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George R.R. Martin once wrote “nothing burns like the cold,” and up until these last few weeks I had no idea what he was talking about. Of course things burn hotter than the cold. The oven, a fire, Miley Cyrus’ desire to twerk. They all burn like hot magma. That was until California turned to Winter after 11 months of cold-ish Summer, slightly colder Summer and, of course, Summer.
These have been dark days for us Californians. Mother Nature has played a cruel joke on us. In my 26 years as a resident of California*, my body has grown accustom to temperatures north of 70 degrees without a cloud in the sky. And now, 50 degrees and overcast? This truly is survival of the fittest.
I feel like I woke up in a bad movie. Like I’m in the straigh-to-DVD sequel to “The Grey.” Instead of being a bad ass Liam Neeson badassingly punching wolves in the throats while enduring sub-zero temperatures, I am braving the elements sans wolves. This story is scary enough we don’t need wolves to pile onto our already frozen temperatures. This is California for god sake.
*Other than the one month I lived in Yuma. That got weird, but that’s another story. Actually it’s really quick: Don’t live in Yuma. Ever.
Now I bet you’re asking yourselves, “Lance, why don’t you just turn on the heater?”
Well, 1) you’re a dick, and 2) I have tried.
With the heater not working, I can see my breath as I exhale in the comfort of my own home. Who can possibly live like this? I force myself into alcoholism in the name of being warm while dressing like a poor man’s Eskimo. That smile you see on my face? It’s not because I’m happy. I’m daydreaming about my next burning hot shower that will give me solace for a plethora of seconds.
Driving home from work, I spy a homeless person in 30-degree weather and I’m saddened. An even more shocking chill runs down my spine, what if that was me? I already can’t handle 50-degree temperatures in my apartment. With this newfound perspective on life, I immediately race past this homeless man into my heated car, to warm up of course. I sped home on a mission to unshackle myself from my Eskimo-like costume of two sweaters, a beanie, wool socks and my trusty beanie to sleep.
I write this as a cautionary tale, my friends. I now know what that crazy George R.R. Martin is saying. I hope none of you have to brave the bitter burning of the blistering cold. People (me) should not have to live like this. Thanks a lot, Al Gore.
Optimism. It’s a crazy thing. It gets people like you and me through the ups-and-downs of every day life. Some of us are more optimistic than the others. We’re optimistic that we’ll fall in love with our soul mate – if you believe that crap. Optimistic that one day that shit office job you’re working turns into the dream job you’ve always wanted. Whether any of that actually happens, it doesn’t matter the optimism gets us through it.
We tend to be really optimistic when it comes to sports. Specifically, our own sports teams. That’s the beauty of the beginning of the season; every team has the same chance as the other. Every team has the hopes and aspirations of winning a Super Bowl, unless you’re the Raiders.
I’m the optimistic type. I’ll meet that special girl in slow motion at a bookstore, even though, I haven’t set foot in a bookstore since N-Sync was still together. Now that they are back, I guess it’s time for me to re-enter Barnes & Noble. But, I digress. I love being the optimist, there’s no point in looking at life through any other lens.
With that being said, I look at all 32 teams through the Optimist filter on Instagram.
Arizona Cardinals: Finally the Arizona Cardinals sign a quarterback that isn’t colorblind and knows how to throw to his own team. Larry Fitzgerald lights up defenses like Kurt Warner is back in the packet slingin’ the pigskin. Every other quarterback in the NFC West is out for all seventeen weeks and the Cardinals win the division.
Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons replaced
Jabba the Hut, I mean Michael Turner with a less-slow and not quite as washed up Steven Jackson to improve their running game.
Baltimore Ravens: Ray Lewis is so inspired by only God knows what as he drunkenly runs onto the field during pre-game warm ups to do his dance. The Ravens team is so overcome with emotions they decide to change their team name to the Baltimore Ray Lewis’. That isn’t enough for Ray Lewis and the Ray Lewis’ so they decide to change the city name of Baltimore to Ray Lewis. The Ray Lewis Ray Lewis’ do a bunch of Deer Antler Spray, yell everyone’s ear off and the rest of the NFL forfeits because they decide to join the Ray Lewis Ray Lewis’. So, no, concussions don’t end football. Ray Lewis ends football.
