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10 Athletes I’d Love to See Chase After a (Speeding) Justin Beiber

Justin Beiber is under investigation after allegedly speeding through a gated community in LA in his white ferrari. The cops aren’t the only ones interested in Beiber’s activities, former football player Keyshawn Johnson followed Beiber to his house to confront him on his reckless driving, but Beiber danced his way into his house without talking to Johnson.

Keyshawn was a prolific receiver, but he wasn’t fast back in his prime so there’s no way he could chase after the Beibs these days. But I can think of at least 10 athletes today that can stop the Beibs today and make everyone regret being a Belieber.

10. Chris “Birdman” Andersen – The “Birdman” as some affectionately call him is a big man that has journeyed around the league and is now a key contributor to the Miami Heat. The tattoo aficionado terrifies me, but I think if he ended up chasing after Beiber he’d fit right in on his entourage and might even be featured on J. Beib’s new single.

9. LeBron James – LeBron is one scary man. So scary that his hair is running away from his face! Ha! I kid. Bron Bron has been seen by many in their rearview as he comes gliding across the court to swat an attempted lay up, just think what he could do to Beiber and his ferrari.

8. Justin Smith – The San Francisco 49ers’ defensive lineman known as “The Cowboy”. He intimidates 300-pound offensive lineman and shoves them like a rag doll, so what could if Beiber was speeding through his ranch? Probably this.

7. Kevin Garnett – Garnett is a big man that has guarded the paint for over 18 years and Beiber has been alive, like 18 years. Plus Kevin Garnett is 7 feet tall and yells obscenities all the time, that would hurt poor Beiber’s virgin ears.

6. Patrick Willis – Willis is the leader of the 49ers defense and the heir apparent to Ray Lewis as big middle linebacker that will destroy you. His hobbies include long walks on the beach with his dog, Zeus and destroying wide receivers that like to go over the middle. Be careful Justin!

5.  J.J. Watt – Watt is arguably the best defensive player in the NFL and was awarded the Defensive Player of the Year award in just his second season. He loves going after the quarterback, come to to think of it, Beiber has the same facial features as Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo. They should both be careful.

4. Mike Tyson – I know he’s not a current athlete, but Mike Tyson is still one of the scariest men on Planet Earth. If someone told me Metta World Peace’s dad was Mike Tyson you wouldn’t hear an argument out of me. I don’t know whether Tyson would destroy Beiber or hug him like he’s his long lost white child, actually I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. Tyson and Beiber have to be BFFs.

3. Jon “Bones” Jones – Arguably the best fighter in the UFC, Jon “Bones” Jones is one of the most dangerous athletes in all of sports. Bones Jones would hit Beiber with a spinning elbow faster than Beiber could sing “Baby, baby, baby”.

2. Brock Lesnar – Lesnar is a former WWE and UFC Champion that had stints in the NFL. I don’t know where he is now, but I’m sure whatever it is he’s breaking someones bones. Lesnar will make you think that there is alien life, he is not built like a human should be with muscle on top of muscle. I still think he should’ve been the bad guy in “Fast and Furious 6″. Oh well, there’s always a sequel.

1. Metta World Peace – The artist formerly known as Artest, World Peace is a psycho who likes to thank his psychiatrist after winning NBA Championships. That is the last man I would want chasing after me. Justin, World Peace is Coming After You! Oh damn, I just gave Beiber the new title to his CD.

Follow Lance “The Red Mamba” Cartelli on Twitter!

Ryan Pedersen: Kawhi So Serious: The Up-to-Date News of San Diego Sports

Aztec Basketball recently had been going through a rough stretch with a couple rough road losses to some tougher schools in the Mountain West conference. Losses to undefeated at home Colorado St. and one-loss at home UNLV, makes the Aztec repeat of the regular season title a little more difficult. SDSU’s recent trouncing of Wyoming at Viejas Arena helped a ton but Colorado St. losing at UNLV makes it difficult considering UNLV has swept SDSU in the regular season. Look for UNLV or New Mexico to take the regular season title but come conference tourney time that is when the Aztecs shine.

