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Judge Judy’s #1 Fan is Jim Harbaugh?

When one thinks of NFL Head Coaches that lead 53 men into battle every week through blood, sweat and tears one would assume that if they did have time for television, those head coaches would like tough, gritty dramas with high stakes.  But Jim Harbaugh is another breed, is his favorite television show The Walking Dead? No.  What about Friday Night Lights? Nope.  Oh, it’s gotta be Game of Thrones?  Negative.  Two Broke Girls? Good guess, but unfortunately that is wrong as well.  It’s Judge Judy.

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Yes, that Judge Judy.  The Judge Judy from daytime television.  Between morning workouts, practice, watching film, and game-planning you just know, that Jim has the Season Pass for Judge Judy set on his TiVO from 1998.

While addressing the media at the NFL Combine, somehow talk of integrity, honesty and truthfulness was turned into an unabashed love of Judge Judith Sheindlin.

“Somebody that’s not truthful, that’s big, to me, I’m a big fan of the Judge Judy show. And when you lie in Judge Judy’s courtroom, it’s over. Your credibility is completely lost. You have no chance of winning that case. So I learned that from her. It’s very powerful, and true. Because if somebody does lie to you, how can you ever trust anything they ever say after that? Ronald Reagan, another person of great wisdom and advice, ‘Trust but we will verify.’ ” – Jim Harbaugh

The world has been around for hundreds of millions of years, we’ve been a country for 237 of them and finally someone was able to eloquently use Judge Judy and Ronald Reagan in the same sentence.  Shame on you Planet Earth and America for this never happening.

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I’ve only seen Jim Harbaugh’s favorite show of all-time in passing when my parents would have it on while I was younger.  I had to learn more of this Judith Sheindlin and her magical powers to inspire Harbaugh and be mentioned in the same breathe as former President Ronald Reagan. Naturally, I google searched her.

According to The International Business Times (sounds refutable) she makes $123,000…a day (!) and roughly $45 million a year.  Jim Harbaugh needs to hire Judge Judy’s agent for his next contract extension.  Judy started from the bottom and now she’s here.

The Judge Judy Show was nominated for a Daytime Emmy 14 years in a row without winning.  I’m starting to understand Jim Harbaugh’s love for Judith; the 49ers have lost two big games in a row without winning the big one – they must keep fighting like Judy did, and they will overcome…or be the Bills of the 90’s or the Eagles of the 2000’s.

Apparently, Judge Judy has “Judyisms” – Oh, I see what they did there – I’m sure these can apply to Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers.  No wonder he watches this show religiously, he’s learning and adapting this to his coaching.  Jim Harbaugh is a genius.

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“I am a truth machine!” – Maybe as a fan you decide to actually question Jim going for it on 4th-and-1? I wouldn’t. When they inevitably convert you can actually see Jim Harbaugh mouthing this on the sideline and pointing to the sky.  Not to God, but to Judge Judy who is always looking over him.

“Baloney!” – Every time the 49ers want to challenge a bad call by the referees, Jim Harbaugh yells, “Baloney!” and 9 times out of 10 he will win that challenge.  Also, the type of sandwich I envision Jim Harbaugh and Judge Judy eating when they sit down for lunch in my dreams.

“Dumb ideas come from people who have dumb brains.” – Oh, now you want to go for it on 4th-and-1 against the Justin Smith and the 49ers Defense? Ha! You’re coach has dumb brains!

I eat liars for Breakfast”- She’s talking to you Pete Carroll.  The 49ers eat liars and Seahawks for breakfast.  Then baloney after!

“You lie to me, and I’ll wipe up the floor with you worse than anyone who’s ever tackled you.” – Fact: Patrick Willis says this right before he decides to destroy his enemies on the opposition.

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“You are pretty thick!” – That’s what happens when you eat a lot of baloney, Judy!