Buffalo Bills: EJ Manuel duplicates the success of the other dual-threat QBs like RGIII, Colin Kaepernick and Russell Wilson. The Bills turn into a read-option only team of Manuel and C.J. Spiller. I become very excited that I drafted Spiller in my fantasy team and find an atlas (they still make those right?) and try to find Buffalo on a map. Alas, I give up when I look outside and realize no one cares where Buffalo is.
Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton is no longer the forgotten man when it comes to dual-threat QBs and continues his hot streak from the end of last year. But, everyone questions why ‘Superman’ would be in North Carolina.
Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler finally hires a body language coach, so he doesn’t look like a depressed stoner every time he throws an interception or gets sacked leading to us ask: why he is so happy that he just got sacked seven times in one game.
Cincinnati Bengals: The Red B.B. Gun turns into the Red Rifle and leads the Bengals to the AFC Championship game, while scientists prove that Gingers do, in fact, have souls.
Cleveland Browns: Norv Turner develops second-year quarterback and AARP member Brandon Weeden into a successful QB only to retire the next year because he’s an old fart.
Dallas Cowboys: Every year we hear the same thing from Cowboys fans: This is the year. Tony Romo and the Cowboys found their “secret sauce”. Dez Bryant finally wears his pants around his waist and will become the greatest receiver to ever put on the star.
Benjamin Button Jerry Jones’ ’40-year-old’ brain’ works wonders and every shrewd move they made in the offseason works. Like trading away a defensive lineman when their best lineman is out for the first six weeks, or trading back in the first round to take a Center that could’ve been available in the third round. Cowboys fans are always the most optimistic fans except maybe the Chargers fans “WE’RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!”. Which makes reality even sweeter, when the ‘Boys give their ‘fans’ scattered all across the nation hope and then kill their dreams week 17 ever year.
Denver Broncos – The Broncos get an exemption from the league allowing two footballs to be played at once, allowing QB Peyton Manning to evenly distribute the ball to all his talented receivers. Let’s just hope with twice as many balls (hehe) that Peyton doesn’t throw against his body in the playoffs again.
Detroit Lions – Detroit throws the ball about 700 times and the bionic arm of Matthew Stafford somehow doesn’t fall off. The Lions only have three in-season arrests and Reggie Bush is the back that everyone envisioned him to be coming out of the league. Ndomakong Suh only gets 17 personal foul flags and steps on approximately three groins. I’d say that’s pretty optimistic.
Green Bay Packers– 90% of the Packers fans realize that Green Bay isn’t a made up city like Des Moines (you can’t fool me Iowa!) and is in Wisconsin. Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Braun fight in a steel cage match and Clay Matthews and the defense figure out who finally has the ball on a read-option play.
Houston Texans: The Texans hold off the Colts in the AFC South only to lose in the first game of the playoffs, like usual. The Texans manage to hold the attention of the fat city of Houston until Dwight Howard and the Rockets start playing in October.
Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck succeeds Eli Manning as the quarterback that looks like he breathes through his mouth the most and enjoys quantum physics, yet throws dimes as he leads one of my three fantasy teams to the Championship.
Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars decide to sign Tim Tebow to be the team’s mascot and combs Blaine Gabbert’s hair to create the greatest GIF in the history of mankind. Just kidding.
Kansas City Chiefs: Alex Smith realizes what a wide receiver is and that they are actually there to help Alex and then, in a moment of triumph he has an epiphany to let loose and throw them the ball, it’s amazing. Andy Reid suffers amnesia and learns that running the ball is a good thing.
Miami Dolphins: The Miami Dolphins sign LeBron James to play tight end and E! gives LeBron and Ryan Tannehill a reality show where we can see a lot more of Mrs. Tannehill.
Minnesotta Vikings: The Vikings bench Christian Ponder and put in an extra offensive lineman to run a full-time Wildcat offense. Adrian Peterson runs for a plethora of yards while breaking his leg, tearing both his ACL’s and laughing it off while eating Nutella.
New England Patriots: The Patriots get hooked up with Aaron Hernandez’s PCP dealer and Bill Belichick gets super high and tie-dye’s his cut off sweatshirt starting a new fad for old boring hippies.
New Orleans Saints: The Saints put a reverse bounty on actually trying to stop a team on third down. Rob Ryan eats the whole city of New Orleans.