The NFL Combine, also known as the “Underwear Olympics” starts this Saturday in Indianapolis. Charger fans that are steady and cautiously looking for reasons to deposit on season tickets will pay close attention on who performs well on the OL workouts.  They may even want to take a look at corner too, even though they recently claimed Johnny Patrick off waivers from the New Orleans Saints. The Chargers have been good at striking it rich with the waiver wire, but don’t get that excited as Kevin Acee of U-T said “He’s just a guy.” Let’s hope that Leon Sandcastle will still be available come April but I don’t think the Chiefs will let that happen.

In more irrelevant team news, the San Diego Padres, along with 31 other teams reported to Spring Training in Arizona and Florida. The smell of optimism in the air by March and disappointment by July or August, I’m not sure even the studded finish by Chase Headley had toward the end of the 2012 season can still fill the seats other than opening day, which is always a given in sell outs. Padres catcher Yasmani Grandal will begin his suspension once game one starts of his 50 game suspension. He, along with SS and 2012 NL Stolen Base leader Everth Cabrera, have been in the news because of recent leaks to steroid sales from a Florida supplement dealer with other superstars of MLB. We’ll see if Grandal bounces back after game 50 is up.

(Honorable Mention: SDSU baseball sweeps No. 12 ranked cross town rival USD last weekend to move the Aztecs to No. 22 in the nation with No. 6 Oregon State already underway, a four game series with OSU up 1-0 in the series)

So, Kawhi so serious?

RP

Ryan Pedersen: San Diego State Basketball – The New Headliner in San Diego

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Before San Diego State Head Coach Steve Fisher arrived on the Mesa, Aztec basketball was the laughing stock of the Mountain West Conference. The year he arrived, he would have to pass out tickets to students personally just to get maybe a couple thousand at then Cox Arena. A few years later, there are about a handful more Mountain West and NCAA banners hanging in the rafters at Viejas Arena, otherwise known as the “Madhouse on the Mesa”.

You can thank Head Coach Steve Fisher for creating what once was a tradition-less program to a now a sold out 12,000 crowd each home game with a sea of red and black. Aztec Basketball is the new frontier of San Diego sports; you can’t go anywhere nowadays without hearing about the Aztecs in the local newspapers, TV and radio stations. Now does this have to do with the Chargers struggling of recent? Yes and no.  Aztec basketball year-by-year has had more season ticket sales grow, even with the Marty/Norv short periods of success in Chargers football, Aztec basketball always got better instead of worse.

Recently, the Aztecs were coming off a two game losing streak to, under the radar power, Wyoming and rival UNLV Runnin’ Rebels. They beat up on the Nevada Wolf Pack in Reno, NV, 78-57 and stomped conference powerhouse New Mexico 55-34 forcing the Lobos to 17 turnovers and their lowest points in the shot-clock era.

***

OTHER LOCAL NEWS:

  • Phil Mickelson has been in some heat with his comments about moving out of California due to high tax rates of the upper class with high incomes. He has since apologized, but for what? Golf is a rich sport after all.
  • New Head Coach of the San Diego Chargers, Mike McCoy has retained Defensive Coordinator John Pagano and has hired a completely new staff for 2013. Former Special Teams coordinator Rich Bisaccia, with the team the last two years, is now considering taking the same position with the Dallas Cowboys after leaving for the University of Auburn for the same position.

– Ryan Pedersen

This Week In Sports

Oh, you want to know what happened this week in sports? Why don’t you let me tell you…

