In case you’ve been living under a rock the past couple months, Kobe Bryant has taken up social media in an unprecedented way. After rupturing his achilles tendon, Kobe has embraced the 21st century and has quickly ascended my Power Rankings of Favorite Tweeters and Instagrammers. Congrats Mamba, you’re my number one!
Recently, he’s been giving updates on his rehab as he tries to prove his haters wrong and comeback from his most devastating injury of his career. But Kobe crossed a line this past week. A social media line, that is usually reserved for the creepy people on the internet not named Kobe. He Instagrammed a picture of his achilles surgery and it was the most disgusting picture I’ve seen since Kevin Ware’s broken leg made its way on the interwebs.
At least he’s got the #hashtagging down. #Graphic is an understatement, Kobes.
While perusing my Instagram and eating lunch, this popped up. So, after I puked profusely and woke up from my Instagram induced blackout (I didn’t faint! I swear!) I thought we should set a couple guidelines for celebrities and their Instagram’s.
Do post #selfies of yourself. Honestly, if you’re a celebrity that means you’re probably pretty damn attractive. As much as I hate #selfies, if you’re good looking I won’t complain. Unless you post an inspirational quote as the caption to your selfie, then I will pray for your soul.
Do post pictures of you with other celebrities. Do I want to know if you’re out partying with Lindsay Lohan, Dennis Rodman and Charlie Sheen? Hell yes I do. That would be a fun game of Marry, F*ck, Kill*
*Marry: Charlie Sheen because you know he’d at least keep it interesting. F*ck: Lindsay Lohan, well she’s a girl, I’m a guy, it’s physics. Kill: Dennis Rodman, no explanation needed.
Do post behind the scenes looks at your prolific life. If you’re an actor, take some pictures that will give us an inside look on your new movie that I will probably download. If you’re an athlete, take a picture of your teammate passed out on the plane ride. We eat that shit up.
Don’t post gruesome pictures of your injuries! It is disgusting and will make the collective nation sick. We get it, Kobe, you’re a warrior, you play through injuries and you speak your mind. But, please spare me seeing the insides of your body. It just ain’t right.
Don’t tweet out a picture of your instagram that you Facebook’d. That is confusing and annoying and I will probably hate you.
Don’t like pictures that people have tweeted just of you. You’re a celebrity, so I’m sure you’re naive and need the attention, but just do a Google image search of you and bask in the glory that is yourself.
In case you missed the awful NBA All-Star Saturday Night, you didn’t miss much other than missed dunks in the Slam Dunk Contest, but you did miss a betrayal for the ages. In an effort to get San Antonio Spurs Forward Matt Bonner into the Three-Point Contest, Kobe Bryant bequeathed the nickname the “Red Mamba” to him. Needless to say I was heartbroken.
Let’s go over the facts: Kobe Bryant is my second favorite basketball player of all-time behind Michael Jordan. The Lakers are my favorite team. I have red hair. Those three factors alone put me on the short list for greatest nickname ever, “The Red Mamba”.
Not only did Matt Bonner — whose name is really close to being Matt Boner — get the greatest nickname on Planet Earth and probably the Milky Way Galaxy, but he also got a shirt of a Red Mamba in attack mode?!
That is my shirt. I understand your mistake Kobe, so I’ll take that shirt in Men’s Large, does it come as a tall tee? I am ready to terrify the little kid that was jumped over in the Slam Dunk Contest.
Now after being bestowed the “Red Mamba” nickname and an equally awesome and horrifying shirt, the Red Mamba has to run away with the Three-Point Contest, right? There’s no way the Red Mamba could lose!
At this point, I was torn. Do I root for Mr. Red Mamba even though he stole my rightful name? Us Gingers do have to stick together, you know. Or…has this man become my mortal enemy — the Joker to my Batman, the receding hairline to my LeBron James — and I must destroy him to regain what is rightfully mine? I decide to go with the former seeing as he’s a big, white guy with red hair, he’s just too damn lovable. Damn you Bonner!
The Red Mamba comes out nailing everything. Maybe Kobe was right. Bonner advances to the finals against Kyrie Irving.
Unfortunately, being tall and white and a Ginger caught up to big Bonner in the Finals where he ran into the buzz-saw that is Kyrie Irving.
The Red Mamba loses, which gets me thinking – I lose all the time. I could’ve lost at the Three-Point Contest, I could lose a lot of things for the right to be called the Red Mamba by Kobe Bean Bryant. Lance “Second Place” Cartelli doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Therefore, the twitter campaign #Lance4RedMamba begins, it shall be trending in no time.