Oakland Raiders: …
…Wow, this is tough. Hm… Maybe Terrelle Pryor can… Nope, sorry. What if Darren McFadden is healthy and he can…Damn, not that either. I guess maybe playing Teddy Bridgewater and JaDeveon Clowney highlight videos instead of their games is the way to go this year.
Philadelphia Eagles: Chip Kelly’s offense works in spades. Michael Vick returns to his old-form and I don’t mean dog-fighting Vick. The Eagles run 127 plays a game and watch as defenders slowly collapse from dehydration. Chip Kelly runs onto the field and yells “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!”
Pittsburgh Steelers: Head and Shoulders creates a shampoo that reverses the signs of aging allowing Troy Polamalu and the Steelers defense to be good again and Jerome Bettis chugs it and returns to the field so the Steelers can finally have some semblance of a running game again.
San Diego Chargers– Charger fans fill up three quarters of Qualcomm each weekend to see Ryan Mathews leap over the goal line for a touchdown and he doesn’t break his collarbone! Philip Rivers realizes that Vincent Jackson isn’t running deep routes as a Charger anymore and decides not to throw into triple-coverage on 2nd-and-one.. Manti Te’o gets a real life girlfriend and they kiss on the “Kiss Cam”, but everyone questions whether it was CGI from a Michael Bay movie.
San Francisco 49ers: Michael Crabtree flies to Germany to kick it with Kobe Bryant’s doctor, and they create an Achilles Tendon from the rainbows of Unicorn hugs and giggles. He and Kaepernick ride in on the majestic beast while ‘Kaepernicking’ and Jim Harbaugh shakes Pete Carroll’s hand so hard that all the adderall for the Seaderall Seahawks falls out from his pockets. Oh, and they finally win (another) the Super Bowl.
Seattle Seahawks– Tyrion Lannister — damn, I did it again — Russell Wilson continues to improve with all odds against him. Who would’ve thought a talented athlete that was drafted in the MLB and dominant in the NCAA could be so good?! Right ESPN?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tampa Bay becomes too hot and humid everyone travels to Revis Island and over populates the pristine land. Revis holds out and travels to Cuba where he knows no one will follow him. He befriends Elian Gonzalez.
Tennessee Titans: Chris Johnson decides that instead of racing a cheetah, he wants to actually score touchdowns. He’s back to being CJ2K and people forget that Jake Locker isn’t any good.
Washington Redskins: RGIII stays healthy and invites coach Mike Shanahan over for dinner with his family. Which he names “Operation: Wine and Dine the Old Orange Guy”…not as catchy as his rehab name. Honestly, who names their own rehab? I don’t walk around my house yelling “Operation: Don’t stub your toe after drinking a beer”. Hm…Maybe I should.
Just for the heck of it. My optimistic Super Bowl pick:
Indianapolis Colts vs. San Francisco 49ers
Ever since that awkward puberty stage in a young man’s life where your voice is cracking, you start sweating in weird places, you’re now noticing girls and getting random boners in Math Class — don’t worry 12 year-olds of the world, we’ve been there — there is always one question that will be asked until the end of all eternity – “Who is your #1 girl?”, “Whose your dream girl?”, “If you were stuck on a sexy topless island with one person, who would it be with?”. The answer to each one of those questions is simple – Alison Brie. For years, it’s been a game of Musical Chairs for my #1 Stunna. It all started with an innocent Britney Spears after her first hit single, “Baby One More Time” (That schoolgirl look). Others include: Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis, Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Alba, etc. It’s a long list of HNNNGGGGs, but now that I’m older and more mature – it’s no longer 99% looks and 1% personality. Personality has to have its fun in the sun, so with this new found maturity, I had an epiphany. Alison Brie is perfect. If this was an episode of Friends, I would be Ross and my list would be #1 Alison Brie and I would laminate the shit out of that**, Sorry Mila. Why, you ask? Well let me break it down for you fools.
**Do people still laminate things? It was all the rage back in elementary school. I haven’t done my research on the laminated paper business, but you have to assume that is one of the hardest hit by the economy, ya know? Poor Mom & Pop lamination stores!**
First, for you novices to the Alison Brie game, she looks like this:
Perfect, I know.
She was born into this world from, presumably, great genes as Alison Brie Schermerhorn. Strong Jewish name, but that’s okay AB, that last name will soon be Cartelli.