“You know what my father used to say? He used to say: Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” – Jim Harbaugh doesn’t just believe what people tell him, Jim Harbaugh is the man that pees on your leg and tells you it’s raining.  Believe that.

“That is the guiltiest face I’ve seen all day.”

“You speak. I rule, and then you shut up. Do you understand?” – Understood.

In the end I think we all learned a little bit about ourselves along with Jim Harbaugh and of course, Judge Judy.  When I have my Star Wars moment and the hologram/jedi’s look over me, just know that it will be Ronald Reagan, Jim Harbaugh and Judge Judith Sheindlin.

– Lance Cartelli

 

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The 49ers are Super Bowl Bound – A Roller Coaster of Emotions

The glass is half full.  You can do anything you set your mind too.  Lindsay Lohan can beat this! David Akers can totally hit a 38 yard field goal.  Optimism – it’s a crazy thing and it was tested on Sunday in the Cartelli household, especially when the one thing that brings you happiness is down 17.  On the road.  In the NFC Championship game.

Spoiler Alert:  There will be screaming.  There will be yelling.  There will be dancing.  And there will be joyous and angry tweets!

Without further ado:

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Coming off a week where your team just dominated last years MVP and your newly crowned QB in his first playoff start breaks records, you have to feel a little bit of confidence going into the NFC Championship game.  It also didn’t help that ESPN and NFL Network were all picking your team to win and it shouldn’t be close.  They were even favored by four on the road according to Vegas.  The Georgia Dome was going to be rocking, the Falcons were going to feel disrespected, and they were going to come out swinging.  And that is exactly what happened.

Before I could blink Quintorris Lopez Jones, better known as Julio Jones was dominating.  He was a man amongst boys towering over everyone that even tried to cover him.  It was like if I was in a room with Danny DeVito.  After the first drive the 49ers were down seven.  Not to worry, we have Colin Freakin’ Kaepernick.

My optimism is still at a very high point.

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Well, Colin Freakin’ Kaepernick and the 49ers have a three-and-out.  Not good.  Can the defense get a stop?  No, No they can’t.  A field goal – they are now down 10.  That’s okay, we’re gonna get points right here right? Wrong.  Three-and-out. This feels like the 49ers vs. Seahawks all over again.

The Falcons smell the blood in the water, are the 49ers the innocent surfers deep in the ocean about to get chomped on?  Cue the Jaws Music as Julio Jones makes a ridiculous catch over Tarell Brown and the Falcons are up 17-0.  We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Oh, by the way.  This was all in the first quarter.  Optimism fleeting.

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No, no it wasn’t.

At this point in the Cartelli household, my face is in my palm, my Dad is walking around yelling and not being able to watch and my Mom is playing Spider Solitaire upstairs.  I did not watch 19 weeks of 49er football to be disappointed once again in the NFC Championship game.  Time to will my team to victory.

Optimism at an all-time low –  the 49ers respond with a long touchdown drive capped off my rookie LaMichael James touchdown.  17-7.  Screaming and yelling commence.  I remember saying louder and more confidently, “We’re still in this”.  A stop.  Another touchdown drive lead by Kaepernick and Frank Gore.  17-14.  

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After being punched in the gut and knocked down, we bounce back, By “we”, I mean my Dad and I.  We’re back in this.  Every play matters, we’re screaming, high-fiving, wondering why Troy Aikman sounds like a lesbian, but I digress.  Did the 49ers leave too much time on the clock for Matt Ryan?  They sure did.  After having all the momentum, the 49ers allow a touchdown to put the Falcons up 24-14.  I hate you, Matt Ryan.

It’s halftime.  Usually  my chance to shower, relieve myself in the restroom, eat, cry (when losing), and yell at the television some more.  Not Sunday, I had no appetite, bodily functions weren’t working, I didn’t move, paralyzed by an awful half.  Will this be the last half in the 2012-13 season for the 49ers?