At least Kobe still has his back right? The guy that created the nickname and started the campaign to get Matt Bonner into the Three-Point Contest wouldn’t just turn his back on him would he? Never turn your back on a Mamba!
After being stabbed in the back by Kobe, I doubt Mr. Bonner wants to keep this nickname that is tainted by the 2013 NBA Three-Point Contest. Which means the reign of Lance “Red Mamba” Cartelli is in full affect. Hopefully the power doesn’t go to my head and I become Joffrey from Game of Thrones.
I had to do more research on this Red Mamba. Like a Method Actor, I had to do more research to get into the role of a lifetime.
First, a Google search. The seventh thing on the list is a movie called “The Red Mamba” made in 2002. I don’t even need to read the plot summary I know that this will be the best movie ever made (sorry, Highlander) and that if there is a God, it will be streaming on Netflix. But, I get sucked into the IMDb page. A movie written and directed by James Jackson – whose other credits include: Actor – Aliens vs. A-Holes and he was also a Cinematographer for Blood, Guts, and Cleaning Supplies: The Making of “The Janitor” – well, that’s two more movies on my Netflix queue. Still perusing around the IMDb page, I get to the plot summary and it is everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
A bright sunny day in the deep wilderness fades to black for Oz and Lucy, two teens on a quest for a magical sex drug which grows wild in a mythical mushroom field known as Cloud 9. Oz assures her that the story about a man who claims to have seen a caveman in the woods was either a delusion caused from his eating a similar but poisonous variety of the sex drug known as the “Red Mamba”, or more likely a spook story to keep poachers clear of the treasured fungus in Cloud 9… Or is it?
Why did Christopher Nolan not write and direct this? There’s always the sequel. I am available, by the way.
Unfortunately, there are no reviews or even any message board comments. How can this be true? But, from eight satisfied patrons it is rated 8.4 which would effectively put it as the 50th greatest movie of all-time according to IMDb. I’m sold.
But I digress, I finally return to my Google search to realize there is no Wikipedia page for the Red Mamba and that it doesn’t even exist! Time to genetically mate a Black Mamba with a Ladybug to create the #REDMAMBA.
Kobe – I know you will read this and I just want you to know I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.
– Lance Cartelli
In case you were out with your imaginary girlfriend this week, here’s what happened in sports:
– In the most bizzarre sports news in years, Manti Te’o got Catfish-ed by a friend who created a (fake) dead girlfriend that did not actually exist and we all got #Te’o’d. Although she was fake, reports are that during her stint with (fake) leukemia she wore a “LIVESTRONG” bracelet to support Lance Armstrong. Apparently she never got the news. In addition, the sequel of Catfish is now in early development, and the working title is “Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen”. It is being directed by Michael Bay.
– Lance Armstrong finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) and being a bully while winning seven Tour de France titles in an interview with Oprah. Worried about his public image, Lance prayed to God to give his last nut for a “bigger story about a fake dead girlfriend that a superstar has never met so that his indiscretions become an afterthought”. After Manti Te’o’s story came out, he once again prayed to God, “You know I was joking, right?, YOU ALREADY TOOK MY GOOD TESTICLE!”. In other news, Lance Armstrong is privately funding Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen.
– Colin Kaepernick ran for a record 181 yards rushing while throwing for over 200 yards and accounting for four touchdowns in a win over the Green Bay Packers to advance the San Francisco 49ers into the NFC Championship game against the Atlanta Falcons. Kaepernick has lead to the new craze “Kaepernicking” where you kiss your tattoos after a touchdown. Other crazes include “Tebowing“, “Griffining” – where you lay on the ground writhing in pain because your field destroyed your knee. “Romo-ing” – where you throw an interception at the most crucial time in a game. “Manning-ing” – where you look like you breath out of your mouth and wonder how the hell this guy is a successful QB? and everyone’s favorite “Sanchezing” when a big butt gets in your way and you fumble the ball.
– The New York Jets are reportedly interested in signing potential free agent Michael Vick. The Jets seem to be interested in Vick because he combines everything the Jets love, a left-handed QB that loves to run but also takes a lot of sacks and turns the ball over. Vick is also contemplating changing his name to Mark Tebow or Tark Sanbow. Coincidentally, Tark Sanbow will be the fake love interest in Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen.
– Kobe Bryant was voted to his 15th All-Star game in his career. Kobe starting is a perfect fit for the Western Conference Team — a game where Kobe can shoot whenever he wants and people play little-to-no defense, sounds like the quintessential Laker team. Hopefully Kobe can bring Mike Brown and Mike D’Antoni to coach the team.
– Lance Cartelli
Well, that was fast. It only took one death stare and 5 games into the regular season for the Los Angeles Lakers to fire their Head Coach Mike Brown. As you all know, the Lakers won the offseason with trades for perennial All-Stars Steve Nash and Dwight Howard. They improved the depth on their bench with signings of Sixth Man Antawn Jamison and three-point specialist Jodie Meeks. Installed the new “Princeton” offense, veering away from the Triangle Offense that has brought the Lakers six championships. But winning the Offseason Championship doesn’t win you games, the Lakers and Mike Brown have gone 2-16 since the start of the Oklahoma City Thunder series in the Playoffs last year (including Preseason) and a change was made.
The Lakers have seen a team stacked with potential Hall-of-Famers fail before (2003-2004 Lakers when they brought on board Gary “The Glove” Payton and Karl “Mailman” Malone), so the Lakers Management (mainly the Buss’s) gave Brown the quick hook and are now in search of a coach that can lead this team to a Championship, not a promising start for the season that looked so bright just five games ago. There will be a long line of coaches interested in the coveted Lakers coaching position, but who should take over?
- Mike D’Antoni – The former Phoenix Sun and New York Knick Head Coach resigned from the Knicks last year and has been out of coaching since. D’Antoni would bring instant offense to a team that is built to run up and down the court. D’Antoni coached Lakers Point Guard Steve Nash during his MVP run and the offense would clearly run through him. D’Antoni mainly focuses on offense and his prior teams have lacked on the defensive side of the ball, not good when you need to stop the Thunder, Spurs, Clippers, and potentially the Heat in the Playoffs. Also, D’Antoni just underwent knee surgery that will keep him off his feet for the next six weeks, but that may not stop him from accepting the position if offered. Verdict: The Lakers would be one of the most fun teams to watch on offense, but would be maddening on defense and not a team that could compete with the more athletic teams defensively in the playoffs.
- Brian Shaw – The former reserve Guard with the Championship Lakers in their first three-peat under Phil Jackson and former Assistant Coach with Jackson, Shaw is a player favorite with the LA Diva Kobe Bryant and would re-install the Triangle Offense that Phil employed. Bryant was upset when Shaw wasn’t under consideration to take over for Phil Jackson after he retired, because the Buss family wanted to steer away from Jackson’s legacy and the Triangle Offense. We saw how that worked out. Verdict: Would be a great fit for the Lakers, but the Buss family doesn’t seem to want to go back in that direction.
- Jerry Sloan – The Hall-of-Fame Coach has been out of Basketball since resigning from the Utah Jazz in 2011. Sloan would bring a gritty toughness that former Jazz teams always exhibited, and would run a deadly pick & roll with Steve Nash, Dwight Howard, and Pau Gasol. Nash would be his John Stockton and Howard/Gasol would be his Karl Malone. An extremely dangerous team on offense and Sloan would make sure the Defense is up to par as well. Sloan has been out of coaching waiting for an opportunity like this and doesn’t want his storied career to end with a feud with Deron Williams and resigning from the Jazz. Verdict: I think he would be the ideal coaching candidate to utilize the talents the Lakers have on offense and to take this Defense to the next level, will it happen?
- Phil Jackson – You know he had to be brought up for consideration. You have to think the Lakers are faxing (do people still fax?) over a blank check for Phil to name his price to return to coaching Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. He still has a great relationship with the players and a relationship (hehe) with Jeannie Buss. The question is does Jackson still have the desire to coach, he’s already the greatest basketball coach of all-time, does he really want to come back? Verdict: I think if all other options are exhausted the Lakers would be willing to pay the man whatever he wants. The only problem is the Buss family (again) wants to take this team in a new direction away from Jackson’s philosophy.
No matter who the Lakers choose to replace Mike Brown, it will be a daunting task that not every coach is up for. The bright lights of Hollywood and Showtime, we know Phil Jackson could do it, but can any of the other coaches? D’Antoni faded away in the spotlight with the New York Knicks, Brian Shaw has never been a Head Coach on such a big stage, and Sloan has been tucked away in Utah for over 20 years. There are still 77 games to get this team right, but can they do it?
– Lance Cartelli