’s story came out, he once again prayed to God, “You know I was joking, right?, YOU ALREADY TOOK MY GOOD TESTICLE!”. In other news, Lance Armstrong is privately funding Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen.
– Colin Kaepernick ran for a record 181 yards rushing while throwing for over 200 yards and accounting for four touchdowns in a win over the Green Bay Packers to advance the San Francisco 49ers into the NFC Championship game against the Atlanta Falcons. Kaepernick has lead to the new craze “Kaepernicking” where you kiss your tattoos after a touchdown. Other crazes include “Tebowing“, “Griffining” – where you lay on the ground writhing in pain because your field destroyed your knee. “Romo-ing” – where you throw an interception at the most crucial time in a game. “Manning-ing” – where you look like you breath out of your mouth and wonder how the hell this guy is a successful QB? and everyone’s favorite “Sanchezing” when a big butt gets in your way and you fumble the ball.
– The New York Jets are reportedly interested in signing potential free agent Michael Vick. The Jets seem to be interested in Vick because he combines everything the Jets love, a left-handed QB that loves to run but also takes a lot of sacks and turns the ball over. Vick is also contemplating changing his name to Mark Tebow or Tark Sanbow. Coincidentally, Tark Sanbow will be the fake love interest in Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen.
– Kobe Bryant was voted to his 15th All-Star game in his career. Kobe starting is a perfect fit for the Western Conference Team — a game where Kobe can shoot whenever he wants and people play little-to-no defense, sounds like the quintessential Laker team. Hopefully Kobe can bring Mike Brown and Mike D’Antoni to coach the team.
– Lance Cartelli