  • The San Antonio Spurs rested their “Big Three” in a closely contested loss to the defending champions, the Miami Heat last night and sparked a controversy between the Spurs and NBA Commissioner David Stern. Since nobody knew who these players were, the Miami Heat Public Address Announcer had to make up names during the pre-game introductions.  He came up with crazy names like: Tiago Splitter (the bad guy from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies), Boris Diaw (Russian Bad Guy in every movie featuring Russian bad guys), Matt Bonner (hehehe…Oh wait, no, not boner…Nevermind), Patty Mills (The name of the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms), and my personal favorite — Nando de Colo (Just a great name.).  Breaking News:  That was actually the San Antonio Spurs starting line up.
  • The Atlanta Falcons defeated the New Orleans Saints last night 23-13 and ended Drew Brees touchdown passing record in consecutive games at 54.  The Falcons ended other famous streaks of Drew Brees, such as: Throwing as many interceptions as his team has wins (5), most awful commercials that Drew Brees has been in in a loss, Most consecutive days where you ask yourself, “What the hell is on Drew Brees’ face?  Is it a birthmark or a scar?  OR did he get some crazy disease like ring worm on his face?  I hope it’s the latter”.
  • On his Facebook, Rolando McClain said “Officially no longer an Oakland Raider…Looking forward to playing for an actual team”.  Fans were actually more angry that McClain Instagrammed the picture of his status update and then tweeted his Instagram picture.  Due to McClain’s terrible social networking he was suspended two games by the Raiders and lost over 200,000 followers.
  • David Wright signed the largest contract in New York Mets history – an 8-year, $140 million contract. Not to be outdone, the New York Yankees decided to sign Rolando McClain (10-year $100 million), Angus T. Jones (Whatever he makes on Two and a Half Men plus one dollar and the copyright to the word “Filth”, and Lindsay Lohan (Whatever bottle of alcohol she wants whenever she wants it a.k.a. always).
  • Rajon Rondo was ejected and later suspended two games by the NBA for pushing Kris Humphries and tackling him into the stands after an altercation.  After Kim Kardashian saw the push, she quickly ended her relationship with Kanye West to start dating Rajon Rondo.  This just in:  They have officially gotten married…And now they are divorced.
  • On Thanksgiving, Ndamakong Suh’s foot collided with force against the groin region of Texans QB Matt Schaub.  Suh’s thinking may have been a little flawed, overheard by NFL Films microphones, Suh said “I thought if I kicked him hard enough he wouldn’t have testicles anymore and you have to have testicles to play in the NFL! Right?…RIGHT?!”

– Lance Cartelli

This Week in Sports

What Happened in Sports This Past Week? Well Let Me Tell You…

– After the Los Angeles Lakers fired Mike Brown, they moved quickly to hire Mike D’Antoni to a three year deal.  Previous fans of teams coached by Mike D’Antoni famously removed the “D” from his name, for his lack of coaching on the defensive end.  Don’t worry Laker fans — Mike ‘Antoni will coach Wight Howar and the rest of the Lakers in Hollywoo to eliver a ecisive NBA Championship.

– The Knicks came back in the 4th quarter to defeat the San Antonio Spurs on Thursday to remain undefeated at 6-0. After not resigning Jeremy Lin, the Knicks have been playing the best defense in the NBA.  Said star Forward Carmelo Anthony, “Once Coach ‘Antoni resigned, we realized there was 26 letters in the alphabet, so from now on you can call me D’Carmelo D’Anthony…It’s been a pleasure playing for the D’New D’York D’Knicks in D’Madison D’Square D’Garden”.  I think he’s getting carried away after finding out that “D” is an actual letter.

– The Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays consummated a blockbuster deal that allowed the Marlins to dump over $180 million in contracts. After the trade, there was a huge public uproar over the deal that decimated the Marlins roster…oh wait, there wasn’t?  People in Miami didn’t even know the Marlins were a team? Oh, well in that case…Go Heat?  Oh..Miami residents didn’t know that the Heat season started either?  They must still be at the beach or watching the new season of Dexter.

– As many as four Quarterbacks suffered concussions this past week in the NFL, including Mike Vick and Jay Cutler, who will not be able to play this week.  The only fans really disappointed by this outcome are the Fantasy Football Owners who had circled this date on their calendar because their Defenses was going against Vick and Cutler.

-The San Francisco 49ers and St. Louis Rams tied 24-24 for the first tie game in the NFL since 2008.  Once the clock hit 0:00 in overtime and the teams and fans started to exit, a fan came running onto the field with a microphone yelling, “WHERE IS EVERYONE GOING?  THE GAME ISN’T OVER! FOOTBALL CAN’T END IN A TIE!”  It was actually Donovan McNabb who had been admitted to an insane asylum after having a mental breakdown over his last tie four years ago.

– The #1 team in the Nation, Alabama, was upset by Texas A&M on Saturday. Texas A&M was led to victory by Freshman phenom quarterback “Johnny Football”.  Wow, his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Football, got really lucky that they named him that and he played Football.  It would’ve been really awkward if Johnny Football played Cricket or Bat-mitten.  Crisis Averted!

– Miguel Cabrera won the AL MVP after receiving 22 of 27 first place votes to defeat Rookie of the Year Mike Trout.  Cabrera won in large part due to becoming the first hitter since 1978 to win the Triple Crown.  At his press conference to accept the MVP, Cabrera wore three crowns and said, “As King of the American League and Ruler of the three realms of Batting Average, Runs Batted In and Home Runs, I demand that you all bow to me at once!”.  After slamming his mace into the ground, National League MVP Buster Posey busted the door down and stabbed Cabrera with the World Series Trophy.  It was a bloody day for the King of the American League, but the rightful heir to the Realms stood over the bloody corpse of the Triple Crown Winner and showed his supremacy.

– Lance Cartelli

The Worst Loss of the Week

We all experience it.  That bitter feeling of defeat, that punch in the gut where your whole week is ruined because something that you have been looking forward to for awhile (for me, its been 9 months in the making) is taken from you and ruined.  And even worse, you know what’s coming — the Facebook posts, the Twitter tweets, the text messages, the Snapchat’s of people laughing at you, and if people still use it — the phone calls of people giving you shit because your beloved team lost.

So I’m here — mainly because I needed to blog and Kavon wanted me to write something — to rank the worst defeats of the week.  So, if one of your teams lost in dramatic fashion, a blow out, or your favorite player got hurt, then get all your sharp objects away from you because we are all on suicide watch.

Warning:  If you are in a good mood, no that’s too happy, if you are in a mediocre mood don’t read this you will become extremely depressed and may cut your wrists and black your eyes while listening to the Dashboard Confessionals.

The Candidates: 

  • The San Francisco 49ers blow out loss to the New York Giants – Well, we might as well start with my number one reason for depression of the week.  It started on a cold January afternoon (actually it was like 65 degrees in San Diego, suck it non-Californians), but the 49ers were in position to advance to their first Super Bowl since defeating the San Diego “Super” Chargers in 1995 and all did not exactly go well.  In case you’ve been living in a cave or have been so inebriated for 9 months then you probably know that the 49ers lost that game because of a couple fumbles here and there and an inept offense.  Okay, I’m officially teary eyed…must power through.  Well, the 49ers had a chance for a little bit of revenge on Sunday.  They had the defending Super Bowl Champions – who the Niners thought had their championship – in their home stadium again and laid a complete egg.  Dominated 26-3, the 49ers threw three interceptions, recorded zero sacks and got one (!) hit on Eli “Mouth Breather” Manning and didn’t even reach the Red Zone.  It felt like I was watching a Cleveland Browns game.  Okay, now I’ve gone from teary eyed to weeping like I’m watching Click or Air Bud (Fun Fact: those are the only two movies I’ve openly cried too).  Level of Depression: Getting drunk and bashing your head while yelling “Oops” like you’re on Real World.  (PS: RIP to that guy in previous video).
  • The New York Yankees and Derek Jeter – Not only did the New York Yankees lose the first two games of the ALCS at home, they lost Mr. Yankee Derek “How Could You End it With Minka Kelly” Jeter to a broken ankle.  But don’t worry Yankee fans you still have Alex Rodriguez.  Wait…he’s not on the juice anymore and 37 years old and strikes out almost every time a pitcher throws him a pitch?  Well, shit.  They can still win tonight though, right?!  Oh…Justin Verlander is pitching?  Shoot…I’m trying to find a silver lining…I got nothing.  Level of Depression: Find someone to feed you popcorn because popcorn makes everyone feel better! Right A-Rod? 
  • How Bout ‘Dem Cowboys – Ah, I’ve totally forgotten the first bullet point and I have reached a happy medium after the Cowboys loss (Sorry Levi).  The Cowboys ran the ball down the throats of the Baltimore Ravens, managed to injure Ray Lewis and LaDarius Webb for the rest of the year and injured Haloti Ngata for the remainder of their game and still couldn’t pull off the win.  Dez Bryant had arguably the best game of his career – something Cowboy fans have been waiting for since he was drafted – but with every high their is a low, and that low is a Dez Bryant dropped two point conversion.  Down two, the Cowboys recovered an onside kick, got a pass interference call, but wait, here comes that low, terrible clock management from Head Coach Jason Garrett set up the Cowboys for a long field goal that Dan Bailey missed wide left.  But hey, at least they caught the snap! Level of Depression:  Actually, I don’t know how depressed Cowboy fans are, they have to be used to this, right?
  • The San Diego “Super” Chargers – Okay, now I’m completely over that first bullet point, what 49er loss?  I had to save the best – or worst, depending how you look at it – for last.  The Chargers dominated the first half 24-0, mainly because the Broncos thought the football like it was Hulk Hogan’s disgusting Sex Tape.  After that debacle, the Philip Rivers decided to revert to 2011-Philip Rivers where he thought being on offense was a dumb idea and he liked giving it away.  The Broncos stormed back to score 35 unanswered to defeat the Chargers 35-24.  The Chargers became the first team in NFL history to be up by 24 points at the half only to lose by double digits.  Ouch.  The loss inspired some great Facebook and Twitter posts along with the hashtag – #FireNorv (the only one suitable for your eyes).  All is not bad Charger fans, they are tied for first in the AFC Worst West at 3-3.  Level of Depression:  From what I read on social networks, it is not depression that San Diegites? San Diegans? are suffering from it’s more rage, so Norv and Philip, if you’re reading this lock your million dollar homes, there is a mob coming for you.  I think Rivers has enough kids to build a tiny army though.

– Lance Cartelli

An Ode To (Potentially) the Best Fantasy Football Team

Is Your Fantasy Team as Stacked as Mine?

“My team is so baller, there’s no way I don’t win the Championship”

– Me, after every single fantasy football draft.

Despite my emphatic proclamation that I have the best team in fantasy football every year, they still have to play the games and that’s usually where it all goes downhill for yours truly.

Whether I get screwed over by the injury bug (Jamaal Charles AND Run DMC last year, BS), bent over because I picked with my heart (damn you Frank Gore, every freaking year), or get completely boned because your team was good enough to win in the Championship game, but your opponent is the Atlanta Falcons and they are playing the Tampa Bay “I Quit On My Coach Week 4 and I Like to See Lance Suffer” Buccaneers.  (F U Morgan Eugene Lawler).

And despite in the next sentence when I completely jinx myself in the League of Extraordinary Buttholes, NOT THIS YEAR!  This IS the year for “I’ve got VD and Crabs” to take supremacy in the LOEB.  This isn’t just me being a complete homersexual for my team, I’ve got reasons behind my continued (over)confidence.

16 men — nay — 16 soldiers, that will take the field for the next 17 weeks and do battle for my bragging rights and a small sum of straight cash homie.

Matt Ryan, my steal of a QB in the 8th round, will put up huge numbers throwing to my number one wideout Julio Jones (double points baby).  Chris Johnson decided to take a year off and save those legs because he knew at pick #7 in the first round, Lance Cartelli (Ok, I’m getting into third person mode) would select him as his top player! Darren “I’m Shorter Than Lance” Sproles will continue to dominate defenses with his infant legs and volatile speed while giving me W’s week after week.  My WR2 has somehow overcome migraines that cost him games last year and cleared his head to be one of the most underrated receivers in the league, that had over 100 touches once Christian Ponder took over for the Vikings.  (Seriously, Percy whatever meds you took to get rid of those migraines hook a brother up).  I can’t forget my top tight end, Jimmy “Is He a Half-Black, Half-Ginger, Mulatto?” Graham — either way I still got love for you.  So far, no homer picks, you’re proud aren’t you? Well that just changed with my Defense and Special Teams, the #1 ranked D/ST, if I may, the San Francisco 49ers!*  And to round out my starting line up, I got the kicker from Dallas – Dan Bailey -…umm, go kick field goals, bud.

*Quick Tangent:  The 49ers return all 11 starters (!) and insert Aldon Smith into their starting line up, they upgraded depth on all three levels, watch out Green Bay, we comin’ and we hungry!

As you can see, there is no false confidence, that is a solid freakin’ team, and once I click publish I’m gonna read a tweet that Matt Ryan tore his ACL, Julio Jones broke his foot again, Percy Harvin’s migraines have come back to blind him, Darren Sproles got admitted to a midget facility, Chris Johnson decided he liked 2011 CJ0K, Jimmy Graham got washed up in the hurricane, and the 49ers D/ST has to play the Packers ….Oh, fuck me.

[This post is dedicated to Mr. Alexander Davison-Hand, who inspired me to write this after I said the quote from above]

– Lance Cartelli

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