The 49ers start with the ball and for the third straight drive they score a touchdown.  Down 24-21, both teams look unstoppable like underrated Denzel Washington & Chris Pine movie of the same name.  Shootouts are fun unless your team is apart of it then you just want to rip your hair out.

The 49ers needed a stop, a turnover, a something! I was being modest when I asked the #1 defense in the league for a stop and then the greatest thing you can do on Twitter happened.

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Yes, I retweeted myself.  Don’t overuse such a power, it comes with great responsibility.

The 49ers are in great position to tie or take the lead from the Falcons after the interception by Chris Culliver they get into field goal range and it’s up to David Akers.  Akers in 2011 set the record for most field goals made in a season and started off the season with a record-tying 63 yard field goal in Green Bay.  Now, that I’ve said all the good about David.

Here’s the bad:

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Hate is a strong word.  It was said in a time of great passion, but Akers may be on my short list of actual things I hate**. Notice I said things – I know he’s a good person, he did great things last year and has had a great career.  But he is awful, just the worst.  The Super Bowl is going to come down to a field goal and knowing that Akers is on the sideline scares the bejesus out of me.

**Other Things on Short Hate List: Girls that wear bright red lipstick, Adults with baby teeth and huge gums, Facebook (Especially people that like stupid pictures that say “Like this or you want your elderly Grandmother to die a painful death”), Bandwagon fans, and the Kardashians.

After the miss, this game entered into the pantheon of games that will shorter my lifespan by 5-10 years.  Can Matt Ryan score again and put this game on ice?  Not just yet.  He takes his eye off the ball, fumbles, and Aldon Smith recovers it.  New life!  Optimism still alive.  Screaming, yelling, and more high-fives.  This euphoria does not last.  Crabtree runs a slant route, catches it, gets to the half yard line and fumbles.

Screen Shot 2013-01-24 at 12.35.37 PMIt’s like I just watched Click again.  I can feel the tears building up.  The 49ers cannot lose because another fumble in the NFC Championship game.  For the love of Kyle Williams it cannot happen!

The 49ers get a stop thanks to a timely tackle by Carlos Rogers and they are back in business.  This time no messin around – Gore runs it in for a Touchdown and the 49ers have their first lead of the game, 28-24.

I’m on the edge of my seat now and have really poor posture, but all the back pain will be worth it if the 49ers can hold on.  There’s plenty of time for Matty Ice to comeback and win this game, it’s what he does.

It comes down to a 4th down and 4.  All-Pro LB Navorro Bowman on Roddy White – a mismatch.  There’s some jostling for position, but Bowman knocks it away!

The 49ers win!  I’m jumping up and down, screaming, yelling, fist-pumping like I’m Tiger Woods and I just won the Masters.  My dad doing the same thing.  Mother dearest, dancing away.  Then a sigh of relief, the biggest comeback in NFC Championship history and a trip to New Orleans for the Super Bowl.  It’s been 18 years.

18 years.  18 years since I was watching the 49ers demolish the San Diego Chargers in the Super Bowl.  18 years since Steve Young to Jerry Rice in that 49-26 victory.  If the 49ers Super Bowl drought was a kid, he could buy cigarettes, fight in a war, and get blacked out drunk in the dorms of his college because you know he would be in a University not a Community College!

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Super Bowl Bound.

– Lance Cartelli

Jim Harbaugh on Saved by the Bell! The 11 Reasons Why This is the Greatest Video of the 90s

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We live in the generation of the Internet.  YouTube videos, cat memes, hilarious GIFs, and people complaining about trivial things on Facebook and Twitter #firstworldproblems, while taking selfies of themselves on Instagram.  If you’ve been searching the internet for as long as I have you tend to think you’ve seen it all.  That nothing that ever comes up on Reddit will ever surprise you.  Well, think again, I give you the greatest video ever.  Jim Harbaugh on “Saved by the Bell”…No, not the original “Saved by the Bell” with our favorite characters Zach Morris, AC Slater, Lisa Turtle, Screech, Mr. Belding, and the girl from “Striptease”, but the lesser known but still corny as all hell — “Saved by the Bell: The New Class” that gives us mainstays Screech and Mr. Belding.