While in high school, Alison would perform as a clown for kids’ birthday parties and her clown name was Sunny. I am a little conflicted with this history in her life. If I was making another laminated list of “The Scariest Things in the Freakin’ World” clowns would be on that list. Arguably in the top-3. I can’t think of one positive memory that included clowns, not even any dreams. I do appreciate the fact that her name tried to rebuke the scariness of Clowning and it’s honest because she does bring sunshine into my life. We all have our weird high school times, maybe even some things we regret in our past. Love is compromise, so I’ll give her a pass on this one.
Am I losing you? Here’s a picture of Alison
Cartelli Brie, in lingerie, with another girl.
She’s on one of the best shows on television, Community, where she plays Annie. AND THERE’S A MONKEY NAMED AFTER HER BOOBS! You guessed it, the monkey’s name is Annie’s Boobs.
A-Money (my adorable nickname for her) has made the list of “100 Most Beautiful Famous Faces in the World,” compiled by TC Candler, in each of the last four years, ranking 18th (2009), 5th (2010), 40th (2011), and 26th (2012). You know what, TC Chandler? Your list is bullshit. On Casually Ginger’s 1 Most Beautiful Alison Brie’s she ranks #1. Every year. Even Leap Year. Who the hell does TC Chandler think he is? He doesn’t even warrant a Google search out of me.
Here’s Alison Brie eating ice cream. If only it were Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked.
Now, I know what you all are thinking – “Yeah, she’s great, but what makes her perfect?”. Your question is premature, my friends.
Not only can someone as talented as Ms. Brie act, she can also sing. She is the lead singer of a cover band called, “The Girls”. Great name, she probably thought of it herself.
She’s singing a cover of Childish Gambino’s These Girls. The most perfect girl sings the songs of one of my favorite rappers? My God.
Oh yeah, she freestyle raps too.
She’s like the female Drake. The (better) Female Drake. The similarities are uncanny. She sings. She raps. She’s Jewish. They both act. The differences: She’s from America, take that Canada! She’s never played a guy in a wheelchair, but she was in Lizzy McGuire. Lizzie McGuire > Degrassi.
I can’t wait for Alison “The Female Drake” Brie to drop an album where she sings and raps. Take that Drizzy, OVOXO.
– Lance Cartelli
The Chargers and Padres are licking their chops of how easy it has been for the
4th time in a row San Diego Sockers PASL champions yet again! The Sockers clinch
their 14th banner in Sockers franchise history. Ryan Mathews was in attendance and
broke the trophy though.
Padres played another spring training game that went like this (snoreeeeeeeeeeee)
San Diego State University Men’s Basketball finishes it’s season 21-9 overall with a tough rematch at Thomas & Mack center versus Boise State this Wednesday night. The Aztecs had no answer for their own terrible free throw shooting problems and field goals all game and couldn’t even get toilet paper to roll their way. Heck, Boise fell asleep with less than thirty seconds to go and somehow couldn’t get that easy lay-up to go in. Critics are still iffy on the Aztecs getting an invite to the “Big Dance” feeling that they could use a few more stable wins to the resume and defeating Boise on the year would be a good start. Regardless, their record on the West Coast defeating all California teams is pretty impressive. The San Diego Chargers find themselves looking on the outside in with free agency. Last year trying to find diamonds in the rough with signings like Eddie Royal and Robert Meachem did not pan out at all. I mean, it went just horrible. New General Manager Tom Telesco says they won’t focus all their attention on big free agents but you still should sign your rock and anchors from a dreadful team. Guard Louis Vasquez and Wide Receiver Danario Alexander (who was low tendered) should be suitors to other teams with free agency under way. It would be very Charger-like and wouldn’t be surprising if they let these guys walk but hopefully they work out something to stay. Let’s not get off on the wrong track Tommy-T.
– Someone other than our cherished and beloved Ron Burgundy finally made SportsCenter on Monday for his ridiculous dunk versus Oklahoma City. Kawhi Leonard made SportsCenter’s Top 10 plays of the night at number one!
– USD Men’s Basketball coach Bill Grier is now on the hot seat after their season
ended Sunday night versus Saint Mary’s (SF) in the WCC tournament. It’s a very
“Norval-pickled” situation now for USD with wins over Pepperdine and a surprise
defeat of conference elite BYU. Look for them to probably give him one more shot
after no NCAA bids the past few years since his first year as HC. Just seeing this
reminds me of so much grand memories.
So, Kawhi so serious?
“It’s amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy.” – Bob Uecker, Major League II
Truer words have never been spoken about how I used to view Justin Timberlake. As the lead face of ‘N Sync, he inspired nothing but personal contempt – but then again, so did boy bands in general (except 2gether of course). But once he went solo, I surprisingly found myself able to tolerate his music. In the decade-plus since he dropped Justified, one could safely say I’ve become a fan of his. However, since his split from Joey, JC, Lance and Chris, one thing has become more abundantly clear than anything else:
This dude is pretty damn funny.
That’s right – the same guy who used to slum it with Ryan Gosling in The Mickey Mouse Club has quite the penchant for comedy. So needless to say, I was pretty excited when I found out that JT would be hosting the venerable Saturday Night Live for the fifth time this past weekend. Did his performance stack up to his previous four efforts?
Cold Open – Hugo Chavez memorial: Stories in the news have long been staples of the cold open, and this week’s show was no different. Deceased Venezuelan president (and Sean Penn BFF) Hugo Chavez was the target this week, as a mustachioed Fred Armisen introduced Elton John (Timberlake) to pay Chavez tribute. To the tune of “Candle in the Wind”, Timberlake begins praising random facts about Chavez’s life (how he banned Coke Zero, how capitalism killed Mars, and that the U.S. causes earthquakes). Coupled with the face JT makes as he intros the show, the cold open works. 7.5/10
Monologue: A tricky thing for any host, the monologue often sets the pace for the show. Being that this is Justin’s fifth time hosting, he describes how he has been granted admission to “The Five-Timers Club” and is gracious enough to give us a tour. Some highlights:
- Steve Martin: “I always figured if an ‘N Sync member would make the Five-Timers Club, it would be Joey Fatone”
- Martin Short doing the Three Amigos salute
- Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks (the last host to get the Five-Timers treatment) watching current cast members Bobby Moynihan and Taran Killam fight to the death
A few other big names show up to wish Justin well, but I won’t spoil them for you. It’s a monologue that’s too good to miss. 9/10
Game Show – It’s A Date: Justin’s last time doing a game show sketch (“What’s That Name?” with Lady Gaga) was outstanding, and this dating show didn’t disappoint either. Bill Hader plays the host, a role he traditionally plays in the show’s game show sketches, and introduces three bachelors who will compete for Vanessa Bayer’s affection. Her choices:
- An architect (Moynihan) who thinks her voice sounds lovely
- The “D*ck in a Box” guys (Andy Samberg and Timberlake) who say she sounds like a real tenderoni and “want to freak her in the back of a PT Cruiser…rental”
- George and Yortuk, the Festrunk Brothers (Dan Akroyd and Steve Martin) – the original wild and crazy guys (watch an episode of SNL from the ‘70s if you’re unfamiliar)
I don’t even know where to start with this sketch. The two duos are clearly the highlights (JT and Samberg’s songs are all great), but Moynihan is also good as the guy who soon realizes he has no chance of winning (“Oh I’m gonna lose!”). This may be one of the best sketches of the entire season. 10/10
[Editor’s Note: I haven’t stopped saying “rail her butt” since I heard the D*ck in a Box guys say it. Line of the night.]
Veganville: Each of Justin’s preceding appearances have seen him dressed in a ridiculous outfit (omelet, a bowl of soup, and a breast implant) doing his best Weird Al impression and changing popular songs that reflect the outfit that he’s wearing. This time he’s a giant piece of tofu, squaring off against a sausage maker (Moynihan) while promoting the healthy restaurant Veganville. If you’ve seen one of these sketches in the past, you know how this goes…except this one has 2 Chainz and a Harlem Shake (“Drink a vegan shake”). Enough said. 9.5/10
Commercial – Nuva Bling: A contraceptive covered in diamonds that doubles as an earring after you’re done using it? Who wouldn’t want to wear that? 9/10
Musical Performance – Suit & Tie: Awesome performance of an awesome song. Jay-Z even showed up on stage wearing enough jewelry to make Mr. T pity the fool. 10/10
Weekend Update: One of the best recurring characters on the show the last few years is Bill Hader’s Stefon, mostly due to the fact that he can never keep a straight face throughout the sketch. This can be attributed to former SNL writer John Mulaney, who used to intentionally change the cue cards before the show in an effort to trip up Hader. More hilarity ensues this time around, as Stefon recommends more of New York’s hottest clubs. If you’ve ever wondered what Donald Duck would sound like having a Vietnam nightmare, you’ll want to check this out. 9/10
Had the episode ended right after Weekend Update, it would’ve been an all-timer. But unfortunately, the writers have to fill 90 minutes each week. Time to begin the steep nose dive.
The Tales of Sober Caligula: Timberlake suits up as Caligula who, to the chagrin of his followers, has abandoned his hedonistic lifestyle to go on the straight and narrow path. No more orgies – now it’s game night! It’s a painful sketch from beginning to end. You’ll be thankful that your DVR has a fast-forward button. 1/10
Maine Justice: Apparently this sketch debuted during Jamie Foxx’s episode in December (which I missed). As far as I’m concerned, it should have stayed in that episode. People in Maine acting like Cajuns? Eh, no thanks… 2.5/10
Musical Performance – Mirrors: A second track of the upcoming album. A little different from Suit & Tie, but still pretty solid. 8.5/10
Movie Trailer – She’s Got a D*ck: JT pines after a girl (Nasim Pedrad) with a secret. I’ll let you guess what it is. 3.5/10
Moet & Chandon: Another sketch from Jamie Foxx’s episode. This one at least has a few laughs, with Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong as former porn stars pitching a champagne whose name they can’t even pronounce. Justin shows up later as Ricky V.I.Penis, an adult film star who only does ‘feminist porn’ and encourages the viewer to drink “Monica & Chandler Champagne”. The porn ‘stache and jean shorts really tie the whole outfit together. And remember – the best gift you can give a loved one is champagne (or is it oral?). 7.5/10
Conclusion: This is the kind of episode the SNL writers are able to do with a host that’s willing to make a fool of himself. Yes, the majority of the sketches were retreads, but that’s not always a bad thing when they’re the right sketches. These ones were definitely the right ones. The “____ville” sketches have gotten progressively better, and anytime Justin teams up with Andy Samberg, it’s typically a hit. If he would have brought back Jimmy Fallon for another edition of Barry Gibb Talk Show, this show would have been perfect. Be that as it may, Justin truly seems to enjoy himself when he hosts, which helps us enjoy it too. 9/10
So there you have it – the latest effort from the newest member of the Five-Timer’s Club. Is it his best overall effort? I would have to say yes; despite the awful Caligula sketch, there were just too many pluses. In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that Justin Timberlake is the best host the show has had in the last decade. His five shows stack up just as well as any other actor/musician/personality with multiple appearances over the same time frame. And with the news that this episode gave the show its highest ratings in 14 months, I think it’s an open and shut case.
See you next season, JT.
– Mike Millburn
Aztec Basketball recently had been going through a rough stretch with a couple rough road losses to some tougher schools in the Mountain West conference. Losses to undefeated at home Colorado St. and one-loss at home UNLV, makes the Aztec repeat of the regular season title a little more difficult. SDSU’s recent trouncing of Wyoming at Viejas Arena helped a ton but Colorado St. losing at UNLV makes it difficult considering UNLV has swept SDSU in the regular season. Look for UNLV or New Mexico to take the regular season title but come conference tourney time that is when the Aztecs shine.
The NFL Combine, also known as the “Underwear Olympics” starts this Saturday in Indianapolis. Charger fans that are steady and cautiously looking for reasons to deposit on season tickets will pay close attention on who performs well on the OL workouts. They may even want to take a look at corner too, even though they recently claimed Johnny Patrick off waivers from the New Orleans Saints. The Chargers have been good at striking it rich with the waiver wire, but don’t get that excited as Kevin Acee of U-T said “He’s just a guy.” Let’s hope that Leon Sandcastle will still be available come April but I don’t think the Chiefs will let that happen.
In more irrelevant team news, the San Diego Padres, along with 31 other teams reported to Spring Training in Arizona and Florida. The smell of optimism in the air by March and disappointment by July or August, I’m not sure even the studded finish by Chase Headley had toward the end of the 2012 season can still fill the seats other than opening day, which is always a given in sell outs. Padres catcher Yasmani Grandal will begin his suspension once game one starts of his 50 game suspension. He, along with SS and 2012 NL Stolen Base leader Everth Cabrera, have been in the news because of recent leaks to steroid sales from a Florida supplement dealer with other superstars of MLB. We’ll see if Grandal bounces back after game 50 is up.
(Honorable Mention: SDSU baseball sweeps No. 12 ranked cross town rival USD last weekend to move the Aztecs to No. 22 in the nation with No. 6 Oregon State already underway, a four game series with OSU up 1-0 in the series)
So, Kawhi so serious?
It’s been a crazy year in Film, the year of the Comic Book Movies with The Avengers, The Amazing Spider Man and the end of The Dark Knight Trilogy. We also saw a freed slave kill a buncha white people, an animated teddy bear come to life, Liam Neeson was badass again punching throats and killing wolves in Taken 2 and The Grey, respectively. Minds were blown in Cloud Atlas, being a wallflower was somehow cool, and odds were ever in our favor. What made my top 10 films and television shows? Check it out below!
2012 Top 10 Films:
10. Safety Not Guaranteed
9. Cloud Atlas
8. The Hunger Games
7. End of Watch
4. Silver Linings Playbook
3. Django Unchained
2. The Perks of Being a Wallflower
1. The Dark Knight Rises
Honorable Mentions: The Avengers, The Grey, 21 Jump Street, Lincoln,
2012 TV Shows:
10. The Walking Dead
7. Parks and Recreation
6. Sons of Anarchy
5. The New Girl
2. The Newsroom
1. Game of Thrones
Honorable Mentions: The League, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Dexter, Workaholics, ESPNs 30 for 30
Agree/Disagree with me? Comment away loyal readers!
– Lance Cartelli
We live in the generation of the Internet. YouTube videos, cat memes, hilarious GIFs, and people complaining about trivial things on Facebook and Twitter #firstworldproblems, while taking selfies of themselves on Instagram. If you’ve been searching the internet for as long as I have you tend to think you’ve seen it all. That nothing that ever comes up on Reddit will ever surprise you. Well, think again, I give you the greatest video ever. Jim Harbaugh on “Saved by the Bell”…No, not the original “Saved by the Bell” with our favorite characters Zach Morris, AC Slater, Lisa Turtle, Screech, Mr. Belding, and the girl from “Striptease”, but the lesser known but still corny as all hell — “Saved by the Bell: The New Class” that gives us mainstays Screech and Mr. Belding.
The video is embedded below. Start at 14:59 (unless you want to watch the greatness that is this episode in full) and see the most amazing cameo of cheesy 90s television of ALL-TIME!
- [14:59] Jim Harbaugh IS Screech’s Cousin! and Screech even says they look “like twins”. I don’t know much about Jim other than that I have a huge man crush on him and he’s one of the greatest coaches in the league, but knowing that he is at least in “Saved by the Bell” Family with Screech is like finding out your super hot girlfriend loves watching you play video games and thinks that watching SportsCenter is a good way to spend a Tuesday night.
- [15:24] Jim Harbaughs intro. He walks into the after-school hangout “The Max”, which makes me incredibly jealous. Every place I’ve gone to school hasn’t had a super cool hangout like “The Max” where everyone goes to have a burger and a soda. If this was real life these kids would be in the parking lot of their High School smoking weed or trying to get their older sibling to buy them a six pack of Smirnoff Ice.
- [15:26] Huge applause for Jim Harbaugh (Obviously, even I’m giving him a standing ovation). The one thing that sticks out to me is that in the almost two years that Harbaugh has been Head Coach of the 49ers he’s worn one thing. Seeing Harbaugh in anything other than his sideline apparel is like seing a cartoon character not wear the same outfit they always wear in every single show.
- [15:43] Harbaugh drops the killer line, “Screech is that you? I couldn’t recognize you over all those muscles”. An absolute classic and as you can tell from previous commercials, Harbaugh’s comedic timing is immaculate.
- [15:56] Harbaugh has heard of this High School football player who looks like Soulja Boy! This has to be the highlight of this kids life especially after he did his football dance at the 2-yard line.
- [16:01] Jim Harbaugh the Coach comes out and boy is it a good look for him. He eloquently says, “You know, people think I’m a hero because I can throw a football”. No Jim, YOU ARE a hero because you resurrected Alex Smith’s career and brought this team out of a 9-year depression, but I digress.
- [16:32] Screech has the audacity to pull a “Jim Harbaugh” and slap Jim on the back. Harbaugh may not have liked it, but he did not break the 4th wall (The Golden Rule of Acting – Someone get this man an Oscar or at least a Daytime Emmy!).
- [16:52] Boom! Jim Harbaugh is absolutely killing it. Two classic lines in one appearance? He may have missed his calling after weird guy does an awful cheer, Harbaugh says, “Cheerleading sure has changed since my day”.
- [18:56] Harbaugh triumphantly returns to save the day, this time wearing a brown blazer. It’s so dapper, I want to be just like him.
- [19:15] Jim brings it home, giving us not only comedy from earlier, but a little bit of emotion to really drive home his message. “Being a hero isn’t about what you do out there on the field,” he says. “It’s about who you are in here [heart]. It’s about helping your friends, your school and your community.” I have no doubt in my mind that Jim came up with his own lines, I’m sure he could even make the great speech from “Any Given Sunday” even better.
- [19:55] I wouldn’t say Jim is a guy that holds grudges, but he definitely forgives but does not forget. He gives Screech the “Handshake” and slaps him on the back ala San Francisco vs. Detroit. See Schwartz he does it to everyone, stop overreacting!
I’ve learned so much from this timeless video and I hope you have to. First off, Jim Harbaugh is a phenomenal actor that not only has comedic timing but really brings his message home. He also is just an aggressive handshaker and back-patter and that if you ever come in contact with him (May God allow this to happen to every single one of you) just be prepared. Finally, that no matter how long the Internet lasts — probably until the “Matrix” or “Terminator” happens — it just keeps on giving.
– Lance Cartelli
Oh, you want to know what happened this week in sports? Why don’t you let me tell you…
- The San Antonio Spurs rested their “Big Three” in a closely contested loss to the defending champions, the Miami Heat last night and sparked a controversy between the Spurs and NBA Commissioner David Stern. Since nobody knew who these players were, the Miami Heat Public Address Announcer had to make up names during the pre-game introductions. He came up with crazy names like: Tiago Splitter (the bad guy from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies), Boris Diaw (Russian Bad Guy in every movie featuring Russian bad guys), Matt Bonner (hehehe…Oh wait, no, not boner…Nevermind), Patty Mills (The name of the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms), and my personal favorite — Nando de Colo (Just a great name.). Breaking News: That was actually the San Antonio Spurs starting line up.
- The Atlanta Falcons defeated the New Orleans Saints last night 23-13 and ended Drew Brees touchdown passing record in consecutive games at 54. The Falcons ended other famous streaks of Drew Brees, such as: Throwing as many interceptions as his team has wins (5), most awful commercials that Drew Brees has been in in a loss, Most consecutive days where you ask yourself, “What the hell is on Drew Brees’ face? Is it a birthmark or a scar? OR did he get some crazy disease like ring worm on his face? I hope it’s the latter”.
- On his Facebook, Rolando McClain said “Officially no longer an Oakland Raider…Looking forward to playing for an actual team”. Fans were actually more angry that McClain Instagrammed the picture of his status update and then tweeted his Instagram picture. Due to McClain’s terrible social networking he was suspended two games by the Raiders and lost over 200,000 followers.
- David Wright signed the largest contract in New York Mets history – an 8-year, $140 million contract. Not to be outdone, the New York Yankees decided to sign Rolando McClain (10-year $100 million), Angus T. Jones (Whatever he makes on Two and a Half Men plus one dollar and the copyright to the word “Filth”, and Lindsay Lohan (Whatever bottle of alcohol she wants whenever she wants it a.k.a. always).
- Rajon Rondo was ejected and later suspended two games by the NBA for pushing Kris Humphries and tackling him into the stands after an altercation. After Kim Kardashian saw the push, she quickly ended her relationship with Kanye West to start dating Rajon Rondo. This just in: They have officially gotten married…And now they are divorced.
- On Thanksgiving, Ndamakong Suh’s foot collided with force against the groin region of Texans QB Matt Schaub. Suh’s thinking may have been a little flawed, overheard by NFL Films microphones, Suh said “I thought if I kicked him hard enough he wouldn’t have testicles anymore and you have to have testicles to play in the NFL! Right?…RIGHT?!”
– Lance Cartelli