The video is embedded below.  Start at 14:59 (unless you want to watch the greatness that is this episode in full) and see the most amazing cameo of cheesy 90s television of ALL-TIME!

  1. [14:59] Jim Harbaugh IS Screech’s Cousin! and Screech even says they look “like twins”.  I don’t know much about Jim other than that I have a huge man crush on him and he’s one of the greatest coaches in the league, but knowing that he is at least in “Saved by the Bell” Family with Screech is like finding out your super hot girlfriend loves watching you play video games and thinks that watching SportsCenter is a good way to spend a Tuesday night. 
  2. [15:24] Jim Harbaughs intro.  He walks into the after-school hangout “The Max”, which makes me incredibly jealous.  Every place I’ve gone to school hasn’t had a super cool hangout like “The Max” where everyone goes to have a burger and a soda.  If this was real life these kids would be in the parking lot of their High School smoking weed or trying to get their older sibling to buy them a six pack of Smirnoff Ice.
  3. [15:26]  Huge applause for Jim Harbaugh (Obviously, even I’m giving him a standing ovation).  The one thing that sticks out to me is that in the almost two years that Harbaugh has been Head Coach of the 49ers he’s worn one thing. Seeing Harbaugh in anything other than his sideline apparel is like seing a cartoon character not wear the same outfit they always wear in every single show.
  4. [15:43] Harbaugh drops the killer line, “Screech is that you?  I couldn’t recognize you over all those muscles”.  An absolute classic and as you can tell from previous commercials, Harbaugh’s comedic timing is immaculate.
  5. [15:56] Harbaugh has heard of this High School football player who looks like Soulja Boy!  This has to be the highlight of this kids life especially after he did his football dance at the 2-yard line.
  6. [16:01] Jim Harbaugh the Coach comes out and boy is it a good look for him.  He eloquently says, “You know, people think I’m a hero because I can throw a football”.  No Jim, YOU ARE a hero because you resurrected Alex Smith’s career and brought this team out of a 9-year depression, but I digress.
  7. [16:32]  Screech has the audacity to pull a “Jim Harbaugh” and slap Jim on the back.  Harbaugh may not have liked it, but he did not break the 4th wall (The Golden Rule of Acting – Someone get this man an Oscar or at least a Daytime Emmy!).
  8. [16:52] Boom! Jim Harbaugh is absolutely killing it.  Two classic lines in one appearance?  He may have missed his calling after weird guy does an awful cheer, Harbaugh says, “Cheerleading sure has changed since my day”.
  9. [18:56] Harbaugh triumphantly returns to save the day, this time wearing a brown blazer.  It’s so dapper, I want to be just like him.
  10. [19:15] Jim brings it home, giving us not only comedy from earlier, but a little bit of emotion to really drive home his message.  “Being a hero isn’t about what you do out there on the field,” he says. “It’s about who you are in here [heart]. It’s about helping your friends, your school and your community.”  I have no doubt in my mind that Jim came up with his own lines, I’m sure he could even make the great speech from “Any Given Sunday” even better. 
  11. [19:55]  I wouldn’t say Jim is a guy that holds grudges, but he definitely forgives but does not forget.  He gives Screech the “Handshake” and slaps him on the back ala San Francisco vs. Detroit.  See Schwartz he does it to everyone, stop overreacting!

I’ve learned so much from this timeless video and I hope you have to.  First off, Jim Harbaugh is a phenomenal actor that not only has comedic timing but really brings his message home.  He also is just an aggressive handshaker and back-patter and that if you ever come in contact with him (May God allow this to happen to every single one of you) just be prepared.  Finally, that no matter how long the Internet lasts — probably until the “Matrix” or “Terminator” happens — it just keeps on giving.

– Lance Cartelli

Who Should the 49ers Start at Quarterback?

Who Would You Start?

We have been hearing it all week – “Who will be the starting quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers?”, “Alex Smith or Colin Kaepernick?”, “Is there a quarterback controversy in San Francisco?”, “SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE 49ers?” — Okay, Maybe not that far, but still – that is the buzz around the league and the talk of the town on ESPN and NFL Network.  It sure is a nice problem to have for Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers: Two starting quarterbacks that are playing lights out and the one that just got “benched” due to medical issues took that team to the NFC Championship last year and was an overtime away from advancing to the Super Bowl. The solution to the biggest question in San Francisco is actually really easy to answer.

There is no quarterback controversy.  The Colin Kaepernick era has begun in Northern California.

Yes, there is an argument for both quarterbacks.  Really sound arguments for both Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick.

If you’re an old school guy, like Trent Dilfer who is against the switch at QB, then your argument is: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Alex Smith is 20-5-1 in his last 26 games as a starter under Jim Harbaugh.  He completed 70% of his passes this year (leads the league), he’s third in the NFL in passer rating, and led this team to the #2 seed in the NFC.  Smith knows the offense, doesn’t make mistakes, and will rely on his running game and defense to stay in games and make plays when they are needed to be made (New Orleans).

With Alex Smith, the 49ers floor is higher, but the ceiling is also lower.  For Harbaugh to make this move he realized that the Alex Smith 49ers have reached that ceiling.  Could they win the Super Bowl with Alex as the QB?  Possibly.  But a lot would have to go right for that to happen.  Harbaugh also sees the New York Giants — the 49ers Kryptonite – – looming for a potential rematch in the playoffs.

Now for the Kaepernick enthusiasts out there  — Captain Kap of the Starship 49ers — he’s a playmaker that offers unreal athleticism that allows him to avoid sacks and run the ball, a gunslinger mentality to throw deep and take chances that Alex just doesn’t take, and the two things that have surprised me the most: his unreal accuracy and knowledge of the offense.  Just a couple months ago, during the Preseason Kaepernick looked improved, but nowhere near where he is today.  Harbaugh may have resurrected the career of Alex Smith, but he also traded up in the 2nd round last year to take Kaepernick.  Never underestimate a handpicked player by a Head Coach.  This is his guy.  His floor is lower than Alex Smith’s, but his ceiling is through the roof.  Will there be growing pains?  Most likely.  Does he offer the 49ers the best chance to win?  Yes.  Once again, the Giants are lurking out there, and Kaepernick brings a new dynamic to this offense that could lead this team past their biggest enemy.

In the NFC Championship game last year against the Giants most people remember Kyle Williams two fumbles, but they do not remember that the only offense the 49ers had was from Frank Gore and Vernon Davis.  The wide receivers caught one pass for three yards, and Alex did not play well.  In the back of Harbaugh’s mind he knows that he needed more big plays out of this offense, and Kaepernick is a playmaker.

For as much as Alex Smith has resurrected his career as “The Phoenix” of the 49ers, he still has history against him.  Those first six years, with six different offensive coordinators, when San Francisco were the cellar dwellers of the NFC.  In the NFL, perception is reality and the perception is that Alex, for as good as he has become, just cannot overcome certain physical traits that limit him and that Kaepernick happens to possess.

Harbaugh said that he will announce his starter against the St. Louis Rams on Wednesday, he will come up with some kind of saying where they will have two starters because Alex Smith is still the starting QB, but Kaepernick is not a backup.  It takes a lot of, ahem, fortitude for Harbaugh to make such a drastic change, but he has all the confidence in the world with this quarterback, this coaching staff, and this team.  Behind the sayings, the smoke-and-mirrors, there is the future and present of the 49ers.  The Colin Kaepernick era.

– Lance Cartelli